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February is a special month, not just because it is my birthday month, but because it brightens up the winter season with a day dedicated to love. February 14th, Valentine’s day, is filled with romance. Red hearts on cards, cupids with bow and arrow plus tempting boxes of chocolates adorn the shop shelves. We succumb to the calling of our heart to treat the special person in our life with such goodies. We all need to feel special to someone where young or old so this months Letsconnect reflects this need by looking at various aspects of what relationships are all about. From the book Jumpstart Connections, ISBN 1-57847-043-9, Karen Holford and Ron and Karen Flowers share from their hearts their professional expertise in the Lifestyle, Health and Beauty, Inspiration, Issues and Men’s pages. Our features article comes from Care for the Family, www.careforthefamily.org.uk . The author Gary Chapmen explains that the 5 loves languages affect children too. In the Potpourri the words of wisdom challenge us to daily fill up our own love cup so we can all year around spread some love and happiness. It is now easier to read these pages. Just scroll down through the topics, you do not have to click on each heading. Go ahead and try it out.
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Old Cherokee
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.” The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?” The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
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HOME PAGE POT POURRI FEATURE ISSUES HEALTH & BEAUTY INSPIRATION MEN'S PAGE LIFESTYLE · THE LANGUAGE OF LOVE
In his book, ‘The Five Love Languages for Singles’* Gary Chapman talks about how different personalities express their love in different ways. RECEIVING GIFTS What is a gift? Our English word gift comes from the Greek word charis which means grace or an undeserved gift. A gift is something given without strings attached or it is not a gift. When a child brings you a flower picked from the garden it is a token of their love, they’re not saying I’m giving you this because I want something in return. They are saying ‘I want you to have this because I love you.’ In other words a gift is only a gift when given as a genuine expression of love. For some people giving gifts comes naturally (it’s their primary love language), and many parents believe that buying gifts is the best way to show their love for their child. Some buy what they wish they had been given as a child. Others feel they have to compensate for the fact that they, or the other parent, are absent from the child’s life. Remember, while the gift may be appreciated, if given out of guilt it will not communicate love to the child. What kind of gift? Gifts come in all shapes, sizes, prices and colours. They can be bought, made or found. For example a special shell found on the beach, a wild flower picked from the roadside, or a note in your child’s lunch box all show you are thinking of them. The gift shows you care because you took the time and effort to give it, but bear in mind though, your teenager many not appreciate a note in their lunchbox! Some gifts, such as food, don’t last long but the memory does. Other gifts last a lifetime. One person told me about a special cup her father gave her when she was a small child. Although her father has long since died she still has the treasured memory of the occasion each time she looks at the gift. Often it’s not the gift that speaks but the emotion that was communicated. The right gift is one that speaks love. What if you can’t afford to buy gifts? Often it’s not the cost of even the gift itself, it’s the thought that counts. Sometimes, homemade items are treasured the most, so you don’t need lots of money in order to provide gifts for your children. For someone whose primary love language is Receiving Gifts your thoughtfulness will really be appreciated. If you have great delight in buying, wrapping and giving gifts, then it could be this is your primary love language. Likewise, if your child constantly brings you gifts – such as a flower or drawing, then it’s likely that it is their primary love language too. What if giving gifts doesn’t come naturally to you? It is one of the easiest love languages to learn. Listening carefully to what people say will often give you a clue. For example, your friend tells you that although she knows it’s costly, she phones her sick mother every day. Your gift of a phone card would be much appreciated and would show how much you care. Remember for some people, the gift’s worth has nothing to do with money, it has everything to do with love. Points to Ponder: · In your conversation with your child and other people, do you consciously listen for gift ideas? Perhaps keeping a list in a notebook would be helpful. · What was the last gift you received/gave? What did it mean to you/the other person? · Do you find the love language of receiving gifts difficult, or does it come naturally for you? Why? *’The Five Love Languages for Singles’ by Gary Chapman ISBN 1-881273-98-9. Please note this book is not available from Care for the Family. Email: singleparentfamily@cff.org.uk
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Hey you two! Stop arguing!
