lifestyle

FEATURE 

Great Career - Great Mum!

 Alison is driving to work. In the back of her car, Sam, the toddler, is munching on a biscuit. That’s his breakfast before he arrives at day-care. Sitting next to Sam is six-year old Sarah, and she’s practicing her words for an assembly at school. Over the front seat is the dry-cleaning that needs to be dropped off in the lunch hour when Alison has to shop for Sam’s birthday party. At work she has to make a major presentation, and she hopes it will all be over by three o’clock, so she can leave and pick up the children on the way home. She needs to be home early because she has to go to parents’ evening at Sarah’s school, as soon as her husband gets home.

 In Britain today, over 50% of mums with pre-school children work outside of the home. For most of them, balancing a career and a family can be continually challenging. It’s easy to feel that you can’t do everything as well as you’d like. Your career seems to suffer when you need to put the family first, and the family seems to suffer when you need to put your career first.

It’s a challenge many mums face. So is it really possible to manage your career and your family, without feeling that you are always letting someone down: your boss, your children, or even yourself?

It’s not easy, and no matter how hard you try there will always be some of those days where everything goes pear-shaped. Days when your child has chicken-pox, your boss desperately needs you to be at work, your mother-in-law who helps in emergencies has gone skiing in the Alps, the dishwasher repair man is due, and your car is having its brakes repaired. Stress happens!

But here are a few secrets from some successful working mums that may inspire and help the rest of us!

 Create a support network

At home – school-age children can do many simple jobs depending on their age and ability. They can even pack their own lunchboxes (does it really matter if their sandwiches aren’t perfectly shaped?), sort laundry, empty the dishwasher, put things away, set the table, empty the bins, feed the cat, sweep the floor, etc. Perhaps they can each have a regular job they do when they come home from school, or for ten minutes after their evening meal.

Can your partner help? What would it be most helpful things for your partner to do for you each day, each week, or just whenever?

Friends can be a great resource – have a short list of three who could look after your child in an emergency. Share children’s birthday parties to halve the cost and the work load. Exchange skills, encourage each other, and find ways to relieve the pressure for each other when your work loads are extra heavy.

Even your employer can be part of your support network. If you can show that you’re willing to be flexible to meet the needs of your workplace, your employer is more likely to be flexible about your family needs, so it’s important to build a positive working relationship with your boss. Flexible working possibilities are one of the best ways employers can help to reduce the stress of their individual workers.

 Show your family that they’re important to you

 Find ways to make each person in your family feel special. Ask them what you do that makes them feel especially loved and do more of whatever they say. A teenager may appreciate a lively text message during the day, your partner might enjoy a personal email, a younger child might like a story at bedtime, or half an hour playing a game with you.

Plan special family events at weekends, and have regular family treats together. This can be going to a show or theme park together, or it could be having a picnic, going out for ice-cream, or renting a video for an evening. It’s helpful if everyone in the family knows that there’s something to look forward to, when you’ll all be together.

Keep talking.

Bedtimes are great times for talking one-to-one with your children. Stagger their bedtimes so that you can have personal time with each one, or perhaps you could share out these talk times with your partner, so that you each get to chat to each of the children several times a week.

Find the space to talk to your partner, if you have one. Take the time to ask about each other’s work, dreams, challenges and hopes, and find ways to encourage and appreciate each other.

Perhaps you could involve your family in choices about your work. Look at your child’s school calendar and ask them to list the three top events that they would like you to attend during the school year. Then keep these days clear and let your employer know that you will not be available at those times.

Simplify your lifestyle

Choose easy-care work clothes and school uniforms so that you don’t have to iron things at the last minute. Use your tumble dryer to get out most of the creases, give clothes a good shake and hang them up straight away.

Keeping your living spaces simple, with plenty of organised storage, helps to cut down on housework. When everyone knows where everything goes, things are more likely to be put away tidily, and it’s easier to do the cleaning. Get rid of everything you no longer need or use. Send it to a charity shop or school jumble sale.

