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POT POURRI Mum's words of wisdom A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose. Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. She ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, "Tell me what you see." The daughter replied, "Carrots, eggs and coffee." Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hardboiled egg. Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?" Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water. "Which are you?" she asked her daughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?"
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HELP! I'M A MOTHER I fell in love again on 5 December 1999 but not with my husband. My new love was found in the eyes of my newborn baby daughter. In fact, I knew I loved her before I knew who she was or what she looked like. The fear of having a baby had so overwhelmed me that I did not allow myself to think much beyond the birth and was consequently not prepared for the feelings and experiences that now were beating at the door of my emotions. As I lay in my hospital bed still trying to wiggle my toes 8 hours after an epidural, the reality of my situation suddenly hit me. "MY baby has arrived and is alive and REAL. I have to care for her. Am I really capable of looking after this tiny human being?" It took me the best part of a day to realise that the nurses at the hospital were not going to help me with the general care of my baby and allow me to come to terms with becoming a mother. There was no honeymoon period. I was thrown right in at the deep end with no life jacket and only my common sense – for what it was worth – to keep me afloat. The only experience or knowledge I had about caring for a newborn baby came from what I had read. Theory, as I have discovered, is quite often different in practice. The first few days A few days after having Ambe, I arrived home ready to give mothering my best shot – as if it only lasted a few days. After one week I realised that the task was much more than I ever imagined it to be. Nobody tells you what it's really going to be like. Yes – people say you'll have sleepless nights but they don't say that the exhaustion that accumulates can make you behave like a zombie. I became so tired in the first few weeks that sleeping was a much sought after and rare commodity and became more important than breathing. My husband would tell me about his day and try to enthuse me with his new ideas on decorating the bathroom and I would respond with a grunt or two. The following day, he would pick up from where he left off and as far as I was aware, we never had a conversation about bathroom accessories! In the build up to Ambe's arrival, I had some rigid ideas about caring for my child that was combined with ideas I had about holding on to my individuality and independence, despite being a mother. My baby would be breastfed, I would return to work; my house would be kept in order at all times and I was determined that my baby would not sleep in my bed. It's amazing how one's priorities change – whether by choice or by the demands of circumstance. To all men reading this article, I admit to being a woman who is fastidious about keeping her home tidy and clean etc and I make no apologies for this. Nevertheless, I have discovered that when Ambe is crying and I have been robbed of a good night's sleep, the sight of my husband's socks on the sitting room floor or a kitchen sink full of last night's washing-up become invisible. To work or not to work... Women's liberation brought with it the ideology that women could go out to work and bring up a family. However, this ideology also presents a dilemma for women like me who need to work but also recognise that in the new millennium, it is equally important to stay at home and nurture one's child. I want to work, not because I see my job as fulfilling a lifetime ambition or to satisfy the need to develop a career. It's more basic, more simple than that. It's a need to be independent financially; it's a desire to walk round the shops and see something I like and have the means to purchase it. It's knowing that I'm contributing to the household expenses and therefore have an equal say in how money is spent in the home. It's being able to spend money on the DIY and items for the house to make me feel I've helped to create a happy environment for my family. It's all these things and more. I don't live to work, I work to live. My dilemma is financial independence versus mothering. Can a woman in the 21st century really have her cake and eat it? Having to make changes Since the arrival of my daughter, I've battled with various dilemmas. To be or not be a 'stay at home' mum. To use or not to use disposable nappies. To give or not give my baby a soother; the list is endless. Having done a little research of my own, I have discovered that my dilemmas are universal although some of my peers seem to know the path their parenting will take them with greater clarity than me. Nonetheless, it has become acutely apparent that becoming a parent does mean sacrifice. For me it means sacrificing time for my own pleasures, ie going to the gym, sacrificing overtime at work, sacrificing some of those expensive dinners at nice restaurants (one of my favourite pastimes). However, when I see Ambe's toothless smile and listen to her gurgle and 'talk', the sacrifices seem minimal. Although only six months down the road, I am enjoying the experience of seeing her change and grow. I cherish her 'verbal' responses, the different expressions on her face and the new ones she adds to her collection daily. Although not usually used in this context, the words '... flesh of my flesh, bone of my bones' has a new and perhaps a deeper meaning for me now. If I were an evolutionist, I would have to denounce the 'theory' of evolution after experiencing the miracle of giving birth and witnessing the result of God's creative hand. Indeed, He has created for me a beautiful human being and I'm sure all first-time parents experience the same euphoria. Becoming a mother has certainly given me a new perspective on life and a fresh appreciation for giving and being loved. Within six short months, I have learnt to smile even when deprived of sleep, to be patient – something I have never been, to be self-sacrificing in the realisation that Ambe depends completely on her Dad and me and that every new day brings with it a new lesson to learn. 'Did I conceive a child? Or, child, by forming did you conceive a mother?' Carol Van Klompenburg
Lorraine Cudjoe