Most couples find themselves arguing with each other from time to time. It’s a normal part of living in the same space as someone else with a very different perspective on the world, someone who is as prone to imperfections as you are. But conflicts can get out of hand, or happen so frequently that we spend more time arguing together than enjoying each other. What are some of the patterns in our arguments? How can we identify them, and what can we do about them?
Conflict patterns Think about the arguments you’ve had in the past week. When did you argue, where were you, what did you argue about and how do you think the argument started? Your partner will probably have a very different idea about your patterns of conflict…But don’t use your different perspectives to fuel another row! You are both different and you’ll see things differently. You might also discover that you argue when you’re in the car, when you’re hungry or tired, or that you always seem to argue about money, or how much time one of you spends working. If you identify a pattern, use the information to help you explore some ways to reduce your arguments, like agreeing the best times for you both to talk about sticky issues.
Disappointed desires Each of us has different desires or hopes that are usually met within a healthy, caring relationship. Some of these might be desires for encouragement, appreciation (being thanked for what you do), attention (your partner choosing to spend time with you), acceptance (especially when you feel like a failure), respect, help (practical assistance with everyday tasks), protection (emotional, relational and physical safety), soothing (doing things that calm you down when life stresses you out) and affection. If my husband would really like to spend some time with me, but I’m too busy to take time out to be with him, then he may feel rejected. Disappointed desires and dashed hopes may lead to resentment and anger. Just as we might become more irritable when we’re hungry for food, we can also feel more argumentative when our relational desires aren’t being met. Often our desires and hopes aren’t being met because we haven’t understood them ourselves, and we haven’t helped our partner to understand why those needs are so important to us. If you have an unmet need try making a simple, non-blaming request, explaining the difference it will make to you, and your relationship. Include an incentive for your partner to try something different, so their behaviour is rewarded. If you’d like your partner to spend more time with you, just having fun together, say: ‘I really enjoy being with you and I’ve missed the times when we used to have fun together. I’d love it if we could spend an hour together this evening. Maybe you’d like me to give you a back rub, like I used to?’ Shouting isn’t more effective – it’s just noisier! As humans we often have a strangely illogical belief that people will listen to us if we shout louder or argue harder. If we want someone to listen to us well, we need to make sure that we choose the best time to talk to them. This is usually when they’re relaxed and have plenty of time, not when they’ve just walked in the door after a terrible day at work. We also need to make sure that we talk in ways that encourage them to listen to what we have to say rather than to argue with us. Sometimes we think that if we argue our case strongly enough the other person will give in and do what we want them to do. But the stronger we argue for our position, the more deeply they may retreat into their position until we are poles apart. If your partner comes to you with an idea, suggestion or request that you feel like arguing about, just say, very calmly. ‘That’s an interesting idea. Could I go away and think about it for a while, and get back to you later?’ After you have had time to think, and manage your emotions, say what you liked about the idea, gently share any of your concerns, and add some other suggestions of your own.
Make a difference Sometimes we argue because something in the relationship needs to be changed, but we don’t know what. Imagine that you’ve woken up to find your relationship is perfect at last! Visualise each moment of a day in your perfect relationship and notice the things that you and your partner are doing differently. Choose a few things that you can do right away to make a positive difference to your relationship. Try talking to your partner as you would talk to one of your colleagues at work if you needed some extra support. If you discover something that your partner could do, try framing it as a request rather than as a nag, to avoid triggering an argument. Start a request with this sentence: ‘I’ve been thinking about us and I realise I have a problem I think you can help me with…’ Then ‘I was wondering if you could do (such and such)…because I think that would really help me.’ When you do get the help you’ve requested, make sure that you say ‘thank you’, or show your appreciation in an obvious or creative way.