Make a list of favourite, easy-to-cook menus so that when you need to cook in a hurry, you won’t be short of ideas. Show older children how to cook simple pasta dishes so that they can always cook for themselves if they need to. Keep an ‘instant’ special meal in the freezer for when guests drop by.

 Plan ahead

Instead of thinking you need to clean every room every week, give the house a general tidy up, and then give a couple of rooms a week a more thorough clean and sort out.

Perhaps you can begin ordering your shopping on line. It’s time consuming to begin with, but eventually it will become easier and most systems can generate a regular shopping list for you after a few shops, so that you only have to make a few small changes every now and then, or for special events.

Use your lunchtimes, if you can, and shop, exercise, and plan other appointments during your lunch hour to save cutting into evening family times.

Co-ordinate your family diaries regularly so that everyone knows what’s coming up. That way you can plan ahead, avoid last minute panics and everyone knows what’s happening.

 Stay positive

Avoid the guilt trap – mums who work outside the home can end up feeling very guilty, whatever they try to do. This doesn’t really help anyone. Try to notice what a great parent, partner, employee, and friend you are, and look at what you’re doing well rather than the tiny bits that go haywire occasionally.

Think about your life goals. What would you most like to have achieved in five and ten year’s time? What are your hopes for your family, for your children, for you and your partner? Where would you most like to be in terms of your career? What are your priorities and goals in life? What are your values and beliefs that are shaping your goals? What values and beliefs are you passing on to your children?

Think about the benefits of working. There will be those days when you seriously wonder why you even bother going to work! Why not make a list of ways in which your family benefits from your work?

 Take time for yourself

Even though you may have lots of things to try and do each day, take a few minutes out of your schedule just for you. One mum spends an hour in the bath each evening, reading a favourite book; another mum creates hand-made cards for birthdays and Christmas. Helen goes to the gym each day in her lunch-break. Tina tries to have lunch with a friend once a week. Taking care of your own needs is important too. When you feel refreshed, you’ll feel more positive about the rest of your life.

 Karen Holford

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ISSUES  

BAD GIRLS  THE RISE OF FEMALE CRIME                               

by Georgia Dacres

 'Bad girls' are booming.  Girls are choosing to participate in mugging, vandalism, and drug taking shoulder to shoulder with their male counterparts in Britain.  According to a recent United Kingdom survey of 14,000 school children aged 11 to 16 years a significant number of girls are involved in crimes such as shoplifting, vandalism and crimes against property.  The figures suggest that nearly half of these school children admitted becoming casually involved with the culture of wrong doing at some stage in their school years.

 Britain has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe.  Twenty-five per cent of girls interviewed had taken cannabis against thirty per cent of boys.  Five to nine per cent of boys aged 15 and 16 years old had dabbled once with ecstasy.  Similar but smaller ratios were revealed for heroin.

For the first time ever a magistrate has ordered a 12 year old girl to be tagged because of her persistent offences making her Britain's youngest tagged female offender.  Girl gangs maraud British streets matching their masculine counterparts for viciousness.

Work by expert Rosalind Wiseman and her study of 'girl on girl' meanness suggest that the manner of girl aggression is based on feminine social skills which girls mete out, damage reputations and control relationships.  Now modern teenage girls shun traditional feminine attributes in order to achieve peer acceptability in what could be considered masculine exploits.  It seems girls want to be boys.

 Girls can choose their personas to fit their moods like lingerie.  These counter egos range from a cheeky tomboy who forgot to grow up epitomised by national female radio DJ's; the hapless criminal, to the husband beater.  The typical homemaker vision epitomised in the advice to the Biblical Lemuel, which shaped millions of homes in Christendom, is severely challenged.  A wicked woman can be any female who diverts from this norm.  Stereotypically, nails drawn and poison pots primed, their legendary bad deeds are the antithesis of womanhood held by almost every earthly culture.  Just choose your type.

Yet wicked women attract and repulse us simultaneously as the thousands of people who tune into ITV's prison drama Bad Girls will testify.  Here a group of women imprisoned for their misdeeds continue to wreak havoc even after the scales of justice have found them wanting.  And many girls envy the apparent freedom that some 'laddess' TV and radio presenters have in being able to match their pseudo-masculine exploits in being like one of the lads.

