Editorial

Send your ideas, thoughts and feelings to LetsConnect Heather Haworth. Women’s Ministries Department. British Union Conference of the Seventh Day Adventist Church.  Stanborough Park. Watford. Hertfordshire. WD25 9JZ. United Kingdom. email contact:-   Letsconnect For past editions follow this link

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I wonder, what you would do differently if you had your life to live over again? Our Lifestyle page writer ponders this question with a challenge to us. On our Inspiration page Geraldine is also pondering about things being made new.

 One thing I do hear from Grandparents is that they want to approach bringing up this new generation in a different way to how they parented. Perhaps if they had access, in their parenting years, to the wealth of good ideas shared by Karen in the Issues page this would not have been necessary.

 Little tips often come in useful. Alysse has been sending me some to share with you in the Potpourrie, Men’s, Health and Beauty pages. I hope you enjoy scrolling through this issues “words of wisdom”.

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THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME

 My Mother taught me... “TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE”

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside...  I just finished cleaning.”

 My Mother taught me... “RELIGION”

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

 My Mother taught me... “TIME TRAVEL”

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

 My Mother taught me... “LOGIC”

“Because I said so, that’s why.”

 My Mother taught me... “MORE LOGIC”

“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

 My Mother taught me... “FORESIGHT”

“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

 My Mother taught me... “IRONY”

“Keep crying, and I’ll really give you something to cry about.”

 My Mother taught me... “OSMOSIS”

“Shut your mouth, and eat your supper.”

 My Mother taught me... “CONTORTIONISM”

“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

 My Mother taught me... “STAMINA”

“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

 My Mother taught me... “WEATHER”

“This room of yours looks as if a Tornado went through it.”

 My Mother taught me... “HYPOCRISY”

“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times.  Don’t exaggerate!”

 My Mother taught me... “CIRCLE OF LIFE”

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out...”  (The “God Mother”?)

 My Mother taught me... “BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION”

“Stop acting like your Father!”

 My Mother taught me... “ENVY”

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

 My Mother taught me... “ANTICIPATION”

“Just wait till we get home.”

 My Mother taught me... “RECEIVING”

“You are going to get it when you get home!”

 My Mother taught me... “MEDICAL SCIEINCE”

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

 My Mother taught me... “ESP”

“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”

 My Mother taught me... “HUMOUR”

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

 My Mother taught me... “HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT”

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

 My Mother taught me... “GENETICS”

“You’re just like your Father.”

 My Mother taught me... “ROOTS”

“Shut that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?”

 My Mother taught me... “WISDOM”

“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand all these things I’ve been trying to teach you your life.”

 Finally,

 My Mother taught me... “JUSTICE”

“And one day, you’ll have children, and I hope they will be just like you, my child, and God bless you.”

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·        

If I had my Life to Live Over – by Erma Bombeck

(written after she found out she was dying from cancer)

I would have gone to bed with I was sick instead of pretending the earth would go into a holding pattern if I weren’t there for the day.

 I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

 I would have talked less and listened more.

 I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

 I would have eaten the popcorn in the ‘good’ living room and worried much less about the dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace.

 I would have taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth.

 I would have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband.

 I would never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my hair had just been teased and sprayed.

 I would have sat on the lawn with my grass stains.

 I would have cried and laughed less while watching television and more while watching life.

 I would never have bought anything just because it was practical, wouldn’t show the dirt, or was guaranteed to last a lifetime.

 Instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I’d have cherished every moment and realised that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

 When my kids kissed me impetuously, I would never have said, ‘Later.  Now go get washed up for dinner...’  There would have been more, ‘I love you’s.’  More, ‘I’m sorry’s.’

 But mostly, given another shot at life, I would seize every minute, look at it and really see it..., live it and never give it back.  STOP SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF!!!

 Don’t worry about who doesn’t like you, who has more, or who’s doing what.  Instead, let’s cherish the relationships we have with those who do love us.

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When your children aren’t children any more

Once upon a time we listened to every breath our daughter breathed. Now she lives hundreds of miles away. Once upon a time we knew everything our son did in a day. Now he does dozens of things we never even hear about (like spending a day wearing his clothes backwards) or don’t understand (like quantum physics or trekking through the Sahara).

Maintaining healthy relationships with our adult children is as important as having a good relationship with them when they’re young. Most young people don’t leave home gradually. One day they’re taking up lots of space in your home, and the next day they’re cramming their things into a tiny room a hundred miles away. Just as we slowly adapted to living with them when they first arrived in our home, it can take a while to adapt when they move out again.

