I

S

S

U

E

S

 ‘I’m more worried about Martin,’ said her husband, ‘I wish he’d joined me in the business when he left school. Just look how much better off he would be. It’ll be years before he’s paid off his university fees.’

 One of the biggest challenges that couples face when it comes to in-laws is that we sometimes forget that we’re all adults now. Parents can forget that their married children are all grown up and able to make their own choices. And the younger generation can find it hard to talk to their parents about their new ideas and different choices. What would happen if you tried thinking about each other as friends and choosing to respond to advice and requests as if they were being made by a mate, rather than as a parent/in-law? What difference might this make to how you respond?

 If a parent/in-law begins talking to you in a parent-to-child way, remember that they have had many years experience of talking to you, and thinking about you in this way, and it can be hard to change the habits of a life time! Perhaps you could help by responding to them in an adult-to-adult manner and see whether this will help them to develop a different way of talking to you.

 Kate noticed that when her mum offered ideas about parenting her kids she wouldn’t mind one bit, but when her mother-in-law made the same suggestions she felt resentful. As she thought about it she realised that she didn’t mind her mum saying those things because of the close relationship they had together, but Kate didn’t have that close connection with her mother-in law. Kate didn’t want another mother, she wanted an adult friend.

Kate also recognised that her mother-in-law was trying to relate to her in the way she would relate to her own daughter. When Kate understood this, it was easier to think of her mother-in-law’s advice as loving concern, rather than as criticism. Giving the ‘suggestions’ a positive meaning helped Kate to respond differently to them.

  When an in-law offers you some ‘helpful advice’ that you may find irritating, ask yourself how you would respond if this came from your own parents? Would you still see it as annoying, or would you appreciate their concern? How might thinking about things in a different way help your relationships with each other?

 Sometimes our parents need to know that we still need them occasionally. And quite often they can be invaluable! Our parents and in-laws can be a great resource of practical support, encouragement and wisdom. It can be helpful to think about the ways in which you would value their support, and invite them to help you in the ways you would find most useful.

 What are the special things that each of you bring to your marriage from your own unique family background? Think about the traditions you have introduced to each other, funny family quirks that no-one else shares, a wealth of interesting stories that may come from generations of experience, special talents that have been inherited and practical wisdom that has been passed down. List the gifts that your spouse has brought into your marriage from their family of origin. Whatever you may think of your in-laws, they helped to shape the person you chose to marry, and that’s a pretty amazing gift!

 Recognise that you are all constantly changing and trying new things. It may help to let your in-laws know that you cherish their ways of doing things, but that you would like to experiment with different ideas from time to time.

 In-law relationships have had some bad press and they have been the butt of a lot of jokes, but they can also be an invaluable source of support. It can take time and effort to build positive relationships that can survive the ups and downs that life and ageing can bring to all of you. What can you do to take steps towards building a closer relationship with your in-laws, whatever their generation?

 Suggestions for the younger generation:

 Once you are married it is helpful for you to find a way to be separate from your parents and to show your spouse that they are your greatest priority. Sometimes this may mean that you need to make some challenging choices and to think about how you can have a different kind of relationship with your parents. If your spouse thinks that they are second place to your family this may cause resentment, and make it harder for your husband or wife to build positive relationships with your family.

 Consider your parents/in-laws needs for respect, affirmation, encouragement, acceptance and attention and how you can best meet these needs.

 Believe that the older generations want what they think is the best for you, even if you don’t agree with their ideas. Find ways to appreciate their intentions.

 Try and see the challenges that the in-law relationship introduces as positively as you can. Re-describe nosiness as innocent curiosity, advice as caring suggestions, and be willing to accept offers of help as gifts of love.

Keep on communicating, as adults, talking openly about the challenges of your relationship together as a couple, and across the generations. Communication opens up understanding between you. Talk about the meanings and beliefs behind the different behaviours, and the values that influence your choices to be different, and you may find you have more in common than you think.

  Suggestions for the older generation:

 Think about what’s most important to you. Is it passing on your own practical wisdom and ideas, or is it maintaining a close and healthy relationship with your son or daughter’s newly-formed family?

 Find ways to show that you respect your son/daughter’s abilities to make different choices for themselves in their new relationship, and allow them the freedom to make their own choices. Sometimes we have to let our children learn from their own choices.

 Remember some of the challenges you faced with your own in-law relationships. Think about what you found most difficult and most useful, and do everything you can to live peacefully with the younger couple.

 Remember that the couple has to blend two very different ways of doing family, and this is a challenge for any marriage. As they do so they will have to find the best way forward for themselves and sometimes this means that they will do things differently from the way you chose to do things as a family. Allow them the freedom to make this choice, and remember that if they choose to do things differently it doesn’t mean that they think your ways were in any way inadequate.

 Believe that each of the generations did/is doing their best under very different circumstances.

  Karen Holford