Tiredness kills - take a break Many of our arguments start because we’re totally exhausted and overwhelmed by everything we’re trying to do, with the limited amount of time and energy that we have. When we’re spinning too many plates and someone makes a tiny request, offers a simple suggestion or says something that we interpret as critical, we feel as if all those plates will come crashing down on top of us. We may feel afraid (those plates could fall on me at any time), misunderstood (surely you know how I can’t possibly spin any more plates!), angry (so why aren’t you helping me spin all these plates instead of playing on your computer or watching TV?). Try simplifying your life for the sake of your relationships. How can you cut back on your work, overtime, housework, computer usage, commuting time, volunteer commitments or even your hobbies? When your life is less pressured, and has wider margins (gaps in your filofax), you are more likely to sleep deeper and longer and have more energy to manage the emergencies of life. You’ll also have more time to talk thoughtfully and to listen to each other carefully. Getting eight hours sleep a night may not solve all your conflicts, but it can help you to manage them in a calmer way.
De-fusing fear Fear can fuel an argument like a can of petrol because when we’re afraid we often short-circuit into a ‘flight or fight’ mode. If we ‘fly’ we may leave the room, go for a walk or clam up. If we fight we may go into battle fully armed with the history of every mistake the other person has ever made, a full thesaurus of negative adjectives and the two dangerous hand-grenades of ‘You always…’ and ‘You never…’ Try to identify what it is you’re most afraid of when you argue, and tell the other person about any fears you have about the ways each of you argue: ’I am afraid that I might…’ and ‘I am afraid that you might…’ Find ways to discuss your issues without causing the other person to feel threatened.
One thing at a time Arguments get out of hand when they become ‘historical’ and we include things our partner did years ago, or when we expand them to include everything that they’re doing wrong at the moment, including the bathroom sink. Stick to one current issue and deal with it well. Then take a break before tackling another issue.
Conflict happens… Conflicts will happen. In fact they can bring you closer together. If you take the time to discuss things respectfully and thoroughly you will grow to know and understand each other more deeply and be less likely to argue about things in the future. See each conflict as an opportunity for deeper understanding, a sign that you are close enough to be honest with each other and still have some passion in your relationship. And if all else fails, and you do have a blazingly awful row, make up as soon as you can. Be the first to move towards reconnection and be just as passionate about making up again…
(inset) Solving problems without raising your voice If your arguments have become messy, with yelling, door-banging, accusations, blame and put downs, try to find a more respectful way of talking and listening to each other. Here’s how to have a silent argument. · Sit down at a table, opposite each other, with several large pieces of paper, two pens and some yellow sticky notes. · Agree on a topic for a ‘silent discussion’ and write it down as a factual, blame-free sentence or phrase. · Write a sentence summarising the topic in a circle in the middle of a sheet of paper. · Divide the rest of the paper into six sections that radiate out from the centre and label them: · Why this issue is important to me… · My feelings about the issue… · The values I have that affect how I feel and think about this topic. · My concerns about the issue (fears and worries)… · Other experiences I have had in the past that are affecting how I think about this topic today… · My ideas for making things better… · Add other headings if you think they will be useful. · Spend as long as you need thinking about the answers and writing them down as clearly as possible. · When you have both finished, swap your sheets of paper and read what your partner has written. This gives you lots of clear information about each other and helps you to understand each other’s position without getting locked into argumentative patterns. · If you want to know more about something your partner wrote, or if there’s anything you don’t understand, write a simple, non blaming question on a sticky note and pass the whole sheet of paper back again. · Once you have both felt heard and understood, look at the ideas you have each had for making things better. · Take your partner’s sticky notes under this heading and stick them on another sheet of paper. Put the idea you like the best at the top of the paper and the second best idea under that, and so on. · Look at the ideas at the top of each of your lists and create an action plan that you are both willing to try. Plan who will do what, where, when and how, etc. · Agree to experiment with the plan for two weeks. Then find a good time to evaluate your progress and adjust the plan, or try a different approach altogether.
If your arguments are getting out of hand, or if they lead to violence, go for professional help as soon as you can. Look for systemic psychotherapists (that means that they work with relationships rather than just individuals) or go to your nearest Relate. www.relate.co.uk
Karen Holford is a family therapist living in Fife, who specialises in working with couples.
