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When you sense an attraction to! Tim and Sarah were devoted to each other. They both described their marriage as happy and fulfilled and were totally committed to staying married to each other for the rest of their lives. Then Sarah was sent on a year long day release course by her employers. There were very few women on the course and lots of young men her age, but Sarah felt quite safe because of her good marriage. She began to chat to Simon, who was a Christian with a young family, and so she thought it would be alright to be friends with him. But soon Sarah noticed that she was looking forward to her course days, because she would see Simon. She began to sense a thrill when she was near him, and to find herself dressing to be more attractive when she knew she might see him. Before long she found herself thinking about Simon much of the time, wondering what he was doing when they were apart, wondering what he thought about her, and dreaming about spending time with him. She would make sure that she sat near him and was close to him and found ways to eat lunch with him too. Soon he began to notice her, too. He enjoyed her attention. Things were beginning to get dangerous… Sarah didn’t know what to do, She couldn’t understand why she would be attracted to another man when she was so happily married to Tim. There was nothing about her marriage that appeared wrong. Be aware that you will be attracted to other people. Just as you find some flowers, foods or clothes more attractive than others, so you will also find some people more attractive than others. Acknowledging that this may happen is an important part of keeping your marriage safe. When we don’t acknowledge that this can be a problem, we may not recognise the early stages of attraction. Make it a goal of your marriage to develop a strong trust of each other and a climate where you can each freely talk about the times you are attracted to people of the opposite sex. You can even make a joke out of doing this. It may sound strange, but many couples are finding that being free to be totally honest with each other can help remove the secrecy that can fuel an affair. You could find a trusted friend of the same sex to talk through some of your experiences when you find that you are becoming attracted to another person. Make yourself accountable to them for the times you spend with the other person. Check out with them things you are thinking about the other person, and listen to their perspectives. Help to keep them safe in their relationships by doing the same for them. Recognise that the experience of attraction can be an overwhelming and powerful force that can easily get out of hand, and think ahead of time about how you might manage those feelings. Pray for your marriage and ask God to help you keep your marriage safe and your attentions focussed in the right direction. When you think you might become attracted to someone else ask yourself ‘How does God see what is happening here?’ Read the book of Proverbs for creative wisdom in managing relationships, and the results of adultery. Try a ‘reality check’. What would be the implications for you and your family if you chose to have an affair? How much could you lose by making a choice like this? What would your friends, church, family and children say about what you are doing? What do you not like about the person? Find ten things you really dislike about the other person and focus on them when you find the attraction overwhelming. If and when you feel able, talk to your spouse in an honest and loving way about what you are experiencing. Talk time to build your own marriage by talking with each other, and doing special things together. You might like to try putting the energy, which may come from your attraction to someone else, into your own relationship. Replace the thoughts you have about the other person with thoughts about your own spouse, do the things you would like to do with the other person with each other. Dress as attractively for your own spouse. Use the opportunity to value and appreciate your own marriage, and as an invitation to enrich your own relationship.
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In-law Taming! Building positive relationships with your extended families Martin and Shelley were driving home after Sunday lunch his parents. ‘Phew!’ said Shelley as they waved good-bye, ‘when I married you, I didn’t realise I was marrying your family, as well! Sometimes I think I’ll never be good enough to please your mum!’ At the same time Martin’s mum remarked, as she started the washing up, ‘I’m surprised that Martin married Shelley, when she’s here she never does anything to help me!’ ‘I’m more worried about Martin,’ said her husband, ‘I wish he’d joined me in the business when he left school. Just look how much better off he would be. It’ll be years before he’s paid off his university fees.’ One of the biggest challenges that couples face when it comes to in-laws is that we sometimes forget that we’re all adults now. Parents can forget that their married children are all grown up and able to make their own choices. And the younger generation can find it hard to talk to their parents about their new ideas and different choices. What would happen if you tried thinking about each other as friends and choosing to respond to advice and requests as if they were being made by a mate, rather than as a parent/in-law? What difference might this make to how you respond? If a parent/in-law begins talking to you in a parent-to-child way, remember that they have had many years experience of talking to you, and thinking about you in this way, and it can be hard to change the habits of a life time! Perhaps you could help by responding to them in an adult-to-adult manner and see whether this will help them to develop a different way