lifestyle

FEATURE 

Soothing each other

 People who study healthy relationships have found that one of the secrets of a strong and happy relationship is the ability to soothe each other when there is distress, sadness or pain.

 Debbie, Jay and the Difficult Day

As soon as Jay came through the front door, Debbie knew he’d had a hard day. His face was tight and tired looking. His shoulders sagged. He let his bag drop to the floor. His whole body looked heavy, and he sat heavily in the chair and held his head.

 Jay didn’t have days like this very often, but they happened perhaps once or twice a month. Debbie had learned to be quiet and not bother him for a while when he came through the door looking like that. She tiptoed away and went to make him his favourite drink. She served it with a piece of his favourite cake. It was her way of silently saying, I care about what you’re going through right now, and I hurt for you.

 In a little while, when he’d had some quiet space, she’d serve him his favourite food. She’d help him with his chores. They’d go for a short walk and talk about their day. Then she’d pour some oil on her hands and give him a back massage to help him relax before he went to sleep.

 Freda and George – Being there

Freda was very sad. She’d never been so sad in her whole life. Her mother had just died and it felt to her as if the whole world had become black and lonely. George had never seen his wife so sad before. She seemed to be crying all the time. He wanted to show how much he cared, but he didn’t know how. He felt so sad, too, seeing her like that. He sat with her whenever he could, and held her hand, just so she could feel he was near her. He didn’t know what to say to comfort her, so he just said, ‘I’m so sad that you hurt so badly and I want you to know that I’m here with you, and I’ll be here with you as long as it takes to help you feel better.’

 Helping her Cry

Little Tina came home late from school. ‘Where have you been, Tina?’ her mum asked.

 ‘I’ve been with Lisa. You see Lisa dropped her best doll, and it broke, and I stayed to help her.’

 ‘Oh, you stayed to help her fix the doll. That was kind of you, Tina.’

 ‘No mum, I couldn’t fix the doll, so I stayed to help her cry.’

 Comforting the Cut

Jerry came crying to his dad. He’d fallen down on some sharp stones and his leg was bleeding. To a young boy, it seemed as if there was lots of blood. He was scared, and he hurt badly, too. Dad picked him up and held him close, as he carried him to the house, bathed his knee clean, wrapped it in a clean bandage and then used his pen to draw a funny face on the bandage over the cut. Jerry began to smile again. Dad found Jerry a drink, and sat on the steps outside with him for a few minutes, telling him a story. Soon Jerry was up and running around again.

 Soothing and Comforting

·        There are times in our lives when we need some comfort, when we need to be soothed. Some of the best relationships are those where each person knows how to soothe the other, and knows how to help them calm down and feel better again

·        Different cultures may have different ways to show comfort and concern, and to be soothed. In some places drinks are soothing, a hot cup of herbal tea, or a refreshing glass of cold water. Some show comfort by bringing flowers, or using special music. For some people being with the sad person is the important thing to do.

·        Just as different cultures have different ways to be soothed, each of us are different and have different ways in which we like to be comforted.

 The two things we need to know

·        Comforting is not about trying to make the other person happy.

·        When someone is sad, they’re sad. If you try to make them feel happy, they may feel that you don’t understand their pain. If you try to make them forget their sadness, or try to persuade them that the thing they’re being sad about is really only small, they will also feel misunderstood, because their pain feels very big to them. Responding in these ways can make the person who is sad feel even more isolated in their pain.

·        When we’re having a difficult time, we usually need two things:

 1.      We need to know that we’re not alone in our sadness because someone is there with us.

2.      We need to know that the person who is with us is trying to understand what we’re experiencing.

 ·        If we feel that there’s no one there to be with us, we can feel very alone, and this can increase our sadness.

·        If we feel that our pain isn’t accepted and understood, then this can also make us feel more miserable.

·        When we experience togetherness and understanding, we’re more likely to feel comforted.

 When might we need comfort?

·        Think of the some of the times when you feel like you need some comfort.