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The Gift that Returns to You “Show proper respect to everyone.” 1 Peter 2:17
As the story goes, Johnny Lingo worked as a trader between tropical islands. He fell in love with a young girl on his island, a girl nobody wanted. In their tradition, the bridegroom must bargain with the father of the bride-to-be, offering him cows for the hand of his beloved. The prettier and more talented the bride, the more cows it would take to finalize the arrangements. In fact, the number of cows exchanged for her in betrothal became the village measuring stick for the worth of a woman. When Johnny sought Mahanna for his bride, her father joked that his daughter was so ugly and shy he had always expected to have to give her future husband several cows just to be rid of her. Villagers agreed that Johnny could have arranged his marriage to Mahanna for the price of one old cow. Imagine the shock waves that reverberated through the region when, in a grand public ceremony, Johnny offered Mahanna’s father eight cows for his daughter. The old man was at first struck dumb with astonishment. Later he concluded Johnny must be stupid. No one in the history of the island had ever paid eight cows for a wife, and for Mahanna! At the wedding feast, Johnny felt Mahanna’s pain as she once again became the object of cruel jokes and laughter. In the midst of the revelry, he silently whisked her away on a honeymoon journey that was to last many months. When Johnny returned, a beautiful and graceful woman was on his arm. His father-in-law was immediately concerned. What had happened to Mahanna? The only logical conclusion he could reach was that Johnny had obviously realized she wasn’t worth having after all. Soon the whole island turned out to see Johnny’s new wife. It took some time for the islanders to recognize she was indeed Mahanna. What a transformation! She was beyond a doubt the most beautiful woman on the island. Worth ten cows at least! Johnny knew the transformational power of love in action. When he offered eight cows for Mahanna, he demonstrated how valuable she was in his eyes. When the other women boasted about how many cows their husbands paid for them, none could ever say she was worth more than Mahanna. But this extravagant gesture was only the beginning. In the months they spent away, Johnny demonstrated his love in a myriad of ways, shielding her from ridicule, affirming her strengths, encouraging her in moments of self doubt. Slowly she began to feel good about herself and blossomed into the beautiful person he always knew she was inside.
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Do you know what you need (what you really, really need?) I was trying to make dinner in the kitchen, but I was also trying to make a point. Even though everyone was hungry, no one was coming to help me. We have a large kitchen diner so my husband, Bernie, and three teenage children were busy working on homework and answering emails. They were rightly annoyed that I was annoyed...Because every time I opened a cupboard door, or took something out of a drawer, I made sure that it closed with a significant bang, accompanied by a large sigh. I pulled the pots and pans out of the cupboard and just let them clatter instead of taking them out carefully. It was obvious I was frustrated, but no one asked me if I needed any help. Then Bernie went to work in a different room where it was quieter. In twenty odd years of marriage he had learned to keep out of my way if I was annoyed...The children kept quiet, put on their headphones and listened to their music instead. When we sat down to eat no one really wanted to talk much, and the meal wasn’t as tasty as usual. In all my frustration I had forgotten to add the herbs and some salt...More grumbling...mostly from me... So the meal and the moment and ultimately the evening were all damaged by my frustration. I thought I needed some help in the kitchen, but I certainly didn’t get it. I was so prickly and noisy and irritated that everyone steered clear of me in case I became annoyed with them, too. And so I became even more annoyed and frustrated... I had the horribly vague sense that I had some kind of emotional or relational ‘hunger’, but I didn’t really know why, or what would help me to feel better. A few months later someone told me that each of us has relational needs.[i] Just as we have needs for food and air, water and sleep, we also have relational needs (for acceptance, affection, appreciation, approval, attention, comfort, encouragement, respect, security and support) that are just as valid. Although these were familiar words, I hadn’t really understood what they meant to my relationships, and how understanding these needs would help me to understand more about how I, and those around me, ticked. Here’s a list of those ten top needs, together with some ideas for inviting other people to meet your needs and to help you offer to meet another person’s needs: Affection – Having a hug, a gently touch, a back massage, or a kiss, or maybe hearing some affectionate words. Asking for affection: I think I could do with a hug, could you just hold me for a moment? Offering affection: You’ve had a pretty rough time this week. I wonder if you would like a hug.