 The consequences of such behaviour however, are sweeping.  A casual acquaintance with crime can become a permanent fixation.  In England and Wales just over 4000 women help keep women's prison's bulging in 2002 – a figure that represents an increase that has trebled in the last ten years.  Now the Lord Chief Justice has expressed concerns about using prison as a deterrent for women especially those with families as women run the risk of mental health problems and self-harm and communities face the subsequent fallout.

Girls in the vulnerable stage of adolescence in our society appear to be absorbing influences that they are equal to boys even to the extent of taking on laddish misdemeanours.  But that does not exclude the other factors, which affect girls' lives and harm their development.  Girls can suffer lives shaped by poverty that increases their chances of not finishing their schooling, becoming prematurely involved in sex and joblessness.  Racism affects girls as does sexual abuse and ultimately sexism.

 Globally, women are less likely to be educated, and are more likely to be overworked and underpaid as they balance family life with work.  There is still not a nation that pays women more than men even in this age.  Many women now choose to buck the trend of lower pay by delaying motherhood in order to pursue careers.

 While the working Mum battles with finding childcare and tries to balance work with parenting the bad girl syndrome is growing.  Could it be that too much time without parental guidance is part of the problem?  What influences do the soaps have on a girl's lifestyle?  Does the media send out the wrong images to young impressionable females?  Has the lack of religious morality now produced 'bad girls'?

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HEALTH

By the Age of Two

By the age of two a child’s healthy, or unhealthy, weight and diet is determined but that is not the end of the story. Healthy eating can be established after that age. This is vital as the attitude to life can be greatly influenced by diet.

 It may not be until pimples erupt or they are called fat that a child really starts wanting to look at their diet. Those who feed the children are very much the ones who control how a child turns out. Jamie Oliver’s TV programmes highlighted the necessity of upgrading school dinners. In 2005 the government spent an estimated £342 million on school behaviour improvement programmes for children with behavioural problems but nutrition failed to be included in the study. Yet studies of young prisoners shows there is a link between crime and poor nutrition. One such study is now being held in a Scottish jail with Omega oils being added to the diet of one group as it is thought feeding the brain will help to stop irrational violence.

 “You are what you eat” is an old saying and so is “You dig your grave with your teeth”.  Our children cannot be blamed alone for what they eat as it is the adults in their lives that are responsible for role modelling and providing a good diet.

 To find out more on this topic go to such sites as www.foodforthebrain.org or read books like Optimum Nutrition for your Child’s Mind by P. Holford and D Colson published by Piatikus books Ltd.

 The best diet for any child is not just food, it is emotional support from caring adults. Ill health is often a product of low health esteem or a stressful lifestyle. This is the same for adults and children. Plan today, not only to enjoy a diet of healthy food and love but to share it with others, especially children. It will result in this world being a happier healthier place.

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INSPIRATION 

It WILL be Okay!

Have you ever told someone about difficulties in your life? Have they said ‘don’t worry, it will be okay!’ I don’t know about you; while I appreciate such words of reassurance, my mind cannot help but think ‘yeah, whatever! How can you possibly know that for sure?’

 I recently came across some notes I had jotted down when my daughter became ill just over 9 years ago.  I tend to avoid the ‘standing up in church to deliver a testimony’ thing, not because I do not have anything to testify about, but because I tend to become very emotional ending up an incoherent, tearful wreck.  So, right now in script, I would like to give God all the glory and praise for His calm assurance and to affirm that when God says ‘It will be okay’, it always is! 

 Dionne was the most beautiful baby (I guess I may be slightly biased here!)  At just two weeks of age after refusing an evening feed I felt that things were not as they should be.  I was not sure what to do!   My nursing knowledge mingled with my maternal fears and anxieties rendering me totally indecisive. I felt torn, the nurse in me was trying to be calm and logical, I reasoned, ‘maybe she is colicky again, treat, then re assess later,’ while the mummy in me said ‘panic, call the doctor out… NOW!’  