·        When we’re sick and ill we need the comfort of knowing someone is there to take care of us, and that they’ll do all they can to help us to feel better. Maybe they’ll bring a cool cloth for our hot head, or make some good soup for us when we don’t feel like eating much.

·        Disappointments need comfort too. When we fail an exam, or when we don’t get a job that we wanted. When our crop fails and the bad weather comes and spoils our homes, we need comfort. We may need someone to be there with us to share our feeling of loss, and, when the time is right, to give us hope again.

·        When someone we love has died, we may need comforting, because our loss is so very great. If we lose a crop, it’s hard, but maybe next year will be better. When we lose a person we love, we may feel as if we have lost them forever, even if our faith and culture tells us a different story.

·        Sometimes we have a bad day. We may feel misunderstood, used, abused, exhausted and challenged, and we need a loving person to bring us comfort and soothe our troubled minds and bodies.

·        Sometimes we have hurt, or been hurt by, someone we love, and this can make us sad. At these times we need to find each other again and offer comfort, so that the relationship can be healed.

 Thinking about it

·        Think about the times when you needed comfort. Who gave it to you? What did they do? What did you like about what they did? What wasn’t so helpful? Maybe there wasn’t anyone to comfort you. If so, then you’ll be able to understand even more how lonely it feels to be sad when you don’t have a comforting person to be there with you.

·        Is there someone you know right now who may need comforting? Think first about those most closely related to you: your spouse, and your children, and the family where you grew up. Who needs comforting? Do you know how they like to be comforted? If not, you can ask them, and they’ll probably appreciate your interest in their lives. You won’t feel so uneasy about what to do if you know the special way that someone likes to be soothed and comforted.

·        This is a troubled world. It’s not easy to live here, there’s lots of pain and disappointment. But some soothing moments and some caring comfort, can bring a little peace into a hurting heart.

 Comforting ideas

·        Have a special comforting blanket or sheet. Whenever anyone feels sad they can wrap themselves in the blanket and other family members can come and hug them. Make this blanket look different from the other blankets in your home, or choose one that is soft and fluffy.

·        Place a flower on the pillow of someone’s bed. Choose lavender or other fragrant flowers that may bring refreshment and relaxation.

·        Make a special drink for someone who needs comforting and serve it in an attractive way.

·        Put a note into a work or school bags when someone is having a hard time, or if they have an exam to do, to let them know you’re thinking of them, and that you care about the challenges they have to face.

·        When someone has died, give time for their family and friends to talk about the person they have lost, and their special memories of them.

·        Make regular contact with someone who is hurting, so that they don’t feel so isolated. If possible, leave flowers or other small gifts with them that will remind them that someone cares for them, even when you aren’t there.

 Insets

Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down. Romans 12:15, The Message.

 Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart. Proverbs 25:20.

 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5.

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ISSUES  

Living together or Marriage

Today should we, like most of our society, accept cohabitation? By 1993, one in every five unmarried men and women were cohabiting. 'Partner' is the term used rather than husband or wife. 70% of single women cohabit whilst 90% of women marrying a second time will cohabit before their second marriage. We can conclude from these figures that the women of the 1990s are trying to find our if cohabitation is better than marriage.

In 1997 a study 'Cohabitation or Marriage' was published in response to the need to understand the issues and implications of cohabitation. Women, whether a practising Christian or not,
can draw an informed conclusion from
its medical and social evidence.

The proportion of marriages solemnised in churches has decreased to 50% in 1993.   Does this statistic mean that marriage is out of date and the Christian women out of touch with reality? There are arguments given for favouring cohabitation:

1. It is good to have a trial marriage. This will lead to less divorces.

2. Marriage reinforces the position of women as a sexual stereotypes whilst untied by commitment she may be free to express herself.

