lifestyle

Letsconnect this month is addressing a serious topic. The case of “baby p”, the Wests, the Soham girls all have in common one word “abuse”. Whether it is against babies or adults of course it is wrong. The Home Office minister, Lord  West, recently said “ Domestic violence  is a devastating crime which impacts across all communities.” In response to this there is a new ruling that even in acquitted cases of violent crimes a restraining order can be placed against a partner who is the perpetrator. A five year sentence will be given to those who break the term.

 I am letting the voices of those within Christian communities speak up and out against abuse. Historically it has been these people who have been active in caring for such victims. Today we need to do more than that we must be proactive. This means doing something to prevent abuse happening.

My church, the Seventh Day Adventist, has with the Churches child protection advisory service, www.ccpas.co.uk, put in place the policy “Keeping the church family safe”. More recently a policy has been implemented to support those in leadership who are struggling with domestic violence and sexual harassment – www.adventist.org.uk, go to news, Messenger 21^st August 2009 volume 114.17. We run training seminars, a counselling service [see Potpourri for contact numbers] and an annual awareness day -  see Inspiration page.

 In producing this edition I am hoping you too will be encouraged to not only speak out against all types of abuse but do something to stop it. For more information go to our previous section and look under Sept 2008 and also to this months Potpourri.

FEATURE 

Helping victims of violence

 We live in a violent world. Violence is in more places than we like to think. It’s on the street corner. It’s in the police station. It’s in the hospital, and in the school, and it’s even in our homes.

 Most of us find violence unacceptable. We walk around it. Pretend it doesn’t exist, keep quiet about it, and hope that it will go away, or at least, not come too close.

 Violence comes in all kinds of ways. There is domestic violence in the home between husband and wife, or between parents and children. There is ethnic violence between races and tribes. Rape is physically intimate violence towards women; and there are also robberies, muggings, and physical attacks, such as stabbing, fighting and shooting. There are even attacks on elderly and disabled people.

 It’s not pleasant to consider violence or to be with someone who has suffered violence, but we need to know how we can support them best. If we don’t know how to help, then the victims of violence all around us will become the victims of our own ignorance and insensitivity. Many times a victim has been misunderstood, made to feel guilty, or hurt badly by their friends and families. Or a victim who is looking for a safe place, some comfort, some hope, and some understanding, has been let down by a friend and that can be a greater hurt than the initial offence

Mark – violence in the street

Mark was walking home one night. He’d been working late, and it was already dark. About halfway home he had to walk between two buildings, down a narrow path. As he reached the end of the passageway two men jumped on him, yelling and screaming. They pulled him to the ground and trod on his face. At least one of them had a knife. They took his bag and kicked him several more times before leaving him.

 Mark was dazed and bleeding as he struggled to find his way home. Fortunately none of his wounds were too severe, and after a few weeks his face had healed. But Mark had other problems. He didn’t like staying late at work any more, but his family needed the money. He was afraid to walk at night, and he was afraid of narrow passageways. He was nervous as he walked down the street, afraid that someone else might attack him, or that his attackers would recognize him and treat him worse a second time. He would wake in the night after dreaming that he was being kicked, and lie there shaking with fear.

One night Mark’s wife woke up and found him next to her, shaking with fear. She asked him what was happening and he explained about the way he’d been feeling since the attack. She listened to his feelings and his fears and held his hand as he spoke to show that she cared about him. She told him that they could manage without his extra work hours for a few weeks. She agreed to walk with him to work and back, and she asked him how she could help another time when he woke in the night. Mark said it would be helpful to him if he could hold her hand, as he just needed to know he wasn’t alone.

 After a few months the fears faded with the memories.

 Joanne – violence in the home

Joanne had a different story. Her attack was where she least expected it, in her home. At first her husband had seemed to treat her very well, and she was very content in her marriage. But after she had her first child, her husband seemed to be jealous and suspicious about her. If she did the slightest thing wrong, he would hit her. If she stayed away from the home too long, or if the dinner didn’t taste good, or his clothes had a mark on them, he would suddenly become uncontrollably angry. Once he pushed her hard up against a wall. Once he threw her to the ground. Mostly he tried to make sure that he hurt her where it wouldn’t show.

