Editorial

Send your ideas, thoughts and feelings to LetsConnect  Mrs Sharon Platt-McDonald Women’s Ministries Department. British Union Conference of the Seventh Day Adventist Church.  Stanborough Park. Watford. Hertfordshire. WD25 9JZ. United Kingdom. t: 01923 672251    e: splattmcdonald@adventist.org.uk

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Greetings!

It is my pleasure to take on the editorial for Letsconnect in my new role as Director of Women Ministries for our churches in the British Isles. At the outset I would like to register my appreciation for the sterling work that my predecessor Heather Haworth undertook in laying the foundation for a robust Women Ministries Department at the BUC.

It would be good to hear from you and I would welcome your comments and contributions to ensure this online magazine continues to meet the needs of our readers.

In this issue I deal with the subject of change by introducing the concept of ‘life seasons’ – those times in life when major things happens to change our immediate circumstances, direction of travel and even how we view and respond to life itself.

So what are the key features in this issue of Letsconnect? Firstly, I commence with an article titled Life Seasons and how to deal with change and crisis. This is followed by a look at Mid-Life Crisis with an analysis of some of the changes that both women and men might experience. Karen Holford raises the aspect of transition in parenting and shares what to do when your children are no longer children. We then look at a major life change for women – The Menopause and how to cope with it. All these are ‘seasons of life’ events which though may be challenging are not necessarily here to stay. Just like the cyclical changes in nature we adapt to each seasonal change and move on to embrace whatever it brings.

So let’s talk about the current season:

Saying goodbye to the heat of summer but not quite ready to embrace the cold of winter, autumn is perhaps my most favourite time of the year. There is so much activity that excites the senses: The visual stimulation of colours as nature’s clothes takes on new hues, the sound of transition as the elements adapt to the season and the smell of change that hangs in the air. I just love the walks amongst the forests bursting with the glow and warm tones of nature’s changing colours, hearing the crunch of autumnal leaves as they succumb to the pressure beneath my feet and watching the swish and swirl of leaves as they fall from shedding trees or just tossed around in the bustling breeze.

Yes autumn in all its glory is a glorious time. Autumn also holds a special memory for me. Denzle and I got married in September and chose autumnal colours of burnt orange and gold with wine accessories as the main wedding colours which was reflected in the bridal party, church and reception theme.

Whatever your feelings about autumn, it is clear that key changes begin to happen in your life as, for example, you adapt to the changing weather. Your wardrobe takes on a new look as you put away the summers clothes or squeeze them into cupboards to make space for the warmer wears of heavier attire for the autumn and the approaching winter months.

It would be nice to be able to prepare so accurately for changes that life brings us. However although change is inevitable we are not always prepared for what happens next and this sometimes throws us of balance. Yet with the changing scenes of life, whether those we prepare for or that which takes us by surprise, God is always there to assist us with the change whatever the ‘season’.

I would like to share with you one of my favourite Bible passages which has meant a great deal to me throughout the changing scenes of my life. It has brought me much comfort in times of sadness, peace through turbulent times and joy when plans and dreams have turned out well. Above all it has given me the assurance that whatever life brings, God is always in control and He has my best interest at heart. May this Bible passage hold the same assurance for you too. Listen to what God says to you: “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”

May you hold this promise close to your heart and know that whatever has transpired in your past; whatever your current experience and whatever the future holds; God can bring healing for yesterday, help for today and hope for tomorrow.

Here’s to your bright future with God!

Blessings

Sharon

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English Can Be Fun!

·        Spotted in a toilet of a London office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

 ·        In a London Laundromat:

AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

 ·        Outside a London second-hand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC.  WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

 ·        Spotted in a safari park:

ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

·        Seen during a London conference:

FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

 ·        Notice in a field:

THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

 ·        On a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.  (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate

with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world:

 ·        At a Budapest zoo:

PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS.  IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

 ·        Doctors office, Rome :

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

 ·        Hotel, Acapulco :

THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

 ·        In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.