This attitude of the western world comes into conflict with the basic Biblical teachings. The 'evolutionary thinking' of society does away with the teaching of Genesis 1 and 2 to which Jesus refers in Matthew 19:4-6: "So they are no longer two but one. Therefore what God has joined together let man not separate". Christianity teaches commitment to another while society advocates seeking self-satisfaction. In becoming 'one' and 'being fruitful', God ordained the forming of a stable family unit. Whilst God endorsed sexual freedom and child bearing in marriage, this is now viewed as out-of-date, but is it the better way?

Information gathered in the 1993 General Household Survey,  British National Survey of Sexual Attitudes published in 1994 and Surveys of Psychiatric Morbidity in Great Britain in 1995, are the basis for the following information upon which to base our conclusions.

Firstly, an argument given in favour of cohabitation is that a trial marriage will help to avoid a divorce or unhappy marriage, yet facts show the opposite to be true. Cohabiting couples are 80% more likely to divorce. Six out of every ten women who cohabit are sexually more active, i.e. with more than one partner at a time, while married women’s statistics shows only one out of ten have an affair. Consequently multiple sexual  partners increases ire likelihood of contracting sexually transmitted diseases.

Without a stable long term relationship, child rearing is adversely affected. The death rate of babies is 35% higher for cohabiting parents than those married. Abortion is also found to be higher in cohabiting couples than even for single mothers.  Without marriage a couple living together is more interested in their sexual relationship than being committed to having a family life.

Smoking seems to be an outlet for the stress felt by cohabiting pregnant women. Single and cohabiting mothers to be are more than twice as likely to smoke than her married counterpart. Smoking is also seen as a main contributor in babies being born under-weight to these unmarried mothers.

The extensive survey by the Department of Health on the prevalence of psychiatric disorders in adults found large differences between the neurotic behaviour of the married, single and cohabiting. It is significant that cohabiting women have much higher rate of anxiety and depressive disorders.

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HEALTH

Relating to someone with a disability

 Mike’s story

As soon as Mike was born, it was obvious life wasn’t going to be easy for him. He was born without a right foot, and his right hand was deformed, with just a thumb and two short fingers. In the community where he was born it was customary for babies with disabilities to be left to die. It was a poor village and the families didn’t have the resources to care for a child, who would face physical challenges, and not be able to hunt and farm to create food.

 But Mike’s father had waited years for a son. He saw the disabilities, but he also saw the possibilities. He and his wife nurtured their young son, giving him good food to help him be strong. When the boy started to creep around, his father made him a little wheeled chair to sit in and he could use his left foot to help move the chair and steer it.

 His father even bandaged his own right hand, until it worked like Mike’s deformed hand, so that he could learn how to help Mike use his hands. When Mike began to walk, his father carved a crutch for him, to help him get around and one day he had an idea for making a wooden foot for Mike’s leg. Soon there wasn’t much that Mike couldn’t do by himself.

Mike grew to be wise and kind. He and his father would invent new things to help him get around and do different tasks. They began to make things for the other people in their community who were sick and disabled. Mike would go and listen to their stories and their hopes, and he and his father would try to help each one of them to find a useful job to do for the community.

 Because of Mike’s wisdom, kindness and understanding, he grew up to be a good leader in his community

Here are some of the things that Mike’s community learned from this experience

 This could happen to any one of us

It’s sad when someone is born with an obvious disability, but most of us have something in our lives that stops us from achieving everything we could. Any of us could become disabled during our lives, through illness or an accident. If that happened, we would want people to treat us with respect, listen to us and help us when necessary. It’s useful to think how we would like to be treated if we had a disability, and to use our thoughts to guide us in the way we treat others with a disability. When Mike explained to people what his life was like, they realized that more needed to be done to help the other disabled people in their community.

Value everyone

It’s important to value others, and to treasure them, even when they are not physically perfect. They are still important human beings who can participate

in our communities. Even those who seem to be so disabled that they can’t even move can be an asset in their community. The measure of a strong and caring community is often seen in the way it treats those who need the most support and help.

