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James had started on a journey towards sexual addiction. He would never
buy a magazine, rent a video, or go into a Private Shop. Someone might
see him or discover what he had bought or hired. But there was no-one
watching him at midnight, at home, on his computer. His habit became
expensive. His credit card debt grew steadily, month by month. He became
increasingly tired and irritable, as he slept less, and escaped into
porn to soothe his stress.
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One night Katie woke with a
bad chest infection and came downstairs to find some medicine. She saw
James in the office working on his computer. She opened the door to say
“hello” and caught sight of the bizarre, erotic image on the computer
screen just before James shut down the website.
Katie was furious when she
found out what James had been doing. She was angry about the lies he had
told her, the amount of money that they owed, and because she felt that
his addiction devalued her as a woman. But, in spite of her pain, she
still loved James, and she wanted to help and support her husband in his
journey out of sexual addiction.
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Sexual addiction is now
recognized as an addiction, alongside alcohol and drug abuse. Even
though there is not the chemical dependency that is involved with drug
and alcohol abuse, watching pornography can stimulate the body to
produce tension-relieving endorphins, as well as the chemical
epinephrine, which is linked with arousal, excitement and aggression.
Curiosity, a desire to explore the forbidden, and a search for
ever-increasing ‘highs’ are also ingredients that feed the destructive
cycle of sexual addiction. Even though a sex addict may want to stop, he
or she is almost powerless to break the habit by themselves.
James and Katie had to work
hard at their relationship and they had to explore everything that could
help James fight the habit that could destroy their finances, his
career, and their marriage.
They explored the Internet
to find websites and computer programmes that would help James to break
his powerful habit. They learned that they could work together as a team
to support James in his battle against sexual addiction.
They discovered
www.covenanteyes.com
which provides a system for monitoring someone’s internet use. Once
signed up to the system, a buddy, or accountability partner, receives
regular emails listing the websites that have been visited and whether
or not they contain sexual material. Katie agreed to be James’
accountability partner, but generally it is better to choose another
trusted person.
James decided to change his
shift pattern so that he could go to bed with Katie. They set their
bedtime for 10.30pm whenever possible and made a rule that James
wouldn’t stay up later than Katie. Katie and James also decided to
invest more time and energy in their own marriage, by having more fun
together and introducing more creativity into their own sexual
relationship.
They found some software to
put on their computer that prevented access to any websites with sexual
material. They also decided to take up badminton together, starting a
new hobby that would increase their fitness.
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James also realised that his
work as an ambulance driver was quite stressful. The sexual addiction
had been an inappropriate way of dealing with his stress. He decided to
talk to the occupational health department about different ways to
manage his stress and some useful sessions with a stress counsellor.
Together Katie and James
drew up an agreement about how the computer would be used, how they
would pay off their credit card debt, and how James could invite Katie
to help him when he felt tempted to explore internet pornography. It
wasn’t easy. There were relapses and frustrations, but they discovered
that this was also a normal part of an addict’s recovery |
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Katie and James learned that
prayer can be very helpful. Katie learned how to pray for James, and he
found strength from listening to her pray for him. He also learned how
to ask God to help him as he struggled with tempting thoughts, and to
fill his mind with positive thoughts about Katie, rather than the images
of other women he had seen on the Internet.
James was fortunate. Even
though Katie had been very hurt by his behaviour, she wanted to help and
support him. The support of trusted and caring friends, or support
groups, such as Sex Addicts Anonymous (which functions in a similar way
to Alcoholics Anonymous), are also vital for helping people to find a
way out of their addiction.
Addictions damage a person’s
sense of self worth, their finances, their relationships, their careers
and the happiness of those around them, in a downward spiral of despair.
Battling with any addiction can be a challenging process. The good news
is that help is available, and the journey out of the addiction can
bring peace of mind, healthier relationships, bank accounts, and work
prospects. The sooner a person starts the battle, and the more people
they have to support them, the easier it will be to win.