 Joanne didn’t know what to do. She told herself it was all her fault. Ben wouldn’t do these things if she were a better wife. She tried harder to make everything perfect, to cook better food, to stay at home more, and to keep the baby quiet. But, however hard she tried Ben still found something wrong. Often he would just be very angry with her, but once a week or so he would be physically violent.

 Joanne says, ‘I didn’t know what to do. If I told anyone, I knew he would be even angrier, and I was afraid he’d kill me, or hurt the children. I had no where I could go to get away from him, and, if I left him, I thought he would just come after us and hurt us even worse.’ Joanne stayed with Ben, trying to please him. She lived in fear at home, but when she went out she had to pretend everything was safe and happy.

 One day, when the children saw Ben coming home they yelled out, ‘quick, Mommy, hide in here and we’ll protect you from Daddy. Joanne had accepted the violence quietly when she thought that she was the only one suffering, but when she realized that the children were growing up afraid, and feeling that they had to protect her, then she knew something had to change.

 Homes need to be safe places for everyone. Every time a child sees one parent being violent towards the other, the child suffers. Often a child who sees his father being violent to his mother will one day be violent towards his own spouse. This is a cycle that needs to be broken. But it’s not easy.

 One day Joanne’s mother came to see her just after Ben had been violent. Joanne was still sitting on the floor, dazed and shaking. A large pot lay smashed on the floor. The smallest child was clinging to her skirt and crying. Fortunately for Joanne her mother guessed her story and helped her to leave the home, with the children.

 Joanne had to learn that it wasn’t her fault that Ben hit her. No matter how perfect she was, he would find something to be angry about. By trying to please him all the time, hoping he would stop, and covering her wounds, she helped Ben to feel that he wasn’t really to blame, and that what he did wasn’t that serious. Joanne also realized that it wasn’t fair for the children to suffer by being kept in a violent home.

 It wasn’t easy. Joanne’s family helped her to go away for a while to stay with a relative. No one told Ben where she was. She needed to go there to recover and feel safe. Joanne’s father had a long talk with Ben, and tried to hep him admit that he had a problem. Her dad encouraged Ben to have compassion for his wife and children, and to find other ways to be angry. He helped Ben to see that he could be quite controlled with other people, and so he could also be more controlled with his wife. In everything Joanne’s dad showed respect to Ben, to help him maintain his dignity.

 After a while, Joanne came home with the children. She was stronger and more able to cope with Ben. Ben also wanted to learn a better way. He’d been brought up in a violent home, and in his heart he didn’t want his children or Joanne to suffer like he had. It wasn’t going to be easy. But Joanne told him that if he ever hurt her or the children, she would leave again, and her parents offered to help support her if necessary, because they cared for her.

 Helping a victim of violence

It’s not necessary to experience violence ourselves in order to help someone through a frightening time.

·        Open your mind and our heart to those who have been victims.

·        Listen to their story.

·        Be there with them when they feel frightened and vulnerable.

·        Help them know that they don’t have to cope alone.

·        Be a friend who will be there when they hurt and who will stay with them, whenever they need your support.

·        If they need medical, legal or financial assistance, help them to find the right people to help them.

·        Do what you can to help them feel safe.

Is there anyone you know who has been a victim of violence of any kind?

How are they coping?

Who is supporting them?

Is there anything else you could do to make their recovery easier?

Don’t let them be a victim twice over.

 (Insets)

If we continue to turn away from the victims of violence, if we continue to hurt them with our insensitivity and thoughtless words, then we will continue to make them victims of the violence they have experienced.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. 1 John 4:18.

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ISSUES  

 Through a Rapist's Eyes (No Joke)
 
 A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:
 1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle
 They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed
 They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair Women with short  hair are not common targets
 2) The second thing men look for is clothing They will look for women  whose clothing is easy to remove quickly Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing
 3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off  guard and  can be easily overpowered
4) The time of day men are most likely to attack and rape a woman is in the early morning, between 5 and 8:30 am
 5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked at is grocery store parking lots Number two is office parking lots/garages Number three is public restrooms
 6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don't have to worry about getting caught
 7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years
 8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming
 9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other
 similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands
 Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon  So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it
 10) Several defence mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk, I can't believe it is so cold out here, we're in for a bad winter Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up, you lose appeal as a target
 11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back Again, they are looking for an EASY target
 12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes), yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent
 13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by  outsmarting them If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm, between the elbow and armpit or in  the upper  inner thigh-HARD One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset  she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands - the guy needed stitches Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts
 14) After the initial hit, always go for the groin I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble Start causing trouble, and he's out of there
 15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly
 16) Of course the things we always hear still apply Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behaviour, don't dismiss it, and go with your instincts You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble

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HEALTH

1.      Submission – a passive acceptance.

2.      Denial – a conscious forgetting.

3.      Hostile reaction – instant retaliation.

4.      Revenge – intentionally planning vengeance.

5.      Resentment – retaining feelings of anger and remembering the wrong.

6.      Explanation – confronting the other person so as to overcome discord.

7.      Forgiveness – it is more than communication, it is reaching an understanding of the cause.

8.      Reconciliation – this includes explanation and forgiveness but adds the intention of reviving a good relationship.

 By studying people of different ages, gender, marital status, beliefs and origins this study showed that these eight characteristic responses formed three basic groups of behaviour:

 §         The first included submission and denial.

§         The second response group corresponded to behaviours of hostility, revenge, resentment where upsets sometimes resulted in outbursts of anger.

§         Thirdly, the responses are channelled through dialogue and negotiation, actively seeking to seek reconciliation.

 Long before any clinical studies had been done on the impact of abusive behaviour Jesus knew that the solution lay in taking these experiences to the creator of humanity, the heavenly Father.  He shared this solution with his disciples and the formula is known as the Lord's Prayer.  "Forgive us our debts as we also have forgiven our debtors," Matthew 11 verse 12.  Here the word "debt" is one of five Greek words for sin "ophidian" which means a failure to pay that which is due.  The literal meaning of this phrase is "forgive us our sins in proportion as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us."  Jesus gives an example of this in the parable of the unmerciful servant, Matthew 18 verses 23-35.  He graphically tells how the king forgave his servant a debt he could never ever repay but the servant could not forgive a fellow servant a small debt.  The king’s response was to give no mercy to the unforgiving servant.  Jesus concludes, "This is how our heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart."

 Why should Jesus who is often pictured as being "gentle, meek and mild" be so insistent over the matter of forgiveness?  Our designer creator understands only too well the importance of the need of the physical human system to be cleansed of resentment.  Multiple scientific studies back up the findings at the South American Adventist College which concluded that those in the first of the three response groups who showed denial and submission and those in the second group who responded in violent hostile outbursts were most likely to experience physical and mental health disorders.  Literature on this issue reveals that those who bottle up their emotions are most susceptible to cancer.  The violent explosive releases of anger can cause such illnesses such as heart attacks and other heart disorders.  These people also had a tendency towards suicide.  On the other hand those in the third group who sought explanation, forgiveness and reconciliation were more likely to have religious beliefs.  The resulting better health of this group is exactly as outlined in James' epistle chapter 5 and verse 16 "Therefore confess your sins (debts) to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

 There are terrible atrocities happening every second by powerful “others".  How can sex slaves, emotionally damaged children or tortured prisoners be expected to do as Jesus expects “forgive your debtors”?  Could it be that he could ask this because he knew it was possible?  Not instant but possible.  Not automatic but possible.  Not humanly possible but divinely possible.  You see these words are couched in the context of prayer where the human heart is reaching up to divine.  Here is one person's experience of such a prayer.

 "I lay in bed with my mind replaying the emotional hurts I had experienced and found I could not forgive the person who had done this to me.  'I cannot forget let alone forgive such behaviour,' my mind cried out to God.  'I simply cannot forgive; I know I should.'  Instantly God answered my challenge saying, 'I know you cannot forgive, it is not humanly possible but turn your eyes upon Jesus as he hangs on the cross carrying your debts.'  At that moment I saw my own sinfulness and asked his forgiveness for all my debts.  Again I shared my inability to utter words of forgiveness to the one who has so abused me.  Once again God drew near and spoke.  'I know you cannot forgive but I can say the words for you.'  'Oh yes Lord,' I replied, 'say them for me.'  'Father forgive them,' I heard Jesus say from the cross.  Peace finally came after years of hurt and that night at five o’clock I fell into a deep sleep."

 In the article from Vibrant life issue one 2001 Forgiveness; A Key to Better Health, Allison Kitchen confirms that forgiveness is not usually a single act but starts off as a decision to allow the possibility of forgiveness to happen  .'This decision leads to freedom from the effects of hurt and abuse,' states Ran Schmitz a Christian physiologist.  It is this decision that enables those imprisoned by life's hurts to go on a journey through the five steps of forgiveness.