 ·        In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

 ·        In a Calcutta Coffee House:

PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS

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·       

Life Seasons

By Sharon Platt-McDonald

Different seasons of life bring with it ‘change’ and the occasional ‘crisis’. How do we respond when our world seemingly is turned upside down?  In the book Healing Hearts; Restoring Minds – The A-Z of Emotional Wellbeing Sharon Platt-McDonald shares some coping strategies for such times as these in order to minimize the potential negative emotional impact.

Here is an excerpt from her book:

“C - CHANGE

Life consists of natural stages where we go through a transition from one experience or event into another one. Planning reflection time is one way of boosting your ability to deal with change when it comes. Thinking time enables you to examine the ‘what if’s’ in life. However, no amount of preplanning or surmising can adequately prepare us for unexpected life events. When such changes occur we need to remember that God has an ultimate purpose for our lives and to be open to and flexible with what He permits. This is essential for our coping mechanism during times of transition.

 I have now learnt to punctuate my daily existence with moments to pause and reflect on God, carving out quality time for myself and loved ones and having a positive mindset to life challenges.

 A favorite scripture text of mine says:

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6-8

 This passage of scripture is a tonic when we face times of anxiety brought on by change and can help to ground us both emotionally and spiritually. However there are some practical steps that you might find useful in helping you to cope, so consider the following action points:

 Action: How to cope positively with change:

• Remember that God is still in control.

• Analyse your beliefs.

• Check your attitude.

• Adjust your expectations.

• Prioritise; set goals but break them up into mini steps.

• Visualise the expected outcomes but be flexible that things can change.

• Think the expected outcome; live the expected outcome.

• Be patient with yourself, others and circumstances.

• Realise your limitations.

• Recognise God is in charge.

• Adopt a positive attitude.

 ‘Never be afraid to trust an unknown future to a known God’ Corrie Ten Boom

CRISIS

A life crisis can occur as a result of trauma, illness, broken trust or betrayal, redundancy, divorce, death or any other personal tragedy, and can result in the onset of depression or the further deterioration of damaged emotions.

 One reassurance we have in times of crisis is that God is ever present and able to uphold us in our time of need. If you identify with the following feelings, the Lord has a word for you:

Heaviness -  “…the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness…” Isaiah 61:3.

Darkness -  “Then shalt thy light break forth as the morning….” Isaiah 58:8.

You say: ‘I will never be happy again.’ 

God says He will give you: “…the oil of gladness instead of mourning…” Isaiah 61:3.

You say: ‘I feel like I’m slipping.’

God says: “He will not suffer your foot to be moved…” Psalm 121:3.

You say: ‘I feel like I’m drowning.’

God says: “When you pass through the waters…it shall not overflow you...” Isaiah 43:2.

You experience Emptiness.

God’s word says: “You were redeemed from the empty way of life…” 1Peter 1:18.

You say: “People condemn me.”

God’s word says:  “Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are

in Christ Jesus” Romans 8:1.

Action:

• Following the crisis event commit the issue to God and ask Him to help you to

cope stage by stage.

• If you find things too overwhelming to tackle alone, ask someone to help you

take action to sort out the practical issues which have arisen in order to assist you in gaining a sense of control.

• After the initial shock, it is advisable to talk through what has happened either

with a trusted friend or counsellor in order to get a better perspective.

• Remember that a crisis is usually temporary and in time the pain of the event will diminish or even vanish.

• Try to establish what you have learnt from the crisis.

• Some people find that on the anniversary of a crisis event it is helpful to honour

the memory in some way. However, it is important to end the day with a positive

action to prevent negative emotions from overshadowing it.

Remember, the sum total of your life is not defined by the experiences you encounter, the mistakes made or the way life has turned out for you. God can always bring the best out of any situation. He has promised that if we allow Him to lead, He can cause even the most painful of situations to work in our favour.  For whatever situation you are currently facing, you can claim this promise found in Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”  This is hope that we can embrace and trust in.