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Great Career - Great Mum! Alison is driving to work. In the back of her car, Sam, the toddler, is munching on a biscuit. That’s his breakfast before he arrives at day-care. Sitting next to Sam is six-year old Sarah, and she’s practicing her words for an assembly at school. Over the front seat is the dry-cleaning that needs to be dropped off in the lunch hour when Alison has to shop for Sam’s birthday party. At work she has to make a major presentation, and she hopes it will all be over by three o’clock, so she can leave and pick up the children on the way home. She needs to be home early because she has to go to parents’ evening at Sarah’s school, as soon as her husband gets home. In Britain today, over 50% of mums with pre-school children work outside of the home. For most of them, balancing a career and a family can be continually challenging. It’s easy to feel that you can’t do everything as well as you’d like. Your career seems to suffer when you need to put the family first, and the family seems to suffer when you need to put your career first. It’s a challenge many mums face. So is it really possible to manage your career and your family, without feeling that you are always letting someone down: your boss, your children, or even yourself? It’s not easy, and no matter how hard you try there will always be some of those days where everything goes pear-shaped. Days when your child has chicken-pox, your boss desperately needs you to be at work, your mother-in-law who helps in emergencies has gone skiing in the Alps, the dishwasher repair man is due, and your car is having its brakes repaired. Stress happens! But here are a few secrets from some successful working mums that may inspire and help the rest of us! Create a support network At home – school-age children can do many simple jobs depending on their age and ability. They can even pack their own lunchboxes (does it really matter if their sandwiches aren’t perfectly shaped?), sort laundry, empty the dishwasher, put things away, set the table, empty the bins, feed the cat, sweep the floor, etc. Perhaps they can each have a regular job they do when they come home from school, or for ten minutes after their evening meal. Can your partner help? What would it be most helpful things for your partner to do for you each day, each week, or just whenever? Friends can be a great resource – have a short list of three who could look after your child in an emergency. Share children’s birthday parties to halve the cost and the work load. Exchange skills, encourage each other, and find ways to relieve the pressure for each other when your work loads are extra heavy. Even your employer can be part of your support network. If you can show that you’re willing to be flexible to meet the needs of your workplace, your employer is more likely to be flexible about your family needs, so it’s important to build a positive working relationship with your boss. Flexible working possibilities are one of the best ways employers can help to reduce the stress of their individual workers. Show your family that they’re important to you Find ways to make each person in your family feel special. Ask them what you do that makes them feel especially loved and do more of whatever they say. A teenager may appreciate a lively text message during the day, your partner might enjoy a personal email, a younger child might like a story at bedtime, or half an hour playing a game with you. Plan special family events at weekends, and have regular family treats together. This can be going to a show or theme park together, or it could be having a picnic, going out for ice-cream, or renting a video for an evening. It’s helpful if everyone in the family knows that there’s something to look forward to, when you’ll all be together. Keep talking. Bedtimes are great times for talking one-to-one with your children. Stagger their bedtimes so that you can have personal time with each one, or perhaps you could share out these talk times with your partner, so that you each get to chat to each of the children several times a week. Find the space to talk to your partner, if you have one. Take the time to ask about each other’s work, dreams, challenges and hopes, and find ways to encourage and appreciate each other. Perhaps you could involve your family in choices about your work. Look at your child’s school calendar and ask them to list the three top events that they would like you to attend during the school year. Then keep these days clear and let your employer know that you will not be available at those times. Simplify your lifestyle Choose easy-care work clothes and school uniforms so that you don’t have to iron things at the last minute. Use your tumble dryer to get out most of the creases, give clothes a good shake and hang them up straight away. Keeping your living spaces simple, with plenty of organised storage, helps to cut down on housework. When everyone knows where everything goes, things are more likely to be put away tidily, and it’s easier to do the cleaning. Get rid of everything you no longer need or use. Send it to a charity shop or school jumble sale. Make a list of favourite, easy-to-cook menus so that when you need to cook in a hurry, you won’t be short of ideas. Show older children how to cook simple pasta dishes so that they can always cook for themselves if they need to. Keep an ‘instant’ special meal in the freezer for when guests drop by. Plan ahead Instead of thinking you need to clean every room every week, give the house a general tidy up, and then give a couple of rooms a week a more thorough clean and sort out. Perhaps you can begin ordering your shopping on line. It’s time consuming to begin with, but eventually it will become easier and most systems can generate a regular shopping list for you after a few shops, so that you only have to make a few small changes every now and then, or for special events. Use your lunchtimes, if you can, and shop, exercise, and plan other appointments during your lunch hour to save cutting into evening family times. Co-ordinate your family diaries regularly so that everyone knows what’s coming up. That way you can plan ahead, avoid last minute panics and everyone knows what’s happening. Stay positive Avoid the guilt trap – mums who work outside the home can end up feeling very guilty, whatever they try to do. This doesn’t really help anyone. Try to notice what a great parent, partner, employee, and friend you are, and look at what you’re doing well rather than the tiny bits that go haywire occasionally. Think about your life goals. What would you most like to have achieved in five and ten year’s time? What are your hopes for your family, for your children, for you and your partner? Where would you most like to be in terms of your career? What are your priorities and goals in life? What are your values and beliefs that are shaping your goals? What values and beliefs are you passing on to your children? Think about the benefits of working. There will be those days when you seriously wonder why you even bother going to work! Why not make a list of ways in which your family benefits from your work? Take time for yourself Even though you may have lots of things to try and do each day, take a few minutes out of your schedule just for you. One mum spends an hour in the bath each evening, reading a favourite book; another mum creates hand-made cards for birthdays and Christmas. Helen goes to the gym each day in her lunch-break. Tina tries to have lunch with a friend once a week. Taking care of your own needs is important too. When you feel refreshed, you’ll feel more positive about the rest of your life.