Acceptance – being welcomed warmly and forgivingly after you’ve made a mistake, or when other people have rejected you. Asking for acceptance: I feel really stupid about what happened. It would help me feel better to know that you still love me. Offering acceptance: You need to know that I love you just as much as always. The bump on the car means nothing compared to our relationship.
Appreciation – being thanked for something you have done. Asking for appreciation: When I’ve washed your car, it really helps me when you notice how clean it is. Offering appreciation: Thank you for doing the dishes for me. That was a great help!
Approval – being affirmed for who you are rather than what you’ve done. Asking for approval: Tell me what our relationship means to you. Offering approval: I am so glad you’re my son! Being your mum/dad is something that makes me feel very special.
Attention – having someone spend time listening to you or sharing in your interests. Asking for attention: I’d like to spend some time telling you about what I learnt at college today. Or, I’d like to go to the new exhibition at the art gallery, and I’d love you to come with me. Offering attention: I know you’ve always wanted to go to a Proms concert, so I’ve bought a couple of tickets so we can go together.
Comfort – having someone to be with you, and to be sad with you, when you are sad. Asking for comfort: I’m feeling really upset after the accident. Please could you stay with me for a little while and just let me talk things through. Offering comfort: You seem to be upset. What’s the best thing I could do to comfort you right now?
Encouragement – saying or doing something that helps someone else to reach their own goals. Asking for encouragement: I’m finding this study really hard. Please could you sit with me and test me on a few things? Offering encouragement: I know these exams are tough now, but what you’re doing will really help you to get a better job in the future.
Respect – treating the other person in a way that makes them feel special and capable. Asking for respect: When you go and choose the new carpet I’d like to come along, so I can be involved in the decision too. Offering respect: I know you’ve had some experience in this area. I’d like to hear your ideas about how to fix the lawn-mower.
Security – feeling safe and protected physically, emotionally, relationally and financially. Asking for security: I feel very unsafe when I’m in a car that’s being driven so fast. Please could you slow down so that I can feel more comfortable? Offering security: Let me go downstairs and check that all the windows and doors have been locked properly.
Support – having someone come alongside to share your workload. Asking for support: I’m finding this job tiring on my own. Please can you help me for a few minutes so that I can finish it faster? Offering support: You look like you could use a hand with that! What’s the best thing I can do to help you? Once I was able to identify my relational needs, it made a huge difference to my life and my relationships. Whenever I have the strange feeling that my needs aren’t being met in some way, I stop and think through the list of needs to see which ones are my most needy needs in the situation. Now I know what they are, I can say to Bernie, ‘I think I need some support making supper. Please could you peel the potatoes?’ Or ‘I’m feeling sad right now. Please could you sit down and hug me for a while?’ Or he might say ‘I could really use some encouragement with this project. Perhaps you could read it through for me and make a few suggestions?’ Or I could say to my son, ‘You’re looking a bit battered after that wild game of Rugby? Can I make you a mug of hot chocolate, or pour you a hot bath? Or maybe you’d like to drink your chocolate in a hot bath?’ The benefits of understanding my needs, and other people’s needs, have been surprising. The ‘relational needs’ perspective has given Bernie and I a way to talk about all those times in our relationship when we used to feel odd, or out of sorts, or strangely unloved and we didn’t know why. When that happens, we now think about our possible unmet needs, and how best to let each other know what our needs are and how we’d like the other person to respond to them. We can now say, ‘I think I need some support, appreciation, affection, etc, and I think the best way you could meet that need is by...’ It also stops us believing the myth that the other person will be able to guess exactly what we need, and instantly know how to respond to us, just because they love us. And it helps us to take responsibility for recognising and expressing our own needs. No matter how much a person loves us, we can’t expect them to mind-read, and know exactly what we need, especially when we’re not even sure what we need ourselves! What are your needs? Look through the list and see if you can identify a relational need that you have today. Spend a few minutes wondering about how you’d most like someone to meet that need, and then see if you can find someone to help you... One definition of a loving relationship is being able to meet the other person’s needs as generously as possible. What about the needs of the people around you? What do you think their needs might be? How could you ask them about their needs and how could you offer to help meet their needs, as generously as you possibly can? When we know what we need (what we really, really need) we are much more likely to find it. And I am much more likely to find a helpful family when it’s time to make the dinner.
