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IMPOSSIBLE TO FORGIVE?

Have you gone to bed tired but found yourself wide awake? You have put your head on the pillow and instead of experiencing the forgetfulness of sleep your mind has been replaying a record of a deep seated hurt, one which does not turn off, night after night. Sleeplessness seems to be the tip of an iceberg when it comes to the effects caused by various types of hurt. Mario Pereyra and his colleagues at Universidad Adventists del Plata, Argentina, for nearly a decade researched the attitudes resulting from emotional and physical hurt. In an article in Dialogue 16.1 in 2004 entitled How Do You React When Offended? Pereyra wrote that they found eight characteristic attitudes.

Submission – a passive acceptance.

Denial – a conscious forgetting.
Hostile reaction – instant retaliation.
Revenge – intentionally planning vengeance.
Resentment – retaining feelings of anger and remembering the wrong.
Explanation – confronting the other person so as to overcome discord.
Forgiveness – it is more than communication, it is reaching an understanding of the cause.
Reconciliation – this includes explanation and forgiveness but adds the intention of reviving a good relationship.

By studying people of different ages, gender, marital status, beliefs and origins this study showed that these eight characteristic responses formed three basic groups of behaviour:

The first included submission and denial.
The second response group corresponded to behaviours of hostility, revenge, resentment where upsets sometimes resulted in outbursts of anger.
Thirdly, the responses are channelled through dialogue and negotiation, actively seeking to seek reconciliation.

Long before any clinical studies had been done on the impact of abusive behaviour Jesus knew that the solution lay in taking these experiences to the creator of humanity, the heavenly Father. He shared this solution with his disciples and the formula is known as the Lord's Prayer. "Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors," Matthew 11 verse 12. Here the word "debt" is one of five Greek words for sin "ophidian" which means a failure to pay that which is due. The literal meaning of this phrase is "forgive us our sins in proportion as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us." Jesus gives an example of this in the parable of the unmerciful servant, Matthew 18 verses 23-35. He graphically tells how the king forgave his servant a debt he could never ever repay but the servant could not forgive a fellow servant a small debt. The king’s response was to give no mercy to the unforgiving servant. Jesus concludes, "This is how our heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

Why should Jesus who is often pictured as being "gentle, meek and mild" be so insistent over the matter of forgiveness? Our designer creator understands only too well the importance of the need of the physical human system to be cleansed of resentment. Multiple scientific studies back up the findings at the South American Adventist College which concluded that those in the first of the three response groups who showed denial and submission and those in the second group who responded in violent hostile outbursts were most likely to experience physical and mental health disorders. Literature on this issue reveals that those who bottle up their emotions are most susceptible to cancer. The violent explosive releases of anger can cause such illnesses such as heart attacks and other heart disorders. These people also had a tendency towards suicide. On the other hand those in the third group who sought explanation, forgiveness and reconciliation were more likely to have religious beliefs. The resulting better health of this group is exactly as outlined in James' epistle chapter 5 and verse 16 "Therefore confess your sins (debts) to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

There are terrible atrocities happening every second by powerful “others". How can sex slaves, emotionally damaged children or tortured prisoners be expected to do as Jesus expects “forgive your debtors”? Could it be that he could ask this because he knew it was possible? Not instant but possible. Not automatic but possible. Not humanly possible but divinely possible. You see these words are couched in the context of prayer where the human heart is reaching up to divine. Here is one person's experience of such a prayer.

"I lay in bed with my mind replaying the emotional hurts I had experienced and found I could not forgive the person who had done this to me. 'I cannot forget let alone forgive such behaviour,' my mind cried out to God. 'I simply cannot forgive; I know I should.' Instantly God answered my challenge saying, 'I know you cannot forgive, it is not humanly possible but turn your eyes upon Jesus as he hangs on the cross carrying your debts.' At that moment I saw my own sinfulness and asked his forgiveness for all my debts. Again I shared my inability to utter words of forgiveness to the one who has so abused me. Once again God drew near and spoke. 'I know you cannot forgive but I can say the words for you.' 'Oh yes Lord,' I replied, 'say them for me.' 'Father forgive them,' I heard Jesus say from the cross. Peace finally came after years of hurt and that night at five o’clock I fell into a deep sleep."

In the article from Vibrant life issue one 2001 Forgiveness; A Key to Better Health, Allison Kitchen confirms that forgiveness is not usually a single act but starts off as a decision to allow the possibility of forgiveness to happen .'This decision leads to freedom from the effects of hurt and abuse,' states Ran Schmitz a Christian physiologist. It is this decision that enables those imprisoned by life's hurts to go on a journey through the five steps of forgiveness.

1. Recognise the true depth of an injury. Overlooking the magnitude of the hurt is a stumbling block to forgiveness.

2. Grieve over your losses. Feel the depth of the pain, let it surface.

3. Examine how your perception of life has been infracted by this injury. Often faulty core beliefs result in unhealthy patterns of judgment. Schmitz has found these first stages take time. Forgiveness is not an overnight act. Often it takes a series of choices and steps. The heart may take a while before it catches up with the head and can go on these next steps.

4. Learn empathy skills. Recognise the abuser is a human being with their problems, pain and tears which lead to them making choices that were hurtful to others. Yes, this is the hardest step to take but the most critical in terms of generating genuine forgiveness.

5. Challenge prevalent myths about forgiveness such as relationships must be completely restored or you will stop being angry about a sinful act.

These five steps lay a foundation to the final work of forgiveness, as they involve recognising that vengeance belongs to God. Holding on to anger will lead to further damage to oneself. Forgiveness is not humanly possible it must be through Jesus. The choice must be made to stop thinking destructive memories and to replace them with positive ideas. Ask others for help and pray that God will give strength and the power to forgiveness to become a part of your attitude towards life.

Forgiveness exchanges anger, bitterness, hatred, depression and health problems for a peaceful night's sleep. This is what our God wants for us and that is what He makes possible when we pray "Father, forgive us our debts as forgive our debtors."

Heather Haworth

Family Ministries Department

British Union Conference

For more material on this topic contact your Family Ministries department for previous years' material published for the Annual Abuse Prevention Sabbaths.

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