 Listen to them

We can listen to their perspective on our world as they often have valuable insights from their experiences. Someone who is deaf, blind, can’t walk, or who is disfigured, may be able to help us see better ways of relating to each other, or new ways to do things.

 Help them to make a contribution to the community

We can help people with a disability find something that they can contribute to the community. Every person needs to be able to feel that they can do something useful. Beethoven, one of the great European music composers, was totally deaf when he wrote some of his most wonderful pieces of music. Stephen Hawking is a famous British scientist and author, even though he is totally paralysed. Someone who can’t walk can write, draw, weave, make pots, or even be a teacher! Someone who is blind can often make things with their hands, listen to people, tell a story to a child, or play wonderful music.

 Help them to conquer their environment

Often the biggest challenge for a person with a disability is their environment. Help them to overcome environmental barriers by finding ways to help them move around safely, reach the things they need, and take care of their own personal needs. It may be that you have to think up new ways to make their clothes, new places to put things, or unusual ways of doing things. Mike’s village worked hard to make a smooth pathway for his chair with wheels on it, so that he was free to move around safely and easily.

 Treat them with respect

Treat anyone with a disability or illness with respect, as any other human being with feelings and needs. To treat them with any less respect than you would like to be treated yourself can give them emotional and social disabilities that can be even more difficult to cope with than their original disability. Ask them how they would like to be helped by you, what they want from life, and what they’d like to contribute to the community, and then try to put their ideas into action.

 Help them to find the best medical help

If the person needs medical help, help them to find it. Little Luke was badly disfigured because he had a cleft palate, and even some of his nose was missing. His mother had rejected him at birth and her parents had taken the child into their home to care for him. One day his grandfather heard that there were some doctors visiting the big city who could mend faces. He carried little Luke for miles to the big city to find the doctors. It was a difficult job, but after many hours of work they were able to make a new face for little Luke. For days his face was covered in bandages, and full of stitches, but when Luke’s new face was revealed, his grandfather cried for joy! Luke would now be like any other child! Back home, his mother accepted him once more and Luke’s life was transformed.

 Help them to get a good education

Try to help a disabled child to have as good an education as possible. This may take some creativity, depending on the child’s disability. Perhaps a special desk or chair needs to be made, or perhaps a blind child needs another child he can trust to write down his answers, or to read to him. Pictures and words can help a deaf child to learn. Whatever they can learn will help them in the future. Many disabled people can do all kinds of jobs with some education and training, a little thoughtfulness, and some adaptations.

 Plan for their needs

When planning community events, or a public building project, make sure that the needs of the disabled users are taken into consideration. Can they get into the building? How would they experience what was happening? Can they use the toilet facilities? What would make the event more comfortable for the disabled person, or the building more useful? Make sure that the voices of the disabled people are heard and that their opinions and ideas listened to and considered to be valid and useful.

 Support their family in caring for them

Find ways to help the family of a disabled person if they are carrying a large burden of caring for a sick or disabled person. Perhaps you could help with some of the care, or do simple things like making a meal for the family, or doing some laundry, or helping with some other practical tasks that the family would find difficult. When Joseph was blinded after a short illness, his brothers decided to help his family by doing some of the heavy jobs around the home. They mended his roof and chopped his firewood until Joseph’s sons were big enough to take care of the jobs on their own.

 The whole community benefits

Some communities are already very good about involving people of all abilities; others still have a long way to go. But those who have taken the time to listen to the disabled people, and to learn from them have found that the whole community can benefit when the needs of the disabled person are considered.

 When you help make this world a better place for someone with a disability, you help to make it a better place for everyone. And one day you may find yourself in need of that better place.

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INSPIRATION 

Biblical foundations for nurturing relationships

 Loving as God loves us

• God is our Father and Creator and Jesus is our Brother

• We are all brothers and sisters in God’s family

• You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:26

 We are all equal – young and old, male and female, God sees us all the same

There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. Galatians 3:28.