Let me pause here to thank God for snapping me out of my temporary state of confusion and indecision, enabling me to act sooner rather than later.  I did call my GP who immediately admitted Dionne to the local hospital.  I was actually considering the ‘wait and see’ approach before calling my GP the next morning.  Soon after admission Dionne was plugged into a range of monitors and drips on the Intensive Care Unit having commenced the crucial early doses of antibiotics and other drugs that it was hoped would help her survive bacterial meningitis.  Had I left things overnight, she may have died at home in her cot or the chances of her surviving unscathed would have been greatly reduced.

That night seemed to be the longest of my life.  I had worked on that unit some years before.  Now I was actually living the nightmare I had seen so many parents go through but never fully understood.

 I watched the monitors blink their abnormal readings above her head; I prayed constantly willing her back to normality so I could take her back home to feed her, cuddle her, care for her and watch her grow… just carry on being her mummy as usual.  Her becoming so ill was never part of the plan.  Nappy rash, diarrhoea and vomiting, tumbles and bumps, temperatures, administering doses of sticky medicine, these things I expected and could manage… not this! I was in a state of fear, distress, confusion, total disbelief and emotional pain that seemed so physical.  Dionne had not long arrived and I could not bear to lose her.

 It was at this time that God saw my turmoil and through the darkness of the night He sent the comforter who brought calm and a peace that really does pass all understanding.  It was as if a familiar voice was whispering in my ear “don’t worry; it will be okay.”  Not okay as in Dionne will live and be as she was, I did not have that certainty, but okay as in, even if she does not recover some how, some way, it will be okay!

 While Dionne was ill, I often considered the worst of scenarios. I knew she could die or be left damaged but, the amazing thing was, I also knew that whatever happened God would give me the strength and sustenance needed to deal with the outcome.  He would see me through. The burden of my circumstance was immediately lifted from me and I felt able to face all of the possibilities however devastating without fear, safe in the knowledge that God was in control.  In the middle of my crisis, I felt at peace.  I am convinced that no one or anything else can give such tranquillity when life is thrown into chaos.

 I often wonder how people who do not know God manage in times of difficulty.  Who do they turn to?  Where do they find true comfort and serenity? What keeps them sane?  I know that God kept me from coming undone and the following scriptures were like a balm to me.

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Psalms 26:1

and

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee…” Isaiah 26:3

 God also put a song in my heart.  The words to the hymn ‘My hope is built on nothing less’ kept flowing through my mind particularly on that first night.  The chorus says,

 “On Christ the solid rock I stand all other ground is sinking sand.”

These words are so true! I have family and friends who were a tremendous source of support but they could only do so much.  The doctors and nurses with all their skill and the benefits of increased medical knowledge still have limited abilities.

 I am so happy to say that Dionne made a full and complete recovery. The area on her scalp where they had to shave her hair to site a drip has long since grown back (I still have the lock of hair to remind me).  God saved her and I will always praise and thank him for this. 

 Dionne could have died and I have asked myself ‘if she had, would I still be praising him now?  Would it still be okay?’  All I can say is; the peace and assurance given to me that night was real.  It has remained with me and is renewed with each adversity I encounter.

 In December 2002 I revisited the same unit to kiss my 2 year old nephew goodbye.  He did not survive meningitis.  Six days later my father passed away too.  Sad, mad, bad things do happen in life. I cannot say that I sail serenely through each tempest at all.  I panic, I hurt, I get scared and angry, there are tears, distress and anguish, I am left shaken and bewildered during and in the aftermath of my storms.  However, when God helps me to pause a while, above the roar of circumstances that seem overwhelming, I can hear His still small voice telling me ‘it will be okay’… and you know, somehow, it always is!   

 I praise God for continuing to provide comfort and a solid rock for me when it feels like the ground beneath my feet is crumbling and chaos reigns.  I do consider myself blessed; many go through so much more.  I believe that with God in our lives we can find the calm in our turbulence and be at total peace. 