 Don’t play space invaders!

When children leave home they need the space to work out how to live their lives, where to shop, how often to come home, etc. They need to learn how to manage their own work or study schedule or new relationship. We need to give them the freedom to create their own lives. Like most relationships - when we step back from a person, they’re more likely to come towards us and when we take too many steps into their life, they are more likely to move away.

Accept them

Adult children make their own lifestyle choices, and they may not be the same ones we would choose. They might go to crazy concerts, wear bizarre clothes, and collect interesting friends. They might eat and drink things we can’t spell, and choose careers we can’t pronounce and don’t understand. The most important gift we can give our adult children, and ultimately ourselves, is to accept them, whatever they are doing, saying, eating and whoever they are with.

One of the most important gifts we can give our adult children is to welcome and accept their girl and boyfriends, partners, husbands, wives, children and step-children or whoever. It’s challenging to have divided loyalties between the people you have grown to love and the parents who have always loved you. It’s easier to spend less time with your disapproving parents than to risk the chance that your parents will hurt your new friends and family members. So, if you want to spend more time with your adult children, be nice to whoever they bring along with them. Look for positive and appreciative things to say about their relationships. The more critical you are about their friends, the more critical they might become of you...

Learn their language

When it seems as if our children have launched themselves in outer space, we need to be creative in the way we communicate with them. It may mean learning how to email, send text messages, use Skype®, or join FaceBook. But leave spaces. It’s better to be in touch once every couple of weeks and have them wondering why you haven’t called, than to contact them several times a day and annoy them! Don’t be surprised if you’re not the person they speak to the most...just be thankful they have friends!

Enter their world

            One of the best ways to spend time with your adult children is by doing something with them that they’ve always wanted to do. If the activity that’s on the top of their ‘dream’ list is also on the top of your ‘nightmare’ list you may have to take a deep breath, pray hard and wear some dark glasses. Remember that the important thing is being with them. You don’t actually have to bungee jump, bog-snorkel, swim with sharks, or look closely at the pictures in a modern art gallery. If all else fails, keep your eyes closed and take them out for their favourite meal afterwards.

Read what they’re reading and learn about what they’re learning (you can always borrow ‘Quantum Physics for Toddlers’ from your local library). Then ask some intelligent questions...

Surprise them!

Discover where your children like to shop. Then send them a gift voucher when they’re least expecting it. You can even send some vouchers directly via email. Give them a gift card for their favourite restaurant or ‘coffee’ shop or send them tickets for a concert or exhibition they’d enjoy. If you’re not sure what to give find gift cards and experience packages that let them choose which spa day or hair-raising activity they’d prefer. Share a store card with your son or daughter so that you can earn loyalty points faster. Then send them the rewards vouchers as a bonus.

Be available

Our adult children need very different things from us than when they were little. They may still need our financial and practical support occasionally, but they may also want to explore serious ideas, debate an important issue, ask our advice, or cry on our shoulders. Mostly they need to know, somewhere in the back of their minds, that we’ll always be there for them if their world falls to pieces, or even if it doesn’t. You can say: ‘It’s great to see how well you’re doing since you left home. But don’t forget, if ever you need anything, we’re right here for you, even in the middle of the night!’

What if they need you too much and they’re still living at home or wanting you to babysit every weekend? Discuss some gentle boundaries with them. ‘I love looking after your children, but I’ll only be able to manage half a day each weekend. Let me know which will be the best half day for you.’ ‘We’re glad you can stay with us while you’re saving for a deposit on your flat, and it would really help us if you could cook dinner once a week/do your own laundry/mow the lawns, etc.’ If all else fails, go on a very long holiday...

One dad fills his son’s car up with fuel whenever he comes home, and he gives his daughter the cost of her train fare. It’s his way of appreciating their visits and making sure they can always afford to come home.

Make peace

Finding it hard to forgive is one of the biggest destroyers of parent/child relationships. For genuine forgiveness the person who’s been hurt needs to know that the person who hurt them understands what they did wrong.  Saying a quick ‘I’m sorry’ without listening to the effect of our actions on others undermines the forgiveness process. The more we understand what we’ve done, the less likely we are to make the same mistake again.

As a parent, make it your responsibility to be the peacemaker. Be willing to do whatever it takes to maintain positive relationships with your adult children. It’s always worth the effort.

Have your own adventure!