If you would like a copy of the book Healing Hearts; Restoring Minds The A-Z of Emotional Wellbeing please ring the Health Ministries Department on 01923 672 251.

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WHEN YOUR CHILDREN AREN’T CHILDREN ANY MORE  Once upon a time we listened to every breath our daughter breathed. Now she lives hundreds of miles away. Once upon a time we knew everything our son did in a day. Now he does dozens of things we never even hear about (like spending a day wearing his clothes backwards) or don’t understand (like quantum physics or trekking through the Sahara). Maintaining healthy relationships with our adult children is as important as having a good relationship with them when they’re young. Most young people don’t leave home gradually. One day they’re taking up lots of space in your home, and the next day they’re cramming their things into a tiny room a hundred miles away. Just as we slowly adapted to living with them when they first arrived in our home, it can take a while to adapt when they move out again. Don’t play space invaders! When children leave home they need the space to work out how to live their lives, where to shop, how often to come home, etc. They need to learn how to manage their own work or study schedule or new relationship. We need to give them the freedom to create their own lives. Like most relationships - when we step back from a person, they’re more likely to come towards us and when we take too many steps into their life, they are more likely to move away. Accept them Adult children make their own lifestyle choices, and they may not be the same ones we would choose. They might go to crazy concerts, wear bizarre clothes, and collect interesting friends. They might eat and drink things we can’t spell, and choose careers we can’t pronounce and don’t understand. The most important gift we can give our adult children, and ultimately ourselves, is to accept them, whatever they are doing, saying, eating and whoever they are with. One of the most important gifts we can give our adult children is to welcome and accept their girl and boyfriends, partners, husbands, wives, children and step-children or whoever. It’s challenging to have divided loyalties between the people you have grown to love and the parents who have always loved you. It’s easier to spend less time with your disapproving parents than to risk the chance that your parents will hurt your new friends and family members. So, if you want to spend more time with your adult children, be nice to whoever they bring along with them. Look for positive and appreciative things to say about their relationships. The more critical you are about their friends, the more critical they might become of you... Learn their language When it seems as if our children have launched themselves in outer space, we need to be creative in the way we communicate with them. It may mean learning how to email, send text messages, use Skype®, or join FaceBook. But leave spaces. It’s better to be in touch once every couple of weeks and have them wondering why you haven’t called, than to contact them several times a day and annoy them! Don’t be surprised if you’re not the person they speak to the most...just be thankful they have friends! Enter their world             One of the best ways to spend time with your adult children is by doing something with them that they’ve always wanted to do. If the activity that’s on the top of their ‘dream’ list is also on the top of your ‘nightmare’ list you may have to take a deep breath, pray hard and wear some dark glasses. Remember that the important thing is being with them. You don’t actually have to bungee jump, bog-snorkel, swim with sharks, or look closely at the pictures in a modern art gallery. If all else fails, keep your eyes closed and take them out for their favourite meal afterwards. Read what they’re reading and learn about what they’re learning (you can always borrow ‘Quantum Physics for Toddlers’ from your local library). Then ask some intelligent questions... Surprise them! Discover where your children like to shop. Then send them a gift voucher when they’re least expecting it. You can even send some vouchers directly via email. Give them a gift card for their favourite restaurant or ‘coffee’ shop or send them tickets for a concert or exhibition they’d enjoy. If you’re not sure what to give find gift cards and experience packages that let them choose which spa day or hair-raising activity they’d prefer. Share a store card with your son or daughter so that you can earn loyalty points faster. Then send them the rewards vouchers as a bonus. Be available Our adult children need very different things from us than when they were little. They may still need our financial and practical support occasionally, but they may also want to explore serious ideas, debate an important issue, ask our advice, or cry on our shoulders. Mostly they need to know, somewhere in the back of their minds, that we’ll always be there for them if their world falls to pieces, or even if it doesn’t. You can say: ‘It’s great to see how well you’re doing since you left home. But don’t forget, if ever you need anything, we’re right here for you, even in the middle of the night!’ What if they need you too much and they’re still living at home or wanting you to babysit every weekend? Discuss some gentle boundaries with them. ‘I love looking after your children, but I’ll only be able to manage half a day each weekend. Let me know which will be the best half day for you.’ ‘We’re glad you can stay with us while you’re saving for a deposit on your flat, and it would really help us if you could cook dinner once a week/do your own laundry/mow the lawns, etc.’ If all else fails, go on a very long holiday... One dad fills his son’s car up with fuel whenever he comes home, and he gives his daughter the cost of her train fare. It’s his way of appreciating their visits and making sure they can always afford to come home.  Make peace Finding it hard to forgive is one of the biggest destroyers of parent/child relationships. For genuine forgiveness the person who’s been hurt needs to know that the person who hurt them understands what they did wrong.  Saying a quick ‘I’m sorry’ without listening to the effect of our actions on others undermines the forgiveness process. The more we understand what we’ve done, the less likely we are to make the same mistake again. As a parent, make it your responsibility to be the peacemaker. Be willing to do whatever it takes to maintain positive relationships with your adult children. It’s always worth the effort. Have your own adventure! When your children grow up, your lives change. Suddenly you’re not just someone’s mum or dad: you have the opportunity to rediscover your own dreams. Explore a place you’ve always wanted to visit, accept a career challenge, study for a new qualification, start an interesting hobby, or write a book about parenting! Not only will these adventures fill the new spaces in your life, but your children might find you even more intriguing! When they let us down... One of the most beautiful love stories ever told was about the love between a father and his youngest son. The boy had messed up big time. He’d taken half the family fortune and spent it all on parties, girls and designer clothes just before a massive recession hit the country. Penniless and a long way from home, the only work he could find was in a pigsty. As he sat in a puddle of rotting kitchen scraps, in clothes that hadn’t been washed for weeks, he remembered his family back home.  They’d always fed him, even when he’d misbehaved. They’d always hugged him, even when he was smelly. They’d always been generous with him, even when he hadn’t deserved it. And they’d always loved him, just because he was their son. So he set off on the long journey back home, on foot and without shoes, and begging for crusts of bread and cups of water. As he walked along, all alone, he wondered what his parents would say. He realised that he’d caused them incredible financial hardship, intense heartache, and public humiliation. He didn’t deserve to be their son. But the love in his father’s heart was stronger than any of the pain. When he saw his son, still a long way down the road, he recognised him, ran to him, wrapped his arms around him and held him tight. Then he gave him some new clothes, the family ring (and probably a bath) before throwing an extravagant party to celebrate his return. There was no room for reproach or criticism. The most important thing was their relationship.   Karen Holford