 This is my testimony (with silent tears of gratitude); I know God is the only sure thing in this worlds.  He is in control and loves us all, so hold your head up, be encouraged, He is working it out for you.  Things will be just fine, it really WILL be okay!

 “Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee.”  Psalm116:7

 Denise Roberts

Leicester Central SDA Church

23^rd July2005

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LOOK, DAD… I CAN SHAVE NOW!

 I recall clearly the day when my sons were 'caught' looking at the mirror to check on the development of the shady corners of their upper lips.  Change was taking place!

 Physical changes during adolescence are real, very real, and they affect all aspects of the developing persons.  Psychological, emotional, and social issues are affected by them.  Let's look at the changes and the implications associated with them.

 It is common to classify physiological change in adolescence into Primary sex characteristics which include the maturation of the male testes and female ovaries and Secondary sex characteristics, which are not directly related to reproduction but are distinct for boys and girls.  The latter may include the appearance of the beard in boys, and breast development in girls.

For boys the onset of sexual development occurs around 11 to 11.5 years.  The enlargement of the testicles and sex organs, the deepening of the voice, facial hair begins around 11 to 11.5 years.

 It is important to note that at the time of the tangible physical changes mentioned above, the brain matures significantly (Kalat, 2000; Landau, 2000), even if it may not reach maturity during the adolescent period.

 The rapid physical growth in adolescence is the responsibility of hormones secreted by the pituitary gland, the gonads or sex organs and the hypothalamus (a small part of the brain).  The best known hormones are testosterone which stimulate the male characteristics, and estrogen which are responsible for the development of the female characteristics.

 So visible changes in stature, enlargement of muscles, voice, face, shoulders, hips, genital organs, etc are both real and unstoppable if all organs function normally.  It is the effect of these changes on behaviour that parents need to understand.

Implications

 Assuming that the kids are normal, there is nothing which you, parents, can do to stop the growth process.  However, it is recommended that parents ensure that diet and sleep habits remain balanced and adequate.  Adolescents tend to enjoy food, but may not choose to eat balanced meals.

 Adolescents enjoy the new strength and muscle control.  Physical activities should be an integral part of their daily activities.  Sports, nature activities such as walks, running, rock climbing, camping, canoeing and rafting are some of the activities most adolescents enjoy.  At no other time during the person's life span is the body so adequate for physical efforts.

Despite all this, it is wise to be aware that the assault by the internet and media games may affect the expressions of physical power and endurance.  Instead, sedentary habits may set in.  Peer pressure is important when the physical characteristics of the child change to those of the adolescent.

 Be alert to unexpected behaviours during adolescence.  Late-maturing boys are often perceived as always seeking attention, tense and childish (Brooks-Gunn, 1988).  Early maturing males may manifest more behaviour problems in school, tend to be truants and delinquent (Anderson and Magnusson, 1910; Duncan et al. 1985).

 Adolescents believe they are "indestructible".  Their own perception of strength, speed and flexibility often pushes them to seek dangerous physical activities.  They may also fall into denial when it comes to having enough sleep.  Fatigue often leads to lack of attention in school.

 If you, as parents, decide the ramifications of the physical change of your adolescents are beyond your own knowledge and capacity to deal with it, seek help from professional counsellors.

Conclusion

 The novelty of physical change and associated prowess and power of the adolescents will affect parents and kids.  It should signal to parents that the "baby booties" need to be replaced with "adult" shoes.  Adjustments have to be made by parents to enhance development, derive benefits from it, and control the stress that so frequently accompany the changes.

Adapted from Look Dad… I Can Shave now! by Alberto Dos Santos, Ed.D., Dean School of Education and Psychology, Southern Adventist University.

LIFESTYLE

Help! We’re infested by teenagers!

 We think we may have teenagers in our house. We’re not exactly sure, but there are a few of those tell-tale signs. Cookie crumbs that appear overnight in strange places; mobile phone chargers hanging out of every plug socket; a freezer overflowing with fifteen different kinds of pizza, twenty three kinds of ice-cream, one kind of burger and four bags of oven chips; a laundry basket where all the clothes are black or denim; and the faint metallic rhythms of music leaking from headphones.