 1.      Recognise the true depth of an injury.  Overlooking the magnitude of the hurt is a stumbling block to forgiveness.

2.      Grieve over your losses.  Feel the depth of the pain, let it surface.

3.      Examine how your perception of life has been infracted by this injury.  Often faulty core beliefs result in unhealthy patterns of judgment.

 Schmitz has found these first stages take time.  Forgiveness is not an overnight act.  Often it takes a series of choices and steps.  The heart may take a while before it catches up with the head and can go on these next steps.

 4.      Learn empathy skills.  Recognise the abuser is a human being with their problems, pain and tears which lead to them making choices that were hurtful to others.  Yes, this is the hardest step to take but the most critical in terms of generating genuine forgiveness.

5.      Challenge prevalent myths about forgiveness such as relationships must be completely restored or you will stop being angry about a sinful act. 

These five steps lay a foundation to the final work of forgiveness, as they involve recognising that vengeance belongs to God.  Holding on to anger will lead to further damage to oneself.  Forgiveness is not humanly possible it must be through Jesus.  The choice must be made to stop thinking destructive memories and to replace them with positive ideas.  Ask others for help and pray that God will give strength and the power to forgiveness to become a part of your attitude towards life.

 You should never pressure anyone to feel guilty because they find it hard to forgive. It might be helpful to share that forgiveness does not condone the abuse. Abuse is wrong. The perpetrators actions will always be wrong. The hurt experienced is wrong. No one deserves to be treated so wrongly.  They might not have been able to control the abuse but they can stop the detrimental effects of hatred.

 Forgiveness exchanges anger, bitterness, hatred, depression and health problems for a peaceful night's sleep.  This is what our God wants for us and that is what He makes possible when we pray "Father, forgive us our debts as forgive our debtors."

 Heather Haworth

Family Ministries Department

 For more material on this topic contact your Family Ministries department for previous years' material published for the Annual Abuse Prevention Sabbaths.

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INSPIRATION 

The Absence of Love

 The sound of the party was irresistible. Laughter, voices, more laughter, then the quiet voice of someone telling a story. As she pressed her face close to the door, she could smell the aroma of delicious food being served, food fit for a king. She was certain of that because her sister was the one in charge of catering.

 With her heart pounding she resolved, “I am going in there! I also will be a part of this celebration, I want to honour this man!”

 Quietly, she crept through the door and made her way behind the honoured guest. Quickly, she opened her treasured perfume and then did the unthinkable. Reaching out, she dared to put some on His head. She then dropped to her knees while uncontrollable tears of love and joy streamed down her cheeks unto His feet. She poured the perfume on His feet and used her hair to wipe them.

 But alas, all did not go as planned. It’s possible that it was her intent to quickly disappear after paying homage; yet, the fragrance of the perfume drew everyone’s attention. Of course it would; she was in a room full of only men—perfume did not belong there! Then, in the most abusive tone the spiritual leaders reacted to this demonstration of love with criticism and rebuke, the evidence of the absence of love.

  This incident was of such importance to the gospel message that it is found in all of the synoptic gospels. I invite you to read all four accounts when you are able; the references are: Matthew 26:6-13, Mark 14; 1-9, Luke 7:36-50, John 12:1-8.

 As we notice, Jesus did not offer rebuke or scolding for what could have been interpreted as a “suggestive” act by a woman whose reputation was that of a prostitute. Instead, all He saw was a precious young woman who had nothing but love that she so much wanted to give.

 It did not matter to Him that she was going against the dictates of her culture where a woman was not allowed to talk with a man in public other than her husband, or that it was improper for her to be in a room with men other than her husband and sons.

 Neither did it matter to Him that it might be interpreted that the act of letting down her hair in the presence of men confirmed what was already in their minds—that she was a woman of the night. All that mattered to Jesus was that here was a person He loved and whom He came to save.

 She came to a religious community, a community that was the symbol of holiness, happiness, kindness, patience, gentleness, unconditional acceptance and love. Yet, what did she encounter, abuse by the way of criticism, judging, condemning, controlling, discrimination, and scorn.

  Is it possible that these individuals, if they were confronted with the fact that they were abusive would likely excuse their behaviour by saying “Oh no, we were only protecting our traditions, our guest, our reputation, or our church.”