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Lessons from the animal kingdom                Berny Carlsson Texts: Hebrews 12:1; Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23; John 15:1-8; Galatians 6:9 Over Christmas our family travelled to South Africa so that the children could finally meet their cousins, the rest of the family and explore the beautiful country of South Africa. Towards the end of our holiday we visited the Spier wine estate which is situated just outside of Cape Town in the winelands of Stellenbosch with its unique Cheetah outreach sanctuary. For a price the children were able to not only look at Cheetahs from close but also to meet a fully grown Cheetah and pat it. I chose to wait on the other side of the fence while the ladies were more adventurous. The experience certainly left Mary and the children with a humble respect for these beautiful and elegant cats. According to Wikipedia the cheetah is the fastest land animal in the world and can reach speeds of between 112 and 120 km/h in short bursts. Cheetahs have the ability to accelerate from 0 to over 100 km/h in three seconds. Just think about it, a cheetah can accelerate faster than most expensive sports cars. Our guide pointed out that Cheetahs actually prefer to hunt at dawn and dusk and prefer to ambush their prey or sneak up to within springing distance. However, when it comes to catching its prey a cheetah depends entirely on speed; knocking over the running animal by hooking a leg, or by simply knocking the animal over.  The point I am getting to is that while a cheetah is a fast starter it lacks stamina and gets tired very quickly. Actually a Cheetah can at best maintain top speed for about 500 meters at a time. The description sounds like many Christians I know, myself included. Many of our churches are full of good meaning Christians who have started out well, but quickly get tired along the journey. For most of my ministry I was cheetah-like; a fast starter with lots of energy. I thought that charisma and passion alone would be enough to overcome all obstacles and help equip and train members to become full-grown disciples for Christ. The older I get the more I have come to understand that these things only carry you so far before the stamina needed for ministry and personal spiritual growth run dry. An older and more experienced pastor once told me that the journey of the Christ-follower has been compared to a marathon rather than a sprint – and I believe that the same comparison applies to all who serve in ministry – from an active layman to a full time pastor. Paul actually reminds us to: “... run with perseverance the race marked out for us” (Hebrews 12:1). I have found that in the long run, stamina, perseverance and faithfulness produce more effective ministry than high-energy ministry that can’t be maintained for long. So, remember when it comes to serving Christ and building His kingdom we have a lot to learn from the animal kingdom. Don’t be a cheetah! How does one learn to pace oneself to be effective on the long journey of the Christian life? I believe the perseverance needed comes through a daily commitment to the Word of God and prayer. Only by spending quality time with Christ can we build up the stamina and endurance needed to finish the race. He is the source of our strength and our only hope to provide the power needed to serve Him with effectiveness day in and day out (John 15:5). Dig deeper: Think about your own life for a few moments. How are you approaching your journey with Christ? Are you more like a sprinter or a marathon runner? What decisions or actions can you make to make sure that you will have enough strength to keep the journey going over the course of your life?

