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L I F E S T Y L E |
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He seemed to avoid her. Lindy soon realised that although she might have won the argument, they had both lost out in their relationship. Conflict isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes an argument is a way of letting off steam and communicating passionately with each other. For some people arguing seems to become a kind of hobby! Healthy conflicts lead to respect for each other’s ways of thinking, believing and doing, and help each person to grow in understanding of the other person and their needs. But there are some battles that are played without sportsmanship, and these can turn nasty. Signs of an unhealthy battle · Wanting to increasing your own score – this happens during a conflict when each person tries to ‘win’ points by saying things that they think will improve their own case, or things that will destroy the other’s case, without considering how this is affecting the other person. · Leaving the pitch - walking away from the conflict and leaving the situation. This may be useful for a few moments, as a time-out opportunity, and to help you calm down and reflect on what is happening. But walking away from the battle, so you don’t have to deal with it, denies both of you the chance to work things out effectively. · Believing the worst – looking for negative motives behind the other’s behaviour. Sometimes we mind-read when we are having an argument and tell the other person what we think they are thinking, even if they are not – often there are neutral or even positive motives that may be being overlooked. When we try to do what we can to show love to someone and they interpret it negatively, we soon feel like not trying any more. · ‘If we lose this game we’re going to lose the whole season!’ – when we enlarge a small threat, until we think that the whole world will fall apart, we may be using this to push the other person to do what we want them to. It usually takes more than one thing to create a major catastrophe. What might be the advantages of not doing the thing you want to do? · Fouling - saying things because we want to hurt the other person, and being violent towards people and things. Playing the game with healthier rules
· Explain your own perspective very simply. Perhaps you could try using this format: ‘when you do this, in this situation, I feel this.’ · It can be hard, but try to accept responsibility for your own feelings. No one else makes you feel anything. What they do or say may stir up your feelings, and the way you feel is a response to all kinds of your past experiences, and your values and beliefs · View the field from all sides - Think about looking at the situation from lots of different angles – what ideas might your children have about what you are discussing? You don’t necessarily have to ask them, just imagine what they might say. What might your friends or parents say about your dilemma? How have others managed this kind of challenge? Hearing other stories can help you to find a way forward. · Go for a win/win situation - Brainstorm ways that will help you to find a way forward that you’re both happy with, and then try it. · Debrief - Accept that anything you decide to do is just for a short time, so plan a meeting together to re-evaluate your choice. · Build the team – find ways you can support each other, and work together, so that you are less likely to enter the battle-zone on opposite sides. Arguments happen. They are part of what it means to be very different people who are trying to work together. Finding healthy ways to manage our disagreements helps us to explore new ways of understanding each other and living together. Karen Holford |