of talking to you. Kate noticed that when her mum offered ideas about parenting her kids she wouldn’t mind one bit, but when her mother-in-law made the same suggestions she felt resentful. As she thought about it she realised that she didn’t mind her mum saying those things because of the close relationship they had together, but Kate didn’t have that close connection with her mother-in law. Kate didn’t want another mother, she wanted an adult friend. Kate also recognised that her mother-in-law was trying to relate to her in the way she would relate to her own daughter. When Kate understood this, it was easier to think of her mother-in-law’s advice as loving concern, rather than as criticism. Giving the ‘suggestions’ a positive meaning helped Kate to respond differently to them. When an in-law offers you some ‘helpful advice’ that you may find irritating, ask yourself how you would respond if this came from your own parents? Would you still see it as annoying, or would you appreciate their concern? How might thinking about things in a different way help your relationships with each other? Sometimes our parents need to know that we still need them occasionally. And quite often they can be invaluable! Our parents and in-laws can be a great resource of practical support, encouragement and wisdom. It can be helpful to think about the ways in which you would value their support, and invite them to help you in the ways you would find most useful. What are the special things that each of you bring to your marriage from your own unique family background? Think about the traditions you have introduced to each other, funny family quirks that no-one else shares, a wealth of interesting stories that may come from generations of experience, special talents that have been inherited and practical wisdom that has been passed down. List the gifts that your spouse has brought into your marriage from their family of origin. Whatever you may think of your in-laws, they helped to shape the person you chose to marry, and that’s a pretty amazing gift! Recognise that you are all constantly changing and trying new things. It may help to let your in-laws know that you cherish their ways of doing things, but that you would like to experiment with different ideas from time to time. In-law relationships have had some bad press and they have been the butt of a lot of jokes, but they can also be an invaluable source of support. It can take time and effort to build positive relationships that can survive the ups and downs that life and ageing can bring to all of you. What can you do to take steps towards building a closer relationship with your in-laws, whatever their generation? Suggestions for the younger generation: Once you are married it is helpful for you to find a way to be separate from your parents and to show your spouse that they are your greatest priority. Sometimes this may mean that you need to make some challenging choices and to think about how you can have a different kind of relationship with your parents. If your spouse thinks that they are second place to your family this may cause resentment, and make it harder for your husband or wife to build positive relationships with your family. Consider your parents/in-laws needs for respect, affirmation, encouragement, acceptance and attention and how you can best meet these needs. Believe that the older generations want what they think is the best for you, even if you don’t agree with their ideas. Find ways to appreciate their intentions. Try and see the challenges that the in-law relationship introduces as positively as you can. Re-describe nosiness as innocent curiosity, advice as caring suggestions, and be willing to accept offers of help as gifts of love. Keep on communicating, as adults, talking openly about the challenges of your relationship together as a couple, and across the generations. Communication opens up understanding between you. Talk about the meanings and beliefs behind the different behaviours, and the values that influence your choices to be different, and you may find you have more in common than you think. Suggestions for the older generation: Think about what’s most important to you. Is it passing on your own practical wisdom and ideas, or is it maintaining a close and healthy relationship with your son or daughter’s newly-formed family? Find ways to show that you respect your son/daughter’s abilities to make different choices for themselves in their new relationship, and allow them the freedom to make their own choices. Sometimes we have to let our children learn from their own choices. Remember some of the challenges you faced with your own in-law relationships. Think about what you found most difficult and most useful, and do everything you can to live peacefully with the younger couple. Remember that the couple has to blend two very different ways of doing family, and this is a challenge for any marriage. As they do so they will have to find the best way forward for themselves and sometimes this means that they will do things differently from the way you chose to do things as a family. Allow them the freedom to make this choice, and remember that if they choose to do things differently it doesn’t mean that they think your ways were in any way inadequate. Believe that each of the generations did/is doing their best under very different circumstances. Karen Holford |