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MID-LIFE CRISIS – A MALE AND FEMALE PERSPECTIVE

By Sharon Platt-McDonald

Midlife Crisis? What is it?

Researcher Nancy Better defines mid-life crisis: “It's a time of profound psychological turbulence that usually occurs between the ages of 38 and 55, and often results in dramatic life changes. It can last from 2 to 12 years; the defining symptom is a sense that the values that have guided you for many years no longer hold meaning.”

 

Although many jokes have been made about mid-life crisis, it is far from amusing to those who suffer debilitating symptoms. It continues to be a controversial syndrome which health experts think is related to the brain or to hormonal changes. Dr Derek Milne, a clinical psychologist for the NHS, and author of the book Coping with a Mid-life Crisis, reports it as a poorly researched topic.

 

Stages of Midlife Crisis

It has been found that both males and females go through the same stages during a midlife crisis which mirror the bereavement process.

• Shock

• Denial

• Depression

• Anger

• Acceptance

 

What are the Key Symptoms?

• Frequently reported problems include:

• Irritability

• Lowered self esteem

• Sudden change in sexual behaviour including loss of libido (sex drive) increased sexual appetite

• Erectile dysfunction (impotence) in men

• Sudden change of image particularly dressing much younger than one’s age in an attempt to look ‘youthful’

• Behavioural changes including secrecy, isolation

• Significant change in sleep pattern including insomnia or oversleeping

• Addictive behaviour including significant increase in time spent watching TV, long periods engaged on the internet

• Fatigue

• Loss of interest in work, family and usual circle of friends

• New circle of friends to the exclusion of former friendships

• Depression, characterised by low moods and (often apparently unaccountable) feelings of sadness and lethargy.

• Extra marital affair

Some people have also reported that they have been affected by the following:

• Muscle and joint stiffness

• Night sweats

• Dry skin

• Hair loss

• Weight gain

 

What causes it?

 

Unresolved Negative Experiences and Emotions

Sometimes, people who have had distressing childhood experiences cut themselves off from family members. However later in life, they may feel the need for reconciliation, before it's too late. It’s at this mid-life stage that they find themselves dealing with deep emotional issues which they are usually unprepared for. Unresolved childhood difficulties may cause acute distress at mid-life, and this realization can sometimes force the individual to come to terms with their own hang ups and fears as well as having to analyse and learn how to deal with estranged family members. The adjustments can sometimes take its toll on the emotions.