 There are other signs too, like bathroom doors that are nearly always locked, and, when I can get inside, there are three bottles of hair gel on the sink, a distinct aroma of aerosol deodorant, and blue eye-shadow finger prints on the mirror.

 The living room shows even more signs: a drum kit in one corner; a bass guitar in the other; sticky drink cans lurking under the curtains, and popcorn clinging to the sofa cushions.

And there are three bedrooms in our home where no-one can remember what colour the carpets are meant to be because they’ve been hidden for so long under piles of clothes, homework, and CD cases! At least it saves having to vacuum in there!

We have an idea that these teenagers are semi-nocturnal. They seem to go to bed in the middle of the night, and get up in the middle of the day, at least on Sundays, and school holidays. They attempt to communicate in monosyllabic grunts, expecting that when we hear ‘mmmngrummpph’ we will immediately understand that they need a lift to their mate’s house in precisely seven minutes. But when they talk to their friends on our phone bill, they can be eloquent for hours!

 One of the other signs that there are teenagers in the house is when they text our mobile phones from an upstairs bedroom, just to ask when the supper’s going to be ready!

 Examining the evidence carefully, it does seem that our house has definitely been invaded by teenagers. So what do we do now? Since setting pizza-baited traps isn’t really on the menu, it looks as if the teenagers are here to stay, at least for a few years.

 I used to be apprehensive about the idea of teenagers in the home. I heard horror stories about teenagers who scared the neighbours half to death, or who pierced so many body parts you could drain spaghetti through them, or who played music so loud their parents had to leave home to get any peace. Or teenagers who did drugs, had wild parties every time their parents were out and only spoke at home when yelling rude words at their parents.

 But now that we have teenagers of our own, we’re quite enjoying having them around the place. There are even some definite advantages:

 We have resident clothes critics straight from ‘What not to Wear’ to ensure that we never leave the house looking uncool.

We get to inherit their funky clothes and trainers, although I did get some strange looks when I wore my daughter’s old ‘Girls just wanna have fun!’ t-shirt to parents’ evening.

They can cook their own pizza in an emergency. (Did you know pizza is a newly discovered food group all of its own, and teenagers need at least five servings a week, or their growth will be stunted? This is a little known fact that my son assures me he’s been taught in food tech at school.)

We no longer have to pay for baby-sitters, nappies and teething gel.

We don’t have to listen to hours of ‘Thomas the Tank Engine’ videos.

When they come home with seventeen other teenagers for supper, at least we know where they are, and who they’re with.

Driving them to all their activities has significantly increased our knowledge of several local (and some not so local) towns. All the extra petrol puts loads of points on our loyalty cards, and then we get to use them to go out to dinner on our own!

We have some fascinating conversations with them between texts and grunts, usually when they begin to wake up at 11.30pm (and we’re just going to bed)

When it’s their birthday or Christmas we don’t have to spend ages deciding what to buy them, we just hand over the money quietly and let them buy their own presents. They even plan and run their own birthday parties!

I don’t have to mend my son’s clothes any more – he just borrows safety pins to hold the rips together.

At last they actually enjoy coming shopping with us, even for groceries (as long as they get to choose the pizzas that don’t have olives and garlic mushrooms)!

They are very honest with us (Mum, don’t you ever do that again in front of my friends!)

These might not seem the like greatest advantages in the world, but the teenagers are here to stay, at least until they learn how to drive, move to university, or discover that we’ve run out of pizza. They are ours, and even when they drive us crazy, we’ll love them whatever. We just keep on listening when they (occasionally) want to talk, talking when they (occasionally) want to listen, filling the freezer with pizza and the car with petrol, and just generally being there, letting them know we care and love them no matter what they look like or what they get up to,

 And one day, just when they’ve got us all grown up, and house-trained, they’ll leave, and we’ll have lots of peace, eating our favourite garlic mushroom and olive pizzas, and discovering no sticky drink cans behind the curtains, until the next generation of teenagers invades our home, in about twenty years time!

 Karen Holford

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