When your children grow up, your lives change. Suddenly you’re not just someone’s mum or dad: you have the opportunity to rediscover your own dreams. Explore a place you’ve always wanted to visit, accept a career challenge, study for a new qualification, start an interesting hobby, or write a book about parenting! Not only will these adventures fill the new spaces in your life, but your children might find you even more intriguing!

When they let us down...

One of the most beautiful love stories ever told was about the love between a father and his youngest son. The boy had messed up big time. He’d taken half the family fortune and spent it all on parties, girls and designer clothes just before a massive recession hit the country. Penniless and a long way from home, the only work he could find was in a pigsty. As he sat in a puddle of rotting kitchen scraps, in clothes that hadn’t been washed for weeks, he remembered his family back home.  They’d always fed him, even when he’d misbehaved. They’d always hugged him, even when he was smelly. They’d always been generous with him, even when he hadn’t deserved it. And they’d always loved him, just because he was their son.

So he set off on the long journey back home, on foot and without shoes, and begging for crusts of bread and cups of water. As he walked along, all alone, he wondered what his parents would say. He realised that he’d caused them incredible financial hardship, intense heartache, and public humiliation. He didn’t deserve to be their son. But the love in his father’s heart was stronger than any of the pain. When he saw his son, still a long way down the road, he recognised him, ran to him, wrapped his arms around him and held him tight. Then he gave him some new clothes, the family ring (and probably a bath) before throwing an extravagant party to celebrate his return. There was no room for reproach or criticism. The most important thing was their relationship.

Karen Holford

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GOOD VISION IN A DOWNPOUR

 How to achieve good vision while driving during a heavy downpour.

 We are not sure why it is so effective; just try this method when it rains heavily.  This method was told by a Police friend who had experienced and confirmed it.  It is useful even driving at night.

 Most of the motorists would turn on HIGH or FASTEST SPEED of the wipers during heavy downpour, yet the visibility in front of the windshield is still bad.

 In the event you face such a situation, just try your SUN GLASSES (any model will do), and miracle!  All of a sudden, your visibility in front of your windshield is perfectly clear, as if there is no rain.

 Make sure you always have a pair of SUN GLASSES in your car, as you are not only helping yourself to drive safely with good vision, but also might save your friend's life by giving him this idea.

 Try it yourself and share it with your friends!  Amazing, you still see the drops on the windshield, but not the sheet of rain falling.

 You can see where the rain bounces off the road.  It works to eliminate the "blindness" from passing semi's spraying you too.

 Or the "kickup" if you are following a semi or car in the rain.  They ought to teach that little tip in driver's training.  It really does work.

 This warning is a good one!  I wonder how many people know about this~

 A 36 year old female had an accident several weeks ago and totalled her car.  A resident of Kilgore, Texas, she was travelling between Gladewater & Kilgore.  It was raining, though not excessively, when her car suddenly began to hydro-plane and literally flew through the air.  She was not seriously injured but very stunned at the sudden occurrence!

 When she explained to the highway patrolman what had happened he told her something that every driver should know - NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON.  She thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain.  But the highway patrolman told her that if the cruise control is on when your car begins to hydro-plane and your tires lose contact with the pavement, your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed making you take off like an airplane.  She told the patrolman that was exactly what had occurred.

 The patrolman said this warning should be listed, on the driver's seat sun-visor - NEVER USETHE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE PAVEMENT IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag warning.  We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control and drive a safe speed - but we don't tell them to use the cruise control only when the pavement is dry.

 The only person the accident victim found, who knew this (besides the patrolman), was a man who had a similar accident, totalled his car and sustained severe injuries for life.

 NOTE: Some vehicles (like the Toyota Sienna Limited XLE) will not allow you to set the cruise control when the windshield wipers are on.

 Tell your friends; it may save a life.

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Geraldene Farmer
13 April 2010

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·        

THE BANK ACCOUNT

 A 92-year-old, petite, well-poised and proud man, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with his hair fashionably combed and shaved perfectly, even though he is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today.

 His wife of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.  After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, he smiled sweetly when told his room was ready.

 As he manoeuvred his walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of his tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on his window.

 "I love it," he stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy.

 "Mr Jones, you haven't seen the room; just wait," I said.

 "That doesn't have anything to do with it," he replied.  "Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time.  Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind.  I already decided to love it.  It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up.  I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do.  Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open, I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away.  Just for this time in my life.  Old age is like a bank account.  You withdraw from what you've put in.  So my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories!"

 Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

 1.     Free your heart from hatred.

2.     Free your mind form worries.

3.     Live simply.

4.     Give more.

5.     Expect less.

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How to help your children to help you

 Life is crazy. You’ve worked all day and as soon as you open the front door you head for the kitchen to cook the evening meal. You peel, chop, bake and boil, set the table, serve the meal, tidy away and wash up. With dinner out of the way you just want to make yourself a hot drink and crash (gently) into your favourite armchair. But no, your son has a school project on life during World War II; the laundry basket has disappeared under a pile of dirty clothes; there are six shirts to iron; and you’ve just found the letter from your daughter’s teacher asking you to bake two dozen fairy cakes for the school’s bake sale - tomorrow. The plants are wilting and the shoes haven’t been cleaned for weeks. And while you made the dinner the children have emptied their toys all over the lounge floor. But now it’s time for them to go to bed…So you drag yourself upstairs and pour them a bath. Three hours later you finally heat some milk for a mug of hot chocolate and drag yourself up to bed.

What you need is some help…And your children have what you don’t have - oodles of time and oodles of energy. All they need is a little training and experience plus a dash of motivation or some inventive incentives…Or is it really that easy? Where do you start?

 Growing helpful kids

Believe that your children need to help around the home. Even though you’re so busy that it seems easier to do all the work by yourself, you’ll save yourself hours of time later if you can train the children now. If you have three children and they only help you for ten minutes a day, for six days a week, you will have more than twelve extra hours a month to do something more fulfilling than loading a washing machine…Imagine how you’d like to spend all those hours, and dangle that idea in your mind’s eye as you encourage your children to help you. If nothing else, it can give you twelve extra hours to enjoy being together as a family.

When your children are helping around the home they are learning vital life skills. Every child needs to leave home knowing how to cook healthy meals, keep a home clean and safe, manage household emergencies, fix simple things, and take care of their clothes (wash, iron and do simple mending).

Show your child what to do. Just because the children have seen you do the same job a zillion times it doesn’t mean they know how to do it all by themselves. They probably have no idea what you were doing! Seeing is very different from learning…as I discovered when a child put washing-up liquid in the dishwasher and we had a kitchen full of bubbles…But it wasn’t such a disaster – by the time we had all cleared up the snowy foam I had the cleanest kitchen ever!

Always work together with your child when they’re learning how to do a new task. This helps to build their confidence and makes sure that they understand exactly what you want them to do. Working together, and teaching your child the necessary skills, reduces their stress levels and the fears they have that they may do something wrong that will make you angry with them.

Break the task down into smaller steps and explain each step clearly. Tell them why you do it the way you do, so that it makes sense to them. When they understand the steps in a task they are much more likely to remember them when they do the job on their own. Then switch roles and ask your child to teach you how to do the job, so you can check how much they really understand.

Another way of teaching is by backward sequencing. If a task has four steps, let your child watch you do the whole job a couple of times. Then you do the first three steps and let your child do step four so that he or she has the fun and satisfaction of completing the task. The next time you will do steps one and two and she will do steps three and four. Then you do step one and your child does steps two to four. Finally they do the whole task alone with your supervision. This sounds strange but the child has a greater sense of success, because they are the person completing the task, and that helps to motivate them. Also you are working alongside them, so they don’t feel alone, and you are modelling the task for them several times, so that they learn well.

Always encourage their hard work, their ability to try a new task, and their persistence. Appreciate whatever they do, as often as you can, and let them know how much it helps you. But avoid praising perfection – an over-emphasis on perfection has been linked to eating disorders, and it can also nurture obsessive-compulsive tendencies, depression, and a sense of failure or never being quite good enough.

Make it as easy as you can for your children to get the job done well. Draw simple diagrams, with written instructions, for the chores you want them to do. Laminate the instructions and keep them close to the washing machine, recycling centre, kitchen sink, bath, etc. For example, a simple diagram of where to put the bowls and plates in a dishwasher can help a child learn to load the machine correctly.

Make chores fun where you can. It’s not always easy. But many grown-ups actually get through the boring bits of their work by adding a fun element to the process, even if it’s as basic as: ‘When I’ve finished this I’ll sit down with a nice mug of hot chocolate.’ Or ‘I wonder what pattern I’ll mow on the lawn this week?’