 

Working Life Insecurities

Mid-life may be the time when people come to the realization that they are not going to be at the top of the tree. Accepting this can be hard for some. Additionally, being in a secure position at work in your mid 40’s to 50’s but with few promotion prospects, could mean you facing the same routine for the next 10 or 20 years.

 

For others this may be a time when job security becomes more uncertain as companies sometimes choose to dispense with their higher paid, older staff. Facing up to the fact that younger people are being given greater opportunities for promotion could be a bent to the ego. Also, if a significant part of someone's life was built around the structure of work and achievement, he or she may find redundancy or early retirement very difficult.

 

Health Challenges

Coping with illness in mid-life can be challenging if the individual has been experiencing relatively good health up to that point. However sometimes serious illness may create a powerful urge for change and it is this change that can sometimes pose a challenge in mid-life.

 

Becoming a Carer

As our parents age, our duty of care increases. Substantial numbers of people, particularly women, in mid-life years become involved in caring for disabled or sick partners and relatives. With this added responsibility their physical and mental health becomes compromised by the demands of this new role and many succumb to the pressure in one way or another.

 

Fears About our Mortality

Generally, people have a strong desire to deny their own mortality. However, at mid-life, we become increasingly aware that we are moving towards older age and inevitably our own death at some point. As we age people around us die. Losing a parent, we are pushed into coping with the pain of loss of a loved one, as well as the awareness that we are the next generation and next in line to face death.

 

Empty Nest Syndrome

Men as well as women may experience the ‘empty nest’ syndrome. This is characterised by the loss or ‘emptiness’ a parent or parents feel as children leave home to commence university or set up their own home. Research demonstrates that women still tend to spend more time with their children and sometimes have a closer relationship with them. As such, the ‘empty nest’ experience may be harder hitting for them. However, men who are the key care givers or guardians may experience the same emotion.

 

It has also been found that if either parent has been too busy pursuing their career to have a close relationship with their children, they may feel that any chance for a deeper relationship has slipped past. This gives rise to feelings of regret and the impact of the ‘empty nest’ can be quite profound.

 

Marriage Break-up

Research identifies that between the ages of forty to sixty approximately thirty per cent of marriages dissolve. Numerous reasons have been cited for this. Earlier on, marriages may have been cemented by the shared responsibility of bringing up children. However when that common purpose no longer exists, (children grown up, left home or deceased) this can put a strain on the marriage as attention is focused on their relationship with each other and if this becomes too pressured can lead to break up. Being in an unhappy relationship for years, mid-life may be the time where individuals feel it's their last chance to commence a new life for themselves.

 

Other factors may influence the relationship experience. For example the power balance in a

partnership may change when, for example the roles change drastically. For instance, the husband may find that he has to take early retirement just at the time when his wife is retraining for work, launching out on a new career, developing greater confidence, and enjoying greater freedom because the children have left home. The man no longer feels ‘in charge’ or ‘useful’ and looses confidence as he no longer is the provider. The shift in roles and responsibility can put a tremendous strain on the marriage.

 

Financial Challenges

In mid-life, finances can be affected along with work changes. As individuals move towards retirement or working fewer hours, the financial impact can be significant. This then has an impact on lifestyle and subsequent happiness for some people.

 

Recent research from MIND has found that the recession is making people more prone to depression caused by job losses and rising unemployment. The mental health charity in their recent May 2009 report - Men and Mental Health: Get it off your chest - shows that the recession is having an adverse effect on men’s health both physically and in terms of their emotional/mental wellbeing. Mind has called for a strategy on men’s mental health to be developed in line with the current women’s mental health strategy, encouraging men to realise the importance of talking about their problems.