Karen Holford
Ask God to Help you Create Ways to Use Your Relational Needs Skills Talk about your needs. Tell your closest family members or friends what you think your top three relational needs might be at this moment, and how they could help to meet those needs. Ask them about their needs and discover how you can help them to feel more loved, too. Transform your children! One couple decided that they would try to meet all of the ten needs for each of their children, every day. So each day they would try to encourage, support, appreciate, respect, hug, and comfort their children, etc. As they did this they found that their behaviour dramatically improved as they didn’t have to whine or misbehave in order to have their needs met. Be a need spy! Think about the needs of your colleagues, or even the people you meet in the street and in the shops. Listen out for clues of any unmet needs they may have, and see if you can meet that need, even secretly! Katie overheard a colleague saying that she felt discouraged and unappreciated. The next day Katie left a small bunch of flowers on her colleague’s desk with a note saying, ‘I’m so glad you work here with me!’ These top ten relational needs are all described in the writings of Paul in the New Testament. Acceptance – Romans 15:7 Affection - Romans 16:16 Appreciation - 1 Corinthians 11:2 Approval - Ephesians 4:29 Attention - 1 Corinthians 12:25
Karen Holford Comfort - Romans 12:15b and 2 Corinthians 1:3-4Encouragement – 1 Thessalonians 5:11Respect - Romans 12:10bSecurity - Romans 12:16a and Romans 12:18Support – Galatians 6:2[i] For more information on relational needs, read ‘Top Ten Relational Needs’ by David and Teresa Ferguson. Available for £8.00 from www.relationaltraining.co.uk
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· Boomerang Respect! Stephen and Michael were both leaders in a youth group. Stephen would raise his voice and demand that the young people respect him. Michael treated each teen as if they were uniquely special and valuable. It should come as no surprise that it was Michael who gained the most respect. Joe believed that as husband and father he had the authority to insist that his family respond to his commands without question. He was not interested in his wife’s viewpoint. If his children disobeyed him, he would punish them harshly. Open ridicule was forthcoming whenever anyone in the family made a mistake. Needless to say, home wasn’t a happy place to be when Joe was there. The children were quietly rebellious. His wife endured. They treated him respectfully as their father, but in their hearts they had no respect for him at all. Real respect comes from the mutual exchange of esteem and dignity in a relationship. Treating others with respect is a good investment. The more respect we show to our marriage partners, our children, our parents, our siblings, the more respect will be shown to us. Respect is much more than behaving politely and extending common courtesies, as important as these are. Here a few practical ideas: Involve others in decision-making. If you are making a decision that will affect someone else, ask them for their ideas and input into the decision. Think of this when you want to invite others home for a meal, take a trip, commit yourself to a project, distribute household chores, make an important parenting decision. First listen to the other person’s perspective and accommodate their wishes if you can. If you can’t, see if you can agree together on a solution that meets both their needs and your own. Let everyone know that their ideas are important to you. Allow others to express an opinion. Respect allows for opinions different from your own. Respect helps a person discern between viewpoints that are merely different from one’s own and beliefs and behaviors that are morally wrong. When there is respect in a relationship, each can offer the other opportunity to calmly and politely put their views across. Respect requires a willingness to consider differing perspectives. Respect the property of others. Respectful people ask the rightful owner for permission when they want to borrow or need to move something that belongs to them. They take care of borrowed items and return them in good repair. A hallmark of abuse is the destruction of property valued by another. Respect privacy. Each family member needs some personal space for privacy and solitude. Personal space gives a person a chance to develop their own uniqueness, even as they remain connected to the family. It’s respectful to knock before entering someone else’s space. It’s respectful to provide each person in the family with a place where they can keep their belongings. One father gave each of his seven children a small lockable box in which to keep their most important treasures. Respect other people’s preferences. If your wife likes something done a certain way, think of what it would mean to her if you tried to do it that way just to please her. Respect is honoring each other’s simple requests whenever possible. Tom really couldn’t see why his wife had one dish towel for drying dishes and another for drying pots, but he followed her instructions anyway. She, in