 Quite often an abusive person will justify their actions or reactions saying, “I am doing or saying this because I know what is best for you.”  Friends, as long as someone is being hurt there is no justification for abuse regardless of culture, age or ethnicity and that is why Jesus said, in defence of the woman, “Leave her alone.”

Let’s take a closer look at the people who were at this party. They were the religious leaders, the disciples, and the fathers who were the heads of households. These individuals represented the home, the community, and the church.

 I invite you to look around at our church this morning. Each of us represent the home, the community, and ultimately we make up the church. We are the church.

 And so we need to ask ourselves the big question. “Is there also an absence of love in my family? Is there an absence of love in my community? Is there an absence of love in my church? Do we as a church condone and foster an absence of love?

 What kind of picture do we get when there is an absence of love?

 Brother and Sister Grey were the backbone of the church. He was an elder and she was also very active in church. Their children modeled perfect behavior, sitting quietly through the entire church service. But every Sabbath, as soon as the evening service was over, father Grey would take some of the children behind the church and give them a whipping. Why? Because they had at some time during the Sabbath “misbehaved.”  What a negative picture of God and the church these children developed!

 Children receive their concept of God and love as a result of how they are treated by significant adults in their lives. These adults, who are generally their parents, represent God and love to them. Consequently, if the method used to discipline a child is with hitting, punching, slapping, pinching, verbal abuse, withholding food, or denying medical attention, it will be difficult for that child to understand love and trust.

 Why are we using this precious time allotted for a sermon to address this issue of abuse?

 Because this is a very important issue to God. He made us to receive and give love. Abuse in any and all forms interferes with this process of giving and receiving love. The heart of the Gospel is for each of us to recognize and realize God’s love. Abuse is not love; it is the absence of love. Abuse wounds and hurts. And so we feel commissioned to address this issue of abuse even on the Sabbath because the Bible writers addressed it in several references:

 Let’s look at Psalms 11:5

“The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked and those who love violence His soul hates.”

 This is strong language! The soul of God hates those who love violence.   What does it mean to hate? Synonym for hate is abhorrence, revulsion, disgust, and extreme dislike. We can safely say God abhors or is disgusted with violence of every shape or form whether it is in the home, church, or community. Let’s look at another text that highlights domestic abuse and violence.

 Malachi 2:16 “I hate divorce,” says the Lord God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the Lord Almighty.

 And what generally is the cause of violence? James 4:1 has the answer: “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?

 And what are these desires? Verse 3 explains, “When you ask, you do not receive because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your own pleasures.”

 By all appearances it seems that James is implying that violence in all forms is generated out of the motive of selfishness. Selfishness is a desire to satisfy whatever urge we may have at the expense of someone else. That person could be a helpless dependent child, a teenager, a spouse, or a senior citizen. These desires can range from sexual to the desire to control and dominate. We need to remember that both male and female can be guilty of selfishness, which causes violence and abuse.

 We think of an angry person as one who tends to display fits of violence, someone with a bad temper. That is one description. But anger also shows itself in other forms.

 How about a controlling, critical, unbending individual. This person may always seem to “be in control” but really, are they? Such an individual, even if he or she does not fly off in a rage is also displaying selfishness.

 Ok! God addressed abuse and domestic violence in the Bible. Is that not enough?

We wish it were, and that we could safely say that we are free from the effects of abuse. We must remember that we, the church, are also a part of the community. What happens in the community is reflected in the church. Ardis Stenbakken, Women’s Ministries Director for the General Conference, reported the following statistics:

 World-wide: One out of every three women has been abused in some form.

 In England and Wales: one out of every four murder victims are wives killed by husbands.

In Latin America and the Caribbean: six out of ten women have suffered physical or psychological abuse by their intimate partner.

 In Paupa New Guinea: 67% of wives report they suffer marital violence.

 In Egypt, Jamaica, and Greece: one out of every five divorces is granted on grounds of spousal cruelty.

 In Canada: domestic violence costs the country $1.6 billion per year.

 In the United States, 200 women are raped or battered per hour.

 Given these frightening statistics, would we even wonder if this is not an issue to concern us? Yes friends, it is very sad to realize that abuse of all forms is also in our homes and our churches.