 

Communicating Feelings and Emotions

The differences in how men and women express thoughts, feeling and emotions can influence the experience of emotional wellbeing. The Mind survey (12th May 2009) found the following:

• Men were only half as likely as women to talk to their friends about their problems

• Women were five times more likely to feel tearful than men

• 45 per cent of men believe they can fight feeling down as opposed to 36 per cent of women

• 4 per cent of men aged 18-24 years old would see a counsellor if they felt low compared to 13 per cent of women of the same age

• 37 per cent of men feel worried or low

• If they felt low for over two weeks only 23 per cent of men would see their GP

• Men of middle age are seven times more likely than women to have suicidal thoughts

• The report highlights that 75 per cent of all suicides are by men, who are more likely to suffer in silence

 

Gender Differences

Nancy Better reports: “My research shows that women's midlife crises are likely to stem from introspection, a family event, or problem, such as divorce or death or disappointment in their children. Men's midlife crises are more likely to be driven by work or career issues. Even though more women these days are working, I find that these differences haven't entirely disappeared. But men and women alike can be physically reckless, turning to adventure sports or extramarital affairs to deal with midlife angst”.

 

From numerous reports it appears that men go through midlife crisis because they reach a certain age and realize that life is passing them by. The prevailing emotion tends to be fear:

• Fear of the changes that come with aging.

• Fear of becoming ill.

• Fear of becoming less attractive to the opposite sex.

• Fear of not attaining goals they have set for themselves.

• Fear of dying.

 

Women, on the other hand are thrust into midlife crisis because they reach a certain age and find they finally have the opportunity to do all the things in life they have put off doing while caring for their family.

• A woman’s children are grown and suddenly she has the opportunity to do all those things   she put off while being a mother.

• As a working woman both she and her husband have both worked hard for several years.

• Now financially secure she views this security as her opportunity to explore all those things she has put on the backburner with a young family.

• Additionally going through the menopause women experience both biological and psychological changes. The combination of these changes can affect emotional wellbeing if they are not managed effectively. The psychological changes a woman experiences during menopause can cause her to question her life up to that point and what possible changes she could now make.

 

Risk Factors

Experts suggest that men are more at risk of experiencing symptoms of mid-life crisis from the late 30s to age 50. However some men report symptoms as early as 30 but this is rare. Some psychologists argue that almost all men go through a mid-life crisis to some degree. This they attribute to the fact that all have to deal with what is a time of transition and adjust to a new perspective on life.

 

What Men Experience:

 

PSYCHOLOGICAL TRIGGER

1. He experiences a loss of self esteem.

2. Challenges on his spiritual journey. He questions his faith. He feels judged by God and unworthy.

3. Realising he is aging makes him long for the freedom of youth.

 

PHYSIOLOGICAL TRIGGERS

1. Biological changes. The man realizes his body is changing. He begins to loose his hair, his looks, his physique, etc.;

2. Lowered testosterone levels cause physical and emotional changes in men. Some argue men go through a male menopause as a result.

3. Trying to recapture his youth or attempting to prevent the inevitable aging process he begins dressing younger or returns to youthful styles he had given up in earlier years.

 

SOCIOLOGICAL TRIGGERS

1. Work challenges. Work now becomes monotonous. He no longer finds the job exciting. No    system or opening for promotion, overlooked for younger employees.

2. Family challenges - He feels trapped in his marriage. His wife and children lose their appeal and he wants to escape from family responsibilities.

 

What Women Experience:

 

PSYCHOLOGICAL TRIGGERS

1. Changes in body image may affect confidence and self esteem.

2. Husband may become interested in other women and she feels displaced.

3. Feeling that she is getting old she processes this as a negative experience.

� PHSIOLOGICAL TRIGGERS

1. With the commencement of the menopause she encounters uncomfortable symptoms and no longer feels attractive.

2. Changes in hair, skin, and weight or body shape may make her feel less feminine.

3. Lowered estrogens levels cause both physiological and emotional changes in women.

 

SOCIOLOGICAL TRIGGERS

1. Now past childbearing age she may feel ‘redundant’.

2. Early retirement from work may make her feel as if she is no longer contributing to society.

 

Prevalence of Mid-Life Crisis

Clinical psychologist Dr Milne states: “I would guess it affects a significantly small amount of the population. Somewhere around 20% of people (mostly men) will have gone through this by the time they’re 50”. He also indicated that everyone’s circumstance is different however he found that depression made up a significant proportion of mid-life crisis.