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LIVE LONG AND PROSPER by David Larson, psychiatrist & medical researcher, adapted from FOCUS ON THE FAMILY September 1994 A question asked to Dr Larson was, "What effect does divorce have on the health of the participants?" "Research studies indicate that divorce and the process of marital break up puts people at much higher risk for both psychiatric and physical disease – even cancer," replied Larson. Avoiding divorce may keep the monkey of medical risk off your back because "divorce, like smoking, takes its toll on people's health," said Larson, adding that divorce is only slightly less dangerous than smoking a pack of cigarettes a day. "Along with physical illness, separation and divorce put former spouses at much greater risk for psychiatric illness, especially for men," said Larson. "Divorced or separated men had 10 times the risk for outpatient or inpatient psychiatric care. The risk for women increased fivefold," he said. And marriage, like religion, keeps suicide rates down. Suicide is lowest among the married, perhaps because of the tranquilizing influence of continuous intimacy. Marriage also inhibits alcohol abuse. A Canadian survey of 3,430 men revealed the lowest proportion of heavy drinkers are among the married. Researcher J J Lynch, writing in The Broken Heart: The Medical Consequences of Loneliness, notes that divorced men are twice as likely to die from heart disease, stroke, hypertension and cancer as married men in any given year. Buttressing that research is a 1989 American Demographics report that stated, "Many studies show that broken marriages create stress, resulting in weight change, stomach upset, fatigue, appetite loss, headaches, nervousness, nightmares, difficulty in sleeping, and tension. No wonder divorced men and women are more likely than the married to suffer from chronic conditions, acute illnesses and injuries. And no wonder they are less likely than the married to report that their health is good or excellent." So the next time you hear how "liberating" divorce is, remember that is can liberate you right to an earlier grave. |
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Prayer Ideas for Couples Praying together can be very challenging. Prayer has often been a very private and personal experience, and working out a way to share praying together as a couple can feel strange to begin with. But it is worth working at, as prayer can truly bind us together in God’s love and invites us into a special place of intimacy with each other and with Him. The Importance of the Holy Spirit God’s Holy Spirit helps us to know what to pray for and how to pray together. Be open to listening to how the Spirit wants to work with you both to grow your own intimacy with each other and with God. The Importance of Praise Praise is so central to our relationship with God. It changes our perspective on God, and on the perspective we have about our lives and experiences. Praising God together is one of the easiest places to start to strengthen our spiritual connection with each other.
Confession © Prayers of confession may be best made privately until you feel ready to share together. © If your offence has been against your spouse, then praying for forgiveness from God in their presence may be quite healing. © Be careful that your prayers are not used to hurt each other, and be aware of the importance of praying humbly, so as not to spiritually ‘intimidate’ the other person. © There may also be a place for confessing with each other about the wrongs we have done to others, and being accountable to each other for working with God to find new ways to relate to others. Questions to think about and perhaps talk about together: © What are my concerns about praying together? © What might be my spouses concerns about praying together? © What might help make it easier for me to pray with my spouse? © What might make it easier for my spouse to pray with me? © How might God use prayer to help us grow closer to Him and to each other? Silent hands prayer This is one of the simplest of all prayers. Talk for a few minutes about each of your prayer concerns, praises and thanks. Then hold hands and silently pray for the other person. Squeeze hands after a few moments and say ‘amen’ together. It can feel so good to know that someone else is praying for us. Sentence prayers Prayer only needs to be simple. We can feel guilty if our minds drift during other people’s long prayers! Just try praying one sentence at a time, and then let the other person pray one sentence. You could be guided by the ACTS (Adoration, Confession, Thankfulness and Supplication) model of prayer and pray one or two sentences each for each section of your prayer together. As you get used to the idea, you can pray one sentence at a time, but increase the amount of sentences you pray under each section. Prayer book Keep a journal of thankfulness to God. At the end of each day think of everything you want to thank God for and write it in a small diary. In the morning, write down together the concerns you each have for the day that you would like the other person to consider in their prayers for you. Prayer notice-board Use a pin board or magnet board (even a fridge door will do!) and create a prayer notice-board, with a collage of prayer requests, praising thoughts, thanks, cards, photos, texts, answers to prayer, and any other clippings. If you like being creative – make a beautiful scrapbook of prayer together. Conversational prayer These are like sentence prayers in that you pray a few sentences at a time and then stop and let the other person pray. Try to follow each other’s ideas and link your prayers together as if you were having a conversation with each other and with God. Prayer cards Buy some index cards in four different colours: e.g. Yellow – Praise; Blue – confession; Green – Thanks; Pink – Prayer Take a few cards each and write different sentence prayers according to the colour-coded theme of the card. Lay them out together on the floor in rows of different colours and then take it in turns to read the cards out aloud as you pray together. Alternatively, lay them out and read them silently together whilst holding hands. Or shuffle the cards and deal them into two piles. Take a pile each and arrange them into a prayer sequence. Read each prayer