turn, cooked him rice the way his mother always made it, though she personally couldn’t see that the result was very different from other ways of cooking it. Respect one another’s time. Ruth’s dad always told her that being late was like stealing time from someone else’s life. Out of respect, she decided to let others know when she was going to be late so they plan the use of their time. It’s an act of respect to express thanks for the time people generously volunteer in the interest of others. Find ways to build people up. Marta had five young children. Josephine noticed how tired she looked as she walked down the road to buy vegetables for dinner. Wishing to give her a lift, Josephine stepped out into the street as she approached and called her over. “I’ve been wanting to tell you how much my son loves to come to your house and play with your children. He says you’re always so kind to him. He especially likes it that you’re always there to give him a drink when he’s thirsty. That means a lot to me. Can’t you come in for a drink and a little rest on your way to town?” Marta enjoyed her visit with Josephine and went on her way feeling better. Mark had heard about men who respected their wives and children and treated them as if they were royalty. At first he thought it was a ridiculous idea. But he knew his home wasn’t as happy it could be, so he decided to try an experiment. Without telling his family what he was doing, he planned how he would treat them like kings and queens for just one week. If things improved, he’d try it for a month. If not, he’d give up the idea. The results were amazing. By the end of the week, Mark’s family were treating him like a king! Respect bred respect. He never looked back on his decision. What can you do today to demonstrate the value you place on those around you? How can you make your wife feel like a ten-cow wife? What will make your children want more than anything to treat you with the respect you deserve as a return gift of love?
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Appreciation: Don’t Go Home Without It “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Proverbs 25:11 (NKJV)
Desmond pushed his chair back from the table. “That was a great meal, Cathy! You cooked those potatoes just the way I like them best. And the stew tasted so good! I really liked the seasonings. Not too hot, just tasty!” Cathy smiled, “I’m glad you enjoyed your supper,” she said. Meg watched Jeff as he tried to fix her bike. It was her only transportation to work. She didn’t have the time or energy to walk the five miles each way. He took off the tire, patched it, and filled it with air so he could make sure there was no evidence of further leakage in the morning. He didn’t want Meg to have to push the bike home again. “Jeff, I really want thank you for fixing my bike. And I really appreciate your taking the time to make sure that it’s fixed properly.” Jeff grinned. It always felt good when Meg told him how much she appreciated his help. It made him want to do his best for her. Appreciation is precious. A little bit can go a long way to make life taste better. It is one of those things of which it’s hard to have too much. Amy knew how it felt to go unappreciated. It seemed as if no one ever thanked her or said anything nice about what she did. She kept her small home tidy and tastefully decorated. She arranged the furniture and the rugs with careful thought to bringing the family together. She kept the clothes clean and mended and took care to prepare meals that were both delicious and nutritious. She worked hard at homemaking because she loved her family. She also wanted to feel good about herself as a wife and a mother. But her husband Tim never seemed to notice what she did, at least he never commented. His mother had kept a neat home, so he thought that’s just what women did. Anyway, he figured, it couldn’t be that much work to keep a small house tidy when Amy was at home all day with only three small children for whom to care. It wasn’t as if she had that much to do. Then one day Amy fell and broke her ankle. She had some crutches, but for weeks it was very difficult for her to keep the weight off that ankle and do her housework at the same time. She comforted herself that she could still watch the children. They were her first priority anyway. When Tim came home from work each day, he could see that Amy really needed his help to make the supper and pick up around the house. Then there was the laundry and the children’s bedtime routine. He soon realized just how hard Amy worked! His words of appreciation were slow in coming, offered only in small bits at first. But the impact on his wife was truly amazing! Almost immediately it seemed Amy began to smile more. She even began to sing around the house. Before long, it seemed that the energetic and fun-loving Amy he had married began to make more regular appearances. Somehow the meals Tim had taken for granted tasted even tastier, the house seemed even more attractive and his wife more loving and beautiful than ever. Everyone needs to feel their efforts are noticed, even rewarded occasionally. As Tim began to show his