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Why marry? The Porsche Perspective...
Jason and Christie had
been going out for a year when he began talking about moving in
together. He’d thought about marrying Christie, but he wasn’t
sure if they were 100% right for each other. His mum and dad had
divorced when he was ten, so he knew how messy and painful a
broken marriage could be. Living together seemed like a good
option. It would be a test-drive for their marriage. They could
discover if they were compatible and they could see if they
really did like each other on a 24/7 basis...
Living together sounds
like a good idea from the pre-married side of the fence. If
you’re going to commit yourself to something for the rest of
your life, you need to do your research. But marriage is not
like a mattress or a piece of cheese. It isn’t something you can
lie on for a few nights or something you can nibble to see if
tastes good. Marriage is complex and the relationship grows,
develops and changes over time. Most importantly the quality of
your relationship is quite different when you’ve both made a
public and legal commitment to each other. So you really can’t
tell what it’s like to be married until you are...
Deciding versus sliding
One of the biggest
dangers with cohabitation is that people drift into the
relationship without any sense of long-term commitment. ‘It just
happened.’ ‘After a few dates I went back to his house and we
slept together. And then moving in seemed the obvious thing to
do.’ ‘When Ali got pregnant we thought it would be easier if she
moved in with me so that we weren’t paying two lots of rent.’ ‘I
thought Dan might be the man for me, so I wanted to try things
out by living together for a while.’
But living together
has its challenges...
Sam: ‘When Kate moved
in with me it never even crossed my mind to marry her! It was
great – I mean she cooked for me, ironed my shirts, tidied the
house and paid half the rent...It seemed like an ideal
arrangement.’
Kate: ‘I was happy to
move in with Sam. I thought he was bound to ask me to marry him
sooner or later. But after a few months I realised I was
providing a free sex and maid service. He had all the fun and I
had all the work. He had no incentive to change, and certainly
no incentive to marry me.’
When a woman moves in
with a man she may be showing her commitment to their
relationship. But for many men cohabitation is just a symptom of
their commitment-phobia. So two people can be living together
but thinking very different things about why they are there and
what they hope will happen to their relationship in the future.
Simply sliding into a
cohabiting relationship without discussing your future hopes and
goals, without knowing each other well, and without making a
long-term commitment to each other, is not a good basis for
long-term relational happiness. In fact living together can be
the worst thing to do if you eventually want to get married to
this person, or to anyone else. See the side-bar for some
surprising research about co-habitation.
The Secret of Successful Relationships
Cohabiting is like
hiring a Porsche. You can drive it where you like and how
you like. You don’t have to be too concerned about losing rubber
from the tyres on a hand-brake turn or using the aircon. You can
park it under a sticky tree because you don’t have to clean and
polish it. You don’t have to service the car, or insure it,
because it’s not legally yours and you aren’t committed to it.
Marriage is like
owning a Porsche. It’s all yours and you want to look after
it. You put the best fuel in the engine. You service it
regularly, park it in the garage, drive it carefully, insure it
and protect it. Your relationship with the car is totally
different because you own it and you’re responsible for looking
after it.
Current research
suggests that marriage is much more likely to be successful than
living together that if you want to have a happy and fulfilling
long term relationship. This is because most married couples
make a thoughtful and intentional decision to share their lives
together. They have probably known each other for a while. They
have seen each other in a variety of different situations. And
they’ve consciously chosen to make a public commitment to each
other.
Wise couples also take
the time to prepare for their marriage, not just their wedding.
They do this by talking about their life goals and careers,
their likes and dislikes, whether or not they want to have
children, when to have children, money-management and lifestyle
issues, etc. A good marriage happens when both of you are
willing to discuss important and sensitive issues together. It
happens when each of you is willing to make your marriage the
best it can be and to put aside your own needs and wishes for
the sake of the relationship. A strong marriage also needs
commitment, time to listen to each other, time to talk openly
and peacefully about challenging issues, time to have fun
together and time spent loving each other well.
Thinking about marriage?
Take the time to talk
about your relationship – your hopes, dreams, fears and
concerns. How will you decide who does what around the home?
What was your childhood like? What have you learned about couple
relationships from your relatives, books, TV etc? Discuss the
things that married couples usually talk about before they
choose to live together. If you’re not sure how to talk about
these things on your own, try going to a marriage preparation
course. You don’t have to be engaged, you can just go to explore
your relationship. Marriage preparation courses take place all
over the country and the organisers usually provide a meal, an
interesting presentation or DVD and time for you to chat
together about important things. Click on
www.prepareformarriage.org.uk or call 029 2081 0800
for your nearest course.
Try a FOCCUS
questionnaire. It will help you discuss, discover and explore
all kinds of things that you didn’t know about your partner. If
you only do one thing, take this questionnaire online and then
discuss it with a trained supporter. See
www.affinities.org.uk or call 01823
432420 for more
information
Some cohabiting
couples actually decide to live apart again for a while to see
if they’re really ready for marriage. This gives them the chance
to explore their relationship and choices from a more objective
perspective. If you really care about each other, care about
your relationship and discover the best way to live together
happily and successfully. Own that Porsche, don’t just hire it!
Facts about cohabiting relationships:
Cohabiting relationships are much less secure than
marriages:
A cohabiting relationship is much more likely to
break up than to lead to marriage. The average cohabiting
relationship lasts less than two years. Less than 4% of
cohabitations last longer than ten years. First cohabitations
break up five times more frequently than first marriages.
Cohabiting partners are more likely to cheat on their
relationship than married people. In some studies 25% of
cohabiting men were having an affair.
You are more likely to be poorer:
Married men earn 10-40% more than cohabiting men.
They are more likely to buy a home as a long term investment for
the relationship. An unmarried couple who are living together
are more likely to rent because it’s easier to sort out the
finances if the relationship breaks down.
Your health and safety may be at risk:
People who cohabit are more likely to put their
physical and mental health at risk through their lifestyle
choices. They are more likely to suffer from depression and to
feel that that their lives are unfulfilled.
Women are more likely to experience domestic
violence in a cohabiting relationship than in a marriage.
Your children may suffer:
A cohabiting relationship where there are children
is more likely to break up than a childless relationship. 50% of
women who had their first child in a cohabiting relationship
(often as an attempt to cement the relationship) found
themselves living as lone parents within ten years.
A child is much safer living in a home where his
biological parents are married than when he is living with his
mum’s boyfriends. The most dangerous place for a child is in a
home where his mum is not married to her partner and the
partner is not related to the child. Think Baby P.
Children whose parents are cohabiting are
financially poorer. They are more likely to suffer from
emotional problems and health issues than the children of
married couples. Children with married parents do better at
school and in their future careers, and they are more likely to
have a happy marriage and a stable home of their own. When a
survey asked children what they feared the most it wasn’t
spiders, large dogs, being bullied, or losing a friend. The
greatest fear was that their family would split up. If their
parents are only living together then the children’s greatest
fear is more likely to become a heart-rending reality.
For more information on the research cited in this
article download ‘The Facts behind Cohabitation’ by Patricia
Morgan, from
www.civitas.org.uk. Or visit
www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,532600,00.html
Further ideas and help for your relationship can be
found at
www.2-in-2-1.co.uk which is packed with ideas and
advice on all kinds of couple-related topics.
Karen Holford
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