aloud to each other. Blessings on each other Try praying a simple blessing on each other when you part and meet and get up and go to bed. Create your own words and traditions for doing this – such as kissing each other on the forehead or hand before you say the words. Or creating a special blessing gesture or signal so that you can secretly bless each other, or show that you are praying for each other. Try Numbers 6:25, 2 Corinthians 13:14, or 1 Thessalonians 5:23 for starters. Pray for specific things for each other, and other people Try and be as specific as possible when you pray for each other, and rejoice together when prayers are answered, even if the answers were not what you were expecting or hoping for. It can be helpful to take a broad and eternal perspective on answers to prayer at times, and to keep in mind that God works all kinds of things that look messy to us into His beautiful plans. Prayer reminders Carry a small thing with you that reminds you to pray for each other when you are apart, such as a button, piece of ribbon, or small significant and symbolic item. Prayer times Pray for each other at a certain time of the day every day, by setting an alarm on your watch, mobile phone, or electronic diary. Perhaps you could text or email each other your prayers, or even try praying together as an online MSN conversation. Prayer ‘consequences’ Write out your prayers on pieces of paper and pass them back and forth, adding a sentence at a time and folding over the top of the page. Follow the same sequence of themes and prayer requests and then read each prayer out as you pray together. Each prayer has then been created by both of you. Daily prayer menus Instead of praying for your entire prayer request list every day, it might be helpful to group your prayer request lists in some way, and pray for one category at a time. So you may pray for your family members one day, colleagues and work issues the next day, overseas issues and workers the next day, then local church and community issues, etc. Karen and Bernie Holford 2004 |
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Secretly Surfing Cybersex The danger of Internet pornography James came home late from his evening shift as a paramedic ambulance driver. Katie, his wife, was already asleep in bed. He made himself a cup of hot chocolate and wandered over to his computer to unwind for a few minutes. He told himself he would only check his emails. He typed his password, downloaded his emails, and answered one that was urgent. Then he clicked on a spam message, which filled his screen with pictures of naked women in seductive poses. After a couple more clicks, he found himself wandering through a labyrinth of erotic websites, watching people engaged in all kinds of sexual activity. One click led to another and soon he had spent three hours and far too much money on Internet pornography. James had started on a journey towards sexual addiction. He would never buy a magazine, rent a video, or go into a Private Shop. Someone might see him or discover what he had bought or hired. But there was no-one watching him at midnight, at home, on his computer. His habit became expensive. His credit card debt grew steadily, month by month. He became increasingly tired and irritable, as he slept less, and escaped into porn to soothe his stress. One night Katie woke with a bad chest infection and came downstairs to find some medicine. She saw James in the office working on his computer. She opened the door to say “hello” and caught sight of the bizarre, erotic image on the computer screen just before James shut down the website. Katie was furious when she found out what James had been doing. She was angry about the lies he had told her, the amount of money that they owed, and because she felt that his addiction devalued her as a woman. But, in spite of her pain, she still loved James, and she wanted to help and support her husband in his journey out of sexual addiction. Sexual addiction is now recognized as an addiction, alongside alcohol and drug abuse. Even though there is not the chemical dependency that is involved with drug and alcohol abuse, watching pornography can stimulate the body to produce tension-relieving endorphins, as well as the chemical epinephrine, which is linked with arousal, excitement and aggression. Curiosity, a desire to explore the forbidden, and a search for ever-increasing ‘highs’ are also ingredients that feed the destructive cycle of sexual addiction. Even though a sex addict may want to stop, he or she is almost powerless to break the habit by themselves. James and Katie had to work hard at their relationship and they had to explore everything that could help James fight the habit that could destroy their finances, his career, and their marriage. They explored the Internet to find websites and computer programmes that would help James to break his powerful habit. They learned that they could work together as a team to support James in his battle against sexual addiction. They discovered www.covenanteyes.com which provides a system for monitoring someone’s internet use. Once signed up to the system, a buddy, or accountability partner, receives regular emails listing the websites that have been visited and whether or not they contain sexual material. Katie agreed to be James’ accountability partner, but generally it is better to choose another trusted person. James decided to change his shift pattern so that he could go to bed with Katie. They set their bedtime for 10.30pm whenever possible and made a rule that James wouldn’t stay up later than Katie. Katie and James also decided to invest more time and energy in their own marriage, by having more fun together and introducing more creativity into their own sexual relationship. They found some software to put on their computer that prevented access to any websites with sexual