·        Try: ‘If we can put all the toys away tidily in ten minutes, we’ll have time to make cookies together!’ Then set a timer and have everyone work together to complete the task. That way each person feels equal, everyone is working together and there is a sense of fun. The timer encourages them to work quickly, and making cookies together is a reward which will also develop their cooking skills. And, when the kitchen is a total mess, say ‘If we can tidy the kitchen up in ten minutes I’ll read you a story…’ and start the process all over again!

·        Or ‘See how many pairs of socks you can find in your bedroom and put them all into this drawer.’

·        Or ‘When you’ve finished setting the table we’ll be ready for dinner. I’ve made your favourite dessert.’

·        Or, ‘When all your books have been put back on the shelf choose one for me to read to you.’

·        Or the more subtle ploy: ‘I’ve invited Tom (tidiest child you know) to come and play this afternoon.’

 Avoid pre-bedtime chores. Everyone is tired then and more fragile, and the children are more likely to play up to stay up. Make the half-hour before the evening meal the family chore-time. Then the meal sets a time boundary and becomes the natural incentive for them to help you or to work efficiently. The children can help to prepare the dinner and set the table. If possible, have one parent supervising the out of kitchen chores while one parent manages the kitchen and table chores.

Offer occasional incentives – like a little bit of money, or points to be collected and traded in for a treat. Some parents believe that children should do all their chores for free – it’s part of being in a family and parents don’t get paid for housework, do they? Other parents make all their children’s pocket money dependent on their chores and every job has a price-tag. But the best mix is usually a combination of the two – there are some routine jobs you are expected to do for free (keep your room tidy, set the table, clean out your pet), and some occasional jobs you will get paid for, if you do them well (such as washing the car). This reflects the reality of adult life – some work is paid for and some you do because you belong to a family.

Have a family meeting one day a week and share out responsibilities. Make charts showing what needs to be done each day, and who is responsible for doing it. And let the children trade chores from time to time if they need to.

What about teenagers? Trade jobs with them, too. If they need a lift somewhere try saying, ‘Well I’m quite busy tonight, but if you help me make dinner for half an hour then I’ll have the time to drop you off at your friend’s house around 7.00pm.’ One family pays their teenagers to clean the house instead of hiring a cleaner.

 Matching the job to the child

Sometimes we expect way too much from our children, and sometimes way too little. Here’s a checklist to help you find the best job for your child.

·        Does the child have the physical strength and skill to do the task? The job needs to be within the physical abilities of the child. You wouldn’t ask a three-year-old to wash your best glasses, or take the Irish wolfhound for a walk in the park, but he might be able to put his toys in a box or his dirty clothes in the laundry bin.

·        Does he understand what you are really asking him to do? I asked one child to watch the baby whilst I picked some vegetables from the garden. When I came back, five minutes later, the baby had taken a plant out of the plan-pot, scattered earth across the lounge carpet and chewed off some of the leaves. The explanation was ‘Well, I did watch him, Mummy, and he was very funny!’ After you have given the child a simple instruction, ask them to tell you what they are going to do, so that you can check they have really understood.

·        Have you worked alongside the child several times so that he feels really confident about doing the task?

·        Does he know what the job looks like when it has been done well? Can he check his work and think of ways to make it better or easier next time?

·        Does he have the right tools for the job

·        Have you made it as easy and enjoyable as possible for him to do the task?

·        Have you asked him which jobs he would like to do around the house?

 When I began to write this article I asked my children (one married, one at university and one in sixth form) what their ideas were about getting children to help around the home:

‘Pay them.’

‘Don’t bother – hire a cleaner.’

‘Have a minimalist home.’

‘Eat out all the time.’

‘Wear disposable clothes.’

‘Live in a tent.’

‘Wait till they have a home of their own – somehow they’ll figure out quickly enough how to do the stuff!’

Ok, so they were having a laugh. But then they were more serious:

‘We’re happy to help, but we don’t always see what needs doing because we’re just kids and we don’t see dirt and mess and stuff (sometimes we like it dirty and messy). Don’t wait until you’re all stressed out to ask us, because then you’ll ask us in a stressed-out way and we’ll all get stressed… Be specific and ask us personally and politely, like the way you talk to other grown ups when you need them to help you. And tell us or show us clearly what to do. That’s how you can help us to help you better.’

It’s a good plan. But the best ideas can be subtly undermined. We move house in three week’s time. There are stacks of boxes to pack, a house to clean and lots of things that need mending and taking to pieces.  But none of the ideas in this article will help me one little bit…My youngest son (the only one still living at home) has, with impeccable timing, broken his collar bone…

 Karen Holford

Or Sue Greenleaf or whoever!

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