 One of the most tender and touching scenes of Jesus’ ministry is recorded in Matthew 18: 5-6, 10. The disciples were in a political battle, vying for status. It must have been a surprise to these aspiring disciples when Jesus called a helpless little child, and using the child as an icon of importance in God’s Kingdom declared,

 “Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me.”

 Jesus could have stopped at this but He did not. He saw that it was of great importance to add,

 “But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”

 And in verse 10 He emphasizes,

 “See that you do not look down on one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven.”

 He went on to tell the story of a man who had one hundred sheep and one wondered away and got lost. He then asks in verse 12 “

 “Will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wondered off?

 Then He concluded in verse 14,

 “In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should be lost.

 What a picture! God is not willing for any of our children to be lost.

Adults, let’s pause a moment to look at the children who are here with us. Would you agree that the right of every child here is to live in a safe, happy, and healthy environment? An environment where they would learn to love and trust? An environment where they would develop socially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually?

 Do we all agree that these are the God given rights of every child?

 If you were given the responsibility of choosing to deny one of these little ones the right to health and happiness, which child would you choose? I know I could not make that choice, could you? Yet, Jesus is saying, if anyone here is responsible to cause one of these children to be in a situation where they will be forced to sin, that person is in big trouble with God.

 How can we cause a child to sin? There are several ways where we as adults are directly responsible for the choices a child makes. Setting a bad example is one form of causing a child to sin. This is because we cannot teach values. Children catch our values by watching how we live, how we react and act. They are able to discern when our words do not match up to our actions. In other words, when we are not genuine and honest.

 Emotional, sexual, physical, and spiritual abuse also causes a child to sin because abuse defaces the image of God. A person who has suffered abuse grows up with a confused image of God and of self. They grow up feeling dirty, used, unattractive, and overall having a very low feeling of self worth. Generally, as adults they have difficulty realizing and recognizing what wholesome, real love is about and often they feel that they don’t deserve love.

 A book on abuse tell us:

 When children are neglected or their needs go unmet, or when they are damaged early in life, often they cease to develop emotionally at the same pace as they do physically. While the body and its functions mature, the emotions cease their progress. A physical adult can easily be an emotional child.¹  

 Abuse is certainly the devil’s tools to cripple and dwarf the emotional growth and development of children.

 When children suffer abuse what are they learning? They are learning that the only way to resolve problems or conflicts is with abusive behavior. In the case of sexual abuse, the children internalize that the only way they can show love is through sexual contacts.

 Therefore, abuse is cyclical and carries through from one generation to another. Children witnessing violence and abuse learn to deal with conflict violently—it is modelled as an acceptable way to live. Later in life they will generally become either a victim or an abuser. This creates a perpetuating cycle of abuse to the next generation.

 Furthermore, the Massachusetts Department of Youth Services reports that children brought up in violent homes are 74% more likely to commit criminal assaults. And the New Jersey Department of Community Affairs, Division on Women noted that 81% of men who physically abuse had fathers who abused their mothers.

 Abuse comes in many ways. One is verbal abuse, where a person is constantly put down and criticized, scolded, and embarrassed in public and before their friends. They are called names and made fun of constantly. They are called derogative terms such as you are ugly, you are dumb, stupid, fat, etc. This is also a very serious form of abuse.

 There are situations where a child is separated from his or her parents for an extended period, or when a child is moved around from one caregiver to another; that child is deprived of the ability to bond to a significant person in his or her life. Children are not able to understand neglect, violence, hurt or pain.

 As we focus on this issue, it is important to take the time to ask ourselves some very hard questions, “Am I an angry person? Do I use anger as a shield to cover my deep feelings of unmet emotional needs? Are there individuals in the home, at work or church who are scared of me?”

 Do I have to have things happen my way; do I tend to be in control no matter what? Do I get upset when others do not agree with me? Has anyone ever told me that I am an angry or selfish or controlling person? It is very difficult for us to see ourselves, to evaluate our actions and motives. Many times we are guilty of doing wrong and we are not aware of it. This is why we may want to follow David’s example and make Psalm 139:23-24 a daily prayer:

 Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting.

 If this is my prayer, God will answer and show me if and when I am guilty of some form of abuse. If we are honest with ourselves we will admit that at some time of our lives, we have or presently are guilty of inflicting hurt and pain on a loved one, that there is an absence of love in our life.

 If we are truly serious about how we relate to God and others relative to this abuse issue, let me suggest that you take some very important steps.