Useful
internet sites
www.pureonline.com – a
website devoted to helping people understand and overcome their sexual
addictions. It offers a 30 day programme for overcoming addictions.
www.sauk.org – a website
for Sexaholics Anonymous, a fellowship of self-help groups which follow
a 12-step programme of recovery from sexual addiction. They also have a
24 hour helpline on 07000 725463, and aim to respond to all calls or
emails within 24 hours.
www.sexaa.org - Sex
Addicts Anonymous, SAA, is a fellowship of men and women who share their
experience, strength and hope with each other so they may overcome their
sexual addiction and help others recover from sexual addiction or
dependency.
www.lustfreeliving.com –
help for people struggling with sexual addiction
www.lflfilter.com –
information about CleanSurf, a filter that protects your computer from
viewing internet sites that contain pornography, and that also filters
spam and viruses from your emails.
www.covenanteyes.com –
this is an Internet accountability system. It does not block access, but
sends reports of Internet activity to a selected accountability partner
for a low monthly fee.
www.christianpurity.com -
is a Christian Internet service provider that provides safe, filtered
Internet access.
www.christianet.com/christianbusinesses/churchresources/sexualpurity/
- a website that offers help and information for people struggling with
sexual addictions, and those who love and support them.
www.purewarrior.org
– this is a website containing details of resources for helping men
overcome the grip of internet pornography.
Useful books
Searching for Intimacy,
by Lyndon Bowring, Authentic Media, 2005. ISBN:
1850785856
Caught in the Net: How to
Recognize the Signs of Internet Addiction - A Sure-fire Strategy for
Recovery, by
Kimberley S. Young, John
Wiley and Sons, 1998, ISBN:
0471191590
Every Man's Battle: Winning the War
on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time,
by
Stephen Arterburn, et al., Waterbrook Press, 2000, ISBN:
1578563682 (a workbook, and similar books for women are also available)
When a Man's Eye
Wanders,
by Jeff Olsen.
A 32 page
booklet which looks at the dangers of pornography, why men are so
vulnerable, and why they continue to use it. Gives a six step programme
for breaking the addiction.
Available in UK
from Radio Bible Class Minstries, PO Box 1, Carnforth, Lancs LA5 9ES,
single copies free.
Whatever
is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or
praiseworthy – think about such things. Philippians 4:8
When
you don’t know how to pray for someone with an addiction
Dear
God,
Please
help my husband/wife/friend to change their behaviour and to be released
from the powerful grip of his/her addiction. Please give them the power
to say ‘no’ to their addiction. Please help me to be lovingly and firmly
supportive. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
When
you don’t know how to pray about your own addiction
Dear
God,
I am
addicted to pornography and I know it is wrong. Please forgive me. I
want to be released from the grip that this addiction has on my life. I
know that pornography degrades the people engaging in it as well as
those who watch it. Help me to show respect to others and to myself by
refusing to be involved with this hurtful activity. I know that I cannot
do this in my power alone. Please empower me to reject pornography and
to choose to fill my mind and life with positive relationships and
experiences. In Jesus’ name, Amen
Signs
that someone may be addicted to Internet pornography:
·
They spend
hours alone, working on their computer late into the night.
·
There are
regular credit card payments to unrecognised sources.
·
They spend
less time involved with their family.
·
They spend
less time with their wife or husband and their sexual activity decreases
or changes significantly.
·
They lie to
cover up their Internet addiction.
·
They lose
interest in their work and spiritual matters.
·
They become
increasingly isolated and irritable.
·
When you track
their Internet history you may be able to identify pornographic sites.
Overcoming
a sexual addiction
·
Have the
courage to admit you have a problem – you are not the only one who has
ever become addicted to pornography.
·
Learn all you
can about the resources available to support you.
·
Choose
trustworthy people to support and counsel you – it is extremely
difficult to battle with an addiction on your own.
·
Where possible
find a specialised support group to join.
·
Create
barriers and boundaries so that it is difficult for you to have access
to pornographic material.
·
Choose
something else to focus on when you feel tempted to indulge in
pornography, such as exercise, or a challenging puzzle.
·
Become
involved in a project that helps others, so that your energy will be
focused on something more useful.
·
Invest in
improving your relationships with your family and friends.
·
Be patient
with yourself, and don’t panic – there will be setbacks and relapses –
these are normal, but you can still keep on working towards overcoming
your addiction.
Karen Holford is a
qualified family therapist and the author of ‘The Family Book’. |