Jesus died to save us from our sins and to give us a hope in heaven

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. John 3:16

God lavishes us all with His love and grace, whether we deserve it or not.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called the children of God! And that is what we are! John 3:1

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith. Ephesians 2:8.

Because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions. Ephesians 2:4.

God fills us with His love so that we can love each other more effectively

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:1, 2.

Dear Friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. 1 John 4:7.

We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19.

(Inset)

Love is not about loving the deserving, but loving the undeserving as if they were the most deserving. This is the challenge of love in our everyday lives.

 Experiencing God’s love for yourself

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LIFESTYLE

Solving problems peacefully

Even the happiest and closest marriages encounter challenges from time to time. When two different human beings live closely together, as in a marriage, there will naturally be times when there are disagreements or differing perspectives on a situation.

 ·        Often the closer we become, the more likely it is that we will face a conflict between us.

·        Conflicts are a healthy and normal part of a good relationship.

·        The conflict is not the problem; it’s how we handle the handle the conflict that decides whether the conflict will push us further apart, or bring us closer together.

·        When there are conflicting and differing opinions, it can be an opportunity to learn more about each other, and increase the closeness of the relationship.

·        For this to happen, each person needs to be free to talk about how the situation makes them feel, and to know that the other person has taken the time to listen to them, without feeling that their ideas are inferior or superior to the other person’s ideas.

·        Sometimes it’s important for us to spend time thinking about where our ideas about something have originated, and whether it’s time to change those ideas.

·        After each conflict, try to come together, forgive each other, and show love to one another, so that the conflict doesn’t push you apart.

·        Make it your goal to understand the other person, rather than to be understood yourself.

Problem Discussion

 ·        Before you try to solve a problem or conflict it’s important for everyone involved to be able to say how they feel about the situation, and to know that their views have been heard and understood.

This is the most important part of solving the problem.

·        It is important to separate the discussion of a particular problem from the solution of a problem.

·        First discuss the problem. Take it in turns to be the speaker or the listener. Give the speaker something to hold, like a spoon or a handkerchief.

·        The speaker says how he or she feels about the situation, in a few short sentences at a time. The listener only describes what he or she has heard the speaker say, to check that they have understood the speaker correctly. This is to make sure that there are no misunderstandings that can lead to further problems.

·        After the speaker feels that he or she has been heard and understood, the speaker and listener switch roles.

·        Discuss the problem until both of you agree that you have had a good discussion of the issues involved, and when you both feel you have heard and understood the other person’s feelings and points of view.

·        Don’t try to shorten the discussion phase by trying to solve the problem too quickly, such as by saying something like: ‘I’ll do whatever you say I should.’

 If one gives an answer before hearing, it is folly and shame.

Proverbs 18:13, NRSV.

Prayer

·        Take time to be guided by the Holy Spirit in what you do.

·        Pray silently or aloud, together or apart, it doesn’t matter - the important thing is to acknowledge God’s wisdom in the matter.

·        Prayer can bring you together as a couple.

 J   Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5.

Working on the problem

·        Choose one part of the problem to deal with at one time.

·        Suggest any ideas that come to mind, no matter how wild, funny or apparently impractical. Funny ideas help to reduce tension!

·        Write all the ideas down.

·        Go through the list evaluating the ideas, and looking at different combinations of ideas.

·        Choose a specific solution that would work well for both of you, considering each other’s feelings and needs.

 Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 1 Peter 3:8.

Follow Up

·        Agree to try the solution for a fixed period of time to see if it works

·        Evaluate the solution and see if it needs to be changed at all.

·        If you get stuck anywhere, you may need to spend more time discussing the problem.

Remember

·        Many problems can be solved when plenty of time is taken for open discussion, and each person has a sense of being understood.

·        Some problems need specific, practical solutions.

·        Some problems have no solution, but these are quite rare.

·        Don’t let any problem ruin your marriage, or any other relationship. Go back to the problem discussion stage if you need to.

·        What may seem unsolvable now may find a solution later. Keep praying for God to show you what to do.

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