Karen Holford
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From: Pat Habada, GC Children’s Sabbath School department (Study took place at University California, Los Angeles), To: Helen Pearson – PR Manager Cc: Adventist Woman Magazine Subject: WOMEN’S FRIENDSHIPS VITAL TO HEALTH Women respond to stress differently than men do. Fortunately, we also have a better way to cope with it: each other. Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis. Friendships between women are special. They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriages and intimate relationships, and help us remember who we really are. But they may do even more. A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain friendships with other women. It’s a stunning finding that has turned five decades of stress research – most of it on men – upside down. “Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible,” explains Laura Cousino Klein, PhD, now an assistant professor of biobehavioural health at Pennsylvania State University in State College and one of the study’s authors. It’s an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased by saber-toothed tigers. Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just “fight or flight”. In fact, says Dr Klein, it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress response in a woman, it buffers the fight or flight response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead. When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect. This calming response does not occur in men, says Dr Klein, because testosterone – which men produce in high levels when they’re under stress – seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen, she adds, seems to enhance it. The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was made in a classic “ah ha!” moment shared by two women scientists who were talking one day in a lab at UCLA. “There was this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded,” says Dr Klein. “When the men were stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own.” I commented one day to fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress research is on males. I showed her the data from my lab, and the two of us knew instantly that we were onto something.” The women cleared their schedules and started meeting with one scientist after another from various research specialties. Very quickly Drs Klein and Taylor discovered that by not including women in stress research, scientists had made a huge mistake. The fact that women respond to stress differently than men has significant implications for our health. It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other women, but the “tend and befriend” notion developed by Drs Klein and Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men. Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol. “There’s no doubt,” says Dr Klein, “that friends are helping us live longer.” In one study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends increased their risk of death over a 6 month period. In another study, those who had the most friends over a 9 year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%. Friends are also helping us live better. The famed Nurses’ Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life. In fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that not having a close friend or confidante was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight! And that’s not all: when the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend and confidante were more likely to survive the experience without any new physical impairment or permanent loss of vitality. Those without friends were not always so fortunate. Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with them? That’s a question that also troubles researcher Ruthellen Josselson, PhD, coauthor of Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls’ and Women’s Friendships (Three Rivers Press, 1998). “Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of friendships with other women,” explains Dr Josselson. “We push them right to the back burner. That’s really a mistake, because women are such a source of strength to each other. We nurture one another. And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they’re with other women. It’s a very healing experience.”