 The first step is to acknowledge to yourself and God that you have been abusive or controlling in any form. Abuse is a sin against God. Then ask for His forgiveness.

 The next step is to go to your spouse or whomever has been abused and ask for his or her forgiveness. Set a time to have a heart to heart talk when the children are not present. Take time to discuss how you feel about your relationship. Then talk with the children. It is always the parents or adults responsibility to create an atmosphere where communication can take place, where the children can freely and safely tell parents how they feel. It is the parent’s responsibility to do everything in their power to encourage this type of open communication with their children. It may be necessary to have someone outside help in trying to establish this avenue of communication.   

 It may be that the abuse issues are so deep and dark that professional help is necessary. The issue of sexual abuse and domestic violence is an issue that needs the proper help from a qualified individual. If that is the case, it is a God given responsibility to seek help from a medical doctor or a qualified professional counsellor.

 It is also the responsibility of leaders in the church to create an atmosphere where open communication can be encouraged between leadership and all age groups. This is the key to healthy growth and development of every home and every congregation. An atmosphere where everyone feels as if they are heard and understood, not just patronized and tolerated.

 Abuse is not limited to only adults to children. Many young people are abusive to each other even when they are in a dating relationship. If you find that your boyfriend or girlfriend, or your fiancé displays abusive traits, if you are always put down, hit, punched, threatened, or feel controlled, these are warning signs that the relationship is not healthy. It is very important that you seek help and council before getting to the stage of marriage.

  We must always remember that God hates violence but He loves the violent or abusive person and His reason for sending Jesus to die is to save that person from their violent, controlling, angry, depraved behaviour.

 There is hope. With a change of heart comes a change of attitude and even if the process of change includes professional help, God wants to use these methods to change us because God’s soul hates violence. He is a God of love. The mission and gospel of Jesus is to help us to understand that God loves us and wants to save us regardless of all the sins that we have committed. His love for us drove Him to die to save us that we, in turn, would show others through our actions and reactions what His love looks like and feels like. Therefore His command to us is that we must love each other as He has loved us.

 The next step in healing is searching for help. Read books on the subject. You can get books from your Christian or local bookstore. Or if possible, find a Christian counsellor who will help you through the problem.

 For more in-depth information regarding the different forms of abuse, you will be given a handout at the end of this service. Friends, whatever it takes, God has given us the responsibility to get help.

 If you know of abuse that is happening in the home of another member or friend, it is our responsibility to do all we can to intervene. Abuse is the church’s responsibility. We are just as guilty as the abuser if we turn a blind eye and refuse to acknowledge that this is happening. It is a sin to do so. God is pleading with each of us to do our part in addressing this awful problem.

 “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.” Proverbs 31:8-9

 It is a sacred responsibility to address this issue of abuse and violence in the home and in the church. Today, I am inviting you to commit with me to make this a matter of heart searching and prayer.

 Pray for God to search each heart to discover if we have or are presently an abuser, whether it is sexual, physical, emotional, or spiritual.  And if we are, to be honest enough to seek God’s forgiveness and to get help. Repentance and reformation begins with each of us; it must begin with me.

 In Malachi 4:5-6 God expresses His desire that the hearts of the fathers should be turned to their children and the hearts of the children to their fathers.

 Can we commit that today be the beginning of the turning of hearts in the home, between fathers and mothers, between children and parents, between members of our extended family, between members of our congregation? If this your desire, let us stand for a prayer of commitment.

    Suggested prayer:

Dear God, at this moment we praise you for the love gift in the Person of Jesus who gave His all to show us real love. Thank You for this gift. Because of His gift we ask for Your forgiveness for the many times we have defaced this love by being abusive to those who were looking to us for love and kindness. Search each of our hearts, and help us to discern our motives for each action. We seek your leading in our lives. Please teach us to love each other as You have loved us. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

  ¹Belonging. Nancy and Ron Rockey, Kay Kuzma. Pacific Press, (1999), p. 76

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Beating Up My Spouse

By Paul Petersen, Field Secretary, SPD

 In my home country Greenland, we share the classical joke question, “Have you stopped beating your wife?” There is no right answer to that in my culture, either “Yes” or “No” you are in trouble. I remember as a boy it was not fun when were told not to hit a girl. Girls could scratch with their nails, or even bite and I was a poor defenceless male.