gratitude, Amy felt appreciated and valued. She was quick to realize that he probably needed to hear more affirming words too and the children as well. When Amy had more thoughtfulness coming her way, she had more to share with others. Davy dust mopped the floor for his mother. On first examination, it looked shiny clean. But as Mom was helping him to put the furniture back where it belonged, she realized that he’d missed a bit. She had some choices about her immediate response. She could point out the bit he’d missed. She could sweep it up herself, saying nothing aloud, but by her actions making him aware he’d done a less-than-perfect job. Or, she could show appreciation for what he’d done well and just leave the dusty patch for the next time. She chose to ignore the bit of dust, emphasizing his willingness to help and the good effort he had made. Debbie was discouraged. She tried to help around the home and did the best she could, but somehow whatever she did was never good enough. Her mother, intent on teaching her to do things right, always found something to correct. Debbie, however, read these corrections as criticism. They left her discouraged and full of feelings of resentment towards her mother. It’s so easy to focus on what’s wrong rather than on what’s right about someone else’s efforts. It’s the natural human response. But when we do this, we risk discouraging others and damaging relationships. Even when it is necessary to point out a mistake, appreciation for the effort is needed in generous proportions to the necessary correction. Ten parts affirmation to one part correction is about right, the experts say. If you can’t think of ten good things to say, then just affirm what you can and forget the correction this time. We all become skilled through practice, and with each repetition, there’s opportunity for improvement. In the meantime, even a small dose of gratitude and affirmation keeps people motivated to good works. Even more importantly, it helps them feel good about who they are and the contribution they are making to the family enterprise. The secret is simple. Celebrate the kinds of behaviors you want to see more often. Appreciation is never wasted. You may even share in the rewards! Jim told the most amazing stories to his children. In the evening, they all loved to gather around the table after supper and listen to his tales, mostly about his childhood adventures. One day his son said, “Daddy, your stories are better than the stories we read at school!” Another of his children added, “Daddy, why don’t you write a book. Other kids would like your stories too.” Jim later reflected that without the children’s affirmation, he may never have begun writing. At first he submitted his work to magazines. Then, as one by one his stories were accepted for publication, he began to dream of pulling them all together into a book. In the end, it was the income from this book that helped to pay for the children's educations. Agneta made wonderful meals for her husband when they were first married. She put in hours of work making each one special, but he ate them without comment. Agneta longed to hear a word of appreciation or thanks, but it never came. After a year, she decided it wasn’t worth the effort and began putting the simplest fare possible on the table. Within a week Sam began complaining about her cooking! Losing something often has a way of highlighting its value. When you feel like complaining, try instead to visualize the other person behaving in positive ways, ways that would build and strengthen your relationship. Don’t forget to follow their “good example” yourself. At the same time, show real appreciation for every little step the other person takes in the right direction. And while you’re at it, why not write down all the things you appreciate about each of your family members. Picture them in your mind one by one. Think, “What do I most appreciate about this person? What is it about them that make me glad to be in the same family? What efforts on their part deserve a word of thanks? What unique gifts and joys do they bring to this family that I wouldn’t want to live without?” After making your lists, think of all kinds of ways you could show your appreciation. Watch for opportunities to say things like, “I like the way you do your hair. It really suits your face.” “It’s wonderful the way you cook rice. You make it taste so good.” “Thank you for cleaning the shoes. It’s so nice to have them ready to wear in the morning.” Maybe you could write a little note of appreciation and tuck it in a place where your spouse or child will find it. Or perhaps you might be more intentional about putting your own things away to show how much you appreciate an attractive home. Appreciation is like a glass of water on a hot day. It refreshes everyone and keeps them energized. Without it, people wilt like flowers in the heat. Is there someone close to you who’s thirsty for appreciation? Why not start by noticing the effort they are putting into making your life more interesting, more comfortable, more fun. A word of thanks each day is a great thing to say!
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