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ANGEL IN HIS HEART See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. Matthew 18:10. I always intended to make sure that I looked nice and attractive for my family, but with three small children, and a hectic ministry schedule, it was hard to find the time to brush my hair, let alone curl it or do anything else. If I did decide to curl it, I'd usually find myself sitting on the floor of the bedroom playing with a toddler, or reading a story at the same time. A couple of pregnancies still hadn't completely shed themselves from my body, and the practicalities of nursing babies meant I'd usually be wearing sweatshirts and pants, and not my favorite Laura Ashley dresses (presents from my mother!) So, I felt saggy and baggy, frumpy and drab, before the day had barely begun. And by the evening I was also adorned with gluey fingerprints, globs of dried-on cereal and grass stains from a frolic in the garden. Oh yes, the baby had also spit up in my hair, and every now and then the fragrance of a cheese factory wafted past my face. I bathed the children, and dried them, one at a time, sitting on my lap. The inevitable happened, and whilst I caught most of the puddle in the towel, I could feel a warm wet area spreading down the leg of my pants. Oh, well, I thought, I'll change and have a shower once they're all in bed. I rebathed the wet child, and powdered and dressed them all for bed. We had a story, and a prayer, and I was gratefully tucking them in for the night when a happy, cosy, drowsy little boy turned to me, and said, 'Oh mommy, you look just like an angel!' I didn't feel like an angel, and I knew that I looked more like the prodigal son in the pigsty than anything celestial. But I smiled, and stored away those words in a special corner of my heart. One day, I hope and pray, Nathan will see a real angel in perfect beauty and loveliness. Here, he knows he has a guardian angel that is with him every minute of the day and night. It must be wonderful to look like an angel, so perfect, so beautiful, so spotless, but it's not looks that count when you are an angel. The important thing is being there for the one you care for, providing, protecting, loving... I'm no angel, but I have also been with him every minute of the day, meeting his needs, protecting him and loving him, in everything he's done, and it shows. It shows in my hair, it shows on my clothes, it shows in the tired lines, and the smiles on my face. But, most of all, I hope it shows in his heart.
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As I sat in my prison cell, I wondered about my past. I was 31 years old and had spent as much time in jail as I had out of it. Now I was in again with no hope of release for 20 years. Suddenly I felt homesick and remembered how, when I was a toddler, my mother taught me to pray, "Now I lay me down to sleep..." Closing my eyes, I whispered that childhood prayer. Somehow it made me feel closer to my mum. I knew she had been praying for me for years, but it hadn't done me any good. Look where I was! A few nights later I returned to my cell to discover a Bible on my bunk. Throwing it on a shelf above the door, I cursed whoever had put it there. But the sight of that Bible brought back a flood of memories. Bible verses my mother had taught me came back. Angrily I tried to curse them away, but I could not. A couple of nights later I waited until my cellmate was asleep, then crawled out of bed and reached for the Bible. Standing close to the door, where a sliver of light fell, I began to read. Night after night I read through the Bible, until I came to the place where Christ died on the cross. I thought of my mum and knew that she was praying for me still, maybe even at that moment. Although I lay on my bunk and cried and cursed, the picture of Christ on the cross wouldn't leave me. At last I prayed, "God, if there is a God, please show me." Immediately I thought I heard someone say: "The blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanseth us from all sin." "O God, You did this for me! What am I to do?" Softly the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart, "Phil, just ask Me to forgive you." Kneeling on the cold cement floor, I prayed, "God, be merciful to me, a sinner, and save me, for Jesus' sake, amen." My name is Phil Thatcher. Later I received a full pardon from the governor of California and began a ministry among delinquent youth and prison inmates. Thank God for a praying mother! Top of page |
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BEING A MUM IN THE 21ST CENTURY
Mums have always been busy. Make no mistake. Caring for ten children on a smallholding three centuries ago was no picnic! But life was more focussed! Wife/mother/community member she was, but strive in a media-driven, high-speed society she did not. Whatever your specific circumstances, you are affected by the complexities of modern life. In times gone by, relationships were with people you saw daily. The extended family lived within your village. Your children learned about life almost exclusively from you. You did not have to compete with models to impress your man. Your best friend probably lived next door and you washed clothes together on Mondays. Long distance relationships were not normal. Now we attempt to love our widowed mothers by telephone two hundred miles away. We support our husbands whilst also earning our necessary half of the family's income. We want to teach the children our values although they spend daily hours away from us imbibing others' principles. We have relationships at work, with neighbours, with childhood friends who now live many miles away. Our lives touch those of shop-assistants, tradesmen, the driver of the next car, a hundred people on the high street. Our Creator did not design us for passing affiliations. He made us to experience deep involvement in the lives of others around us. Friendships were to be eternal: we have no psychological mechanism to deal with broken relationships. How can we cope with the pressures of life in the 21st Century and keep relationships going? Answers, if there are answers, depend on individuals. Some of us enjoy lots of friendships, rooms full of people. Others seek deep trust with fewer, closer companions. If you are the former, organise time on the telephone each week, touching base with people; get the email going. If the latter, plan weekend visits to old friends, prepare to travel to visit those who matter to you. But always remember we were not designed for today's world. To accept that, to allow ourselves to feel the grief of lost relationships, to refute guilt over our inability to do the impossible, is our healing. To realise that our Heavenly Father understand our situations, and to trust His guidance in interacting with people He puts in our way today, is to cope. Prioritise people over things, relationships over events every time, because the deepest pain of 21st century living is that mankind has developed a world in which relationships take second place. With God, they always come first. Isobel Webster
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