            Later we received strange news from Nuuk, the capital of Greenland, the world’s largest and very icy island, where one of my friends was working.  A number of house disagreements ended up with the wife being brought in for violent assault on the husband.  How funny.  Women beating men!

            Unfortunately reality is no joke.  Violence and abuse in the home is a horrible thing. Once love ruled, now only fear may be left.  Originally drawn to each other by sentiments of love, man and woman are now emotionally entangled by a common emotional history of violence, retribution and increasingly more futile attempts at reconciliation.  Children grow up with violence as the predominant model of response to any crisis.

            It is part of my nature as a selfish human being that I try to justify my actions after the fact.  Various cultures may use what is perceived as acceptable excuses for aberrant behaviour.  It is also very much a part of the nature of any religious person within a Christian culture to attempt to excuse selfish actions by appealing to the Bible, the accepted authority.  Therefore, people at times justify abuse and violence by use of biblical texts.  My wife is to submit, it is claimed with reference to Ephesians 5:22.  And does not submission indicate that I as a male am to educate, teach, and even correct my submissive wife?  To put her in the right place?  And do we not throughout the Bible observe the fact that man is in charge?  Just look at the divine laws given to Moses.

            Does the Bible address the issue of violence and abuse in the home?  Is it anywhere in the Holy Writings implied whether a spouse is allowed to beat the spouse or not?  The fact is that neither the Old nor the New Testament is silent on this issue, and their teachings are coherent and consistent.

 Old Testament Culture and Laws

            There is no question that the cultures in which the Bible was produced was male dominated, and that women at times had very little if any legal rights and very often were abused.  But let us get it right.  Historical fact is not ethical necessity.  Historical description does not imply divine prescription.

            The divine laws shared through Moses were in many ways protective of the weaker groups in society, trying to safeguard the widow, the orphan, and the poor against the consequence of evils that were already practised.  God never condoned slavery, yet knowing that it was a fact, He gave laws that would give some protection against even wider abuse (such as Exodus 21:7-11 and Deut 21:10-14).  Ideally God never wanted divorce, but as men sent the wives away anyway, God sought to protect the women against extreme abuse and secure their right to remarriage and social safety by providing the law of a divorce certificate (Deut 24:1-4).  Compared with all laws known from the cultures of the Ancient Near East, this law was unique in its attempt to protect the women.  God recognised reality, and He spoke into the particular culture of the day to establish the best possible laws under the circumstances.

            Furthermore, it is necessary to be aware of the fact that the Old Testament laws were customary laws.  Most of them were orally transmitted.  Those written down were either unique examples in conflict with tradition, or they were extreme cases that would serve as examples for similar, less extreme situations. 

            This background helps us to realise the scope and consequences of some of the laws that are otherwise less understood.  If, for instance, a man hurt his slave, whether male or female, by striking the slave, that slave was to be set free (Exodus 21:26-27).  This was an extreme situation.  The slave was the socially lowest ranking person in the household.  The Jews naturally understood the law to imply that the man certainly was not allowed to beat his wife either.  Or look at the law in Exodus 21:8-11.  It protects a slave wife who may end up even being the second wife in a household.  The man is required to supply her with the three basics of food, clothing, and conjugal rights/nuptial bliss.  If that is the case for someone standing in the lowest position, certainly it applies to every spouse.

            In the Jewish culture, this law became part of the basis for decisions regarding marriages.  At the time of Jesus, all Rabbinical courts agreed that any man was obliged to share these three basics with his spouse.  The woman was not allowed by law to seek divorce (that was the prerogative of the man), yet if the man did not provide these needs, she could go to the courts which would order the husband to comply and fine him if he did not.  The fines were of a size that would force the man either to treat the wife decently or to divorce her so that she had the freedom to remarry.

 New Testament Culture and Law

            Jesus never addressed some of these laws mentioned previously, but He was asked to take side in another legal battle fought between the various Rabbinical schools of his day.  He took the stand (cf. Matt 19:3-10) that man was not allowed to send his wife away for just any reason.  Moreover, he emphasised the original ideal.  God never intended marriages to break up. 

            Yet, in reality it happens.  Did Jesus ever say how to live with each other in such a way that the marriage will survive life’s challenges?  He certainly did.  The injunction of Jesus to love the enemy provides a basis.  This is another example of an extreme case.  If we are to turn the other cheek (Matt 5:39), certainly it is implied that we are not