 

Is it Preventable?

To some degree it is. However, if it occurs due to sensitivity to hormonal imbalance or falling levels of testosterone or oestrogen then to some extent some degree of mid-life crisis may be experienced. However the degree to which this is so can be tempered by spiritual nurturing, counseling, self help techniques and a good holistic lifestyle.

 

The following tips have been found to be beneficial:

 

• Maintain good health habits. Avoid the temptation to use alcohol, nicotine or other drugs as a means of release.

• De-stressing treatments and exercises. Many complementary approaches, such as hydrotherapy, massage, and aromatherapy, have been found to

• have a powerful relaxing   effect.

• Exercise. The effects of exercise in promoting positive moods and reducing mild depression are well-documented.

• Prayer. Having close friends and family pray for you during this time is key to maintaining your emotional and spiritual wellbeing, trust and reliance

• on God to sustain you at this vulnerable time in your life.

• Acceptance. Accepting the fact that aging is a natural process and we will all have to face it at some point. No one is immortal.

• Reassurance. Life is a journey and one full of transitions. The journeys from youth to middle age and on into old age are transitions that may

• seem challenging and uncomfortable.

Rather than being fearful of what may transpire it can be also be seen as an opportunity to re-evaluate and perhaps change the direction of life. Embrace a positive mindset which captures the belief that ageing is not simply about having to give things up, but about new ways of doing things. It could be an opportunity to commence something new. Just think of it. When you reach 60, you may well be only two-thirds of the way through your life or even less as with a good life style the centenarians are now enjoying life 100+. With so much of life yet to be experienced, it leaves a great deal of time to broaden your interests, travel, return to education, learn new work skills or take up new sports. The sky is the limit!

 

Do I Need to See a Doctor?

It may be necessary to seek medical help if there is significant health or physiological changes.

Additionally, if you are emotionally fragile an assessment may also be useful. There may be underlying physical causes (illnesses) linked to the symptoms of mid-life crisis. For example, erectile dysfunction (impotence) can be caused by depression, diabetes or heart disease. Alternatively, if you feel you'd rather talk your problems over with a sympathetic stranger, such as a counsellor, your GP can refer you. There are also very helpful Christian counsellors who will help you whilst encouraging you to maintain your spiritual wellbeing. Never be afraid to ask for help. Talking things over helps you to clarify issues and share the burden so you don’t feel isolated.

 

Self Help / Alternative Treatments:

 

Men

• Increase B Vitamins. A daily dose of a B complex is useful. This assists in testosterone

• production, boosts energy and enhances blood flow to the sexual organs.

• Maintain Zinc levels. Research demonstrates that men low in Zinc have low testosterone, low sex drive and a low sperm count. Smoking, alcohol and coffee deplete zinc levels. Take multivitamin and mineral supplements that contain zinc.

• Maintain a wholesome diet as natural as possible. Eliminate junk foods as they aggravate stress symptoms.

• Regular exercise. This releases endorphins and gives a positive ‘feel good’ factor.

• Christian counselling. This encourages expression and assists in addressing issues.

 

Women

• Daily vitamin B complex builds the nervous system for those experiencing nervous anxiety.

• Undertaking Christian counselling.

• Regular exercise. Good for maintaining holistic health. Exercise releases endorphins also known as ‘happy hormones’ which elevate mood.

• Healthy eating. Research points to the more natural plant based diet being more beneficial to physical as well as mental health.

 

Realizing that change is an inevitable aspect of life and that we do not go through life alone because God walks with us, is of great reassurance. Let us embrace our times of change and whatever the future may bring knowing that whatever we have to face, our loving God will be there with us.

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