material. They also decided to take up badminton together, starting a new hobby that would increase their fitness. James also realised that his work as an ambulance driver was quite stressful. The sexual addiction had been an inappropriate way of dealing with his stress. He decided to talk to the occupational health department about different ways to manage his stress and some useful sessions with a stress counsellor. Together Katie and James drew up an agreement about how the computer would be used, how they would pay off their credit card debt, and how James could invite Katie to help him when he felt tempted to explore internet pornography. It wasn’t easy. There were relapses and frustrations, but they discovered that this was also a normal part of an addict’s recovery Katie and James learned that prayer can be very helpful. Katie learned how to pray for James, and he found strength from listening to her pray for him. He also learned how to ask God to help him as he struggled with tempting thoughts, and to fill his mind with positive thoughts about Katie, rather than the images of other women he had seen on the Internet. James was fortunate. Even though Katie had been very hurt by his behaviour, she wanted to help and support him. The support of trusted and caring friends, or support groups, such as Sex Addicts Anonymous (which functions in a similar way to Alcoholics Anonymous), are also vital for helping people to find a way out of their addiction. Addictions damage a person’s sense of self worth, their finances, their relationships, their careers and the happiness of those around them, in a downward spiral of despair. Battling with any addiction can be a challenging process. The good news is that help is available, and the journey out of the addiction can bring peace of mind, healthier relationships, bank accounts, and work prospects. The sooner a person starts the battle, and the more people they have to support them, the easier it will be to win. Useful internet sites www.pureonline.com – a website devoted to helping people understand and overcome their sexual addictions. It offers a 30 day programme for overcoming addictions. www.sauk.org – a website for Sexaholics Anonymous, a fellowship of self-help groups which follow a 12-step programme of recovery from sexual addiction. They also have a 24 hour helpline on 07000 725463, and aim to respond to all calls or emails within 24 hours. www.sexaa.org - Sex Addicts Anonymous, SAA, is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other so they may overcome their sexual addiction and help others recover from sexual addiction or dependency. www.lustfreeliving.com – help for people struggling with sexual addiction www.lflfilter.com – information about CleanSurf, a filter that protects your computer from viewing internet sites that contain pornography, and that also filters spam and viruses from your emails. www.covenanteyes.com – this is an Internet accountability system. It does not block access, but sends reports of Internet activity to a selected accountability partner for a low monthly fee. www.christianpurity.com - is a Christian Internet service provider that provides safe, filtered Internet access. www.christianet.com/christianbusinesses/churchresources/sexualpurity/ - a website that offers help and information for people struggling with sexual addictions, and those who love and support them. www.purewarrior.org – this is a website containing details of resources for helping men overcome the grip of internet pornography. Useful books Searching for Intimacy, by Lyndon Bowring, Authentic Media, 2005. ISBN: 1850785856 Caught in the Net: How to Recognize the Signs of Internet Addiction - A Sure-fire Strategy for Recovery, by Kimberley S. Young, John Wiley and Sons, 1998, ISBN: 0471191590 Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time, by Stephen Arterburn, et al., Waterbrook Press, 2000, ISBN: 1578563682 (a workbook, and similar books for women are also available) When a Man's Eye Wanders, by Jeff Olsen. A 32 page booklet which looks at the dangers of pornography, why men are so vulnerable, and why they continue to use it. Gives a six step programme for breaking the addiction. Available in UK from Radio Bible Class Minstries, PO Box 1, Carnforth, Lancs LA5 9ES, single copies free. Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things. Philippians 4:8 When you don’t know how to pray for someone with an addiction Dear God, Please help my husband/wife/friend to change their behaviour and to be released from the powerful grip of his/her addiction. Please give them the power to say ‘no’ to their addiction. Please help me to be lovingly and firmly supportive. In Jesus’ name, Amen. When you don’t know how to pray about your own addiction Dear God, I am addicted to pornography and I know it is wrong. Please forgive me. I want to be released from the grip that this addiction has on my life. I know that pornography degrades the people engaging in it as well as those who watch it. Help me to show respect to others and to myself by refusing to be involved with this hurtful activity. I know that I cannot do this in my power alone. Please empower me to reject pornography and to choose to fill my mind and life with positive relationships and experiences. In Jesus’ name, Amen Signs that someone may be addicted to Internet pornography: · They spend hours alone, working on their computer late into the night. · There are regular credit card payments to unrecognised sources. · They spend less time involved with their family. · They spend less time with their wife or husband and their sexual activity decreases or changes significantly. · They lie to cover up their Internet addiction. · They lose interest in their work and spiritual matters. · They become increasingly isolated and irritable. · When you track their Internet history you may be able to identify pornographic sites. Overcoming a sexual addiction · Have the courage to admit you have a problem – you are not the only one who has ever become addicted to pornography. · Learn all you can about the resources available to support you. · Choose trustworthy people to support and counsel you – it is extremely difficult to battle with an addiction on your own. · Where possible find a specialised support group to join. · Create barriers and boundaries so that it is difficult for you to have access to pornographic material. · Choose something else to focus on when you feel tempted to indulge in pornography, such as exercise, or a challenging puzzle. · Become involved in a project that helps others, so that your energy will be focused on something more useful. · Invest in improving your relationships with your family and friends. · Be patient with yourself, and don’t panic – there will be setbacks and relapses – these are normal, but you can still keep on working towards overcoming your addiction. Karen Holford is a qualified family therapist and the author of ‘The Family Book’. Top of page |
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How to really win a battle! When Paul and Lindy had finished having a noisy and humungous row, Lindy was sure she had won the argument. She’d been quick witted. She’d used clever arguments, she had put Paul clearly in his place, and she had dragged several stories out of his closet to prove her point! Paul had finally backed down from the argument, and gone out for a walk. But Lindy soon discovered that she hadn’t won. Paul stayed late at the office every night for a week, not coming home until bed-time. He didn’t talk much. He seemed to avoid her. Lindy soon realised that although she might have won the argument, they had both lost out in their relationship. Conflict isn’t always a bad thing. Sometimes an argument is a way of letting off steam and communicating passionately with each other. For some people arguing seems to become a kind of hobby! Healthy conflicts lead to respect for each other’s ways of thinking, believing and doing, and help each person to grow in understanding of the other person and their needs. But there are some battles that are played without sportsmanship, and these can turn nasty. Signs of an unhealthy battle · Wanting to increasing your own score – this happens during a conflict when each person tries to ‘win’ points by saying things that they think will improve their own case, or things that will destroy the other’s case, without considering how this is affecting the other person. · Leaving the pitch - walking away from the conflict and leaving the situation. This may be useful for a few moments, as a time-out opportunity, and to help you calm down and reflect on what is happening. But walking away from the battle, so you don’t have to deal with it, denies both of you the chance to work things out effectively. · Believing the worst – looking for negative motives behind the other’s behaviour. Sometimes we mind-read when we are having an argument and tell the other person what we think they are thinking, even if they are not – often there are neutral or even positive motives that may be being overlooked. When we try to do what we can to show love to someone and they interpret it negatively, we soon feel like not trying any more. · ‘If we lose this game we’re going to lose the whole season!’ – when we enlarge a small threat, until we think that the whole world will fall apart, we may be using this to push the other person to do what we want them to. It usually takes more than one thing to create a major catastrophe. What might be the advantages of not doing the thing you want to do? · Fouling - saying things because we want to hurt the other person, and being violent towards people and things. Playing the game with healthier rules Pep talk - First, think about your hopes – for your relationship and for the conversation. Try starting off a potentially contentious conversation by talking about what you hope to achieve by talking together, and inviting the other person to share their hopes, too. Game plan - Take time to slow down and listen calmly to what the other person has to say. Show that you have listened by reflecting back what they have said, so that you can check that you’ve heard them correctly, and understood what they were trying to say. Explain your own perspective very simply. Perhaps you could try using this format: ‘when you do this, in this situation, I feel this.’ · It can be hard, but try to accept responsibility for your own feelings. No one else makes you feel anything. What they do or say may stir up your feelings, and the way you feel is a response to all kinds of your past experiences, and your values and beliefs · View the field from all sides - Think about looking at the situation from lots of different angles – what ideas might your children have about what you are discussing? You don’t necessarily have to ask them, just imagine what they might say. What might your friends or parents say about your dilemma? How have others managed this kind of challenge? Hearing other stories can help you to find a way forward. · Go for a win/win situation - Brainstorm ways that will help you to find a way forward that you’re both happy with, and then try it. Debrief - Accept that anything you decide to do is just for a short time, so plan a meeting together to re-evaluate your choice. · Build the team – find ways you can support each other, and work together, so that you are less likely to enter the battle-zone on opposite sides. Arguments happen. They are part of what it means to be very different people who are trying to work together. Finding healthy ways to manage our disagreements helps us to explore new ways of understanding each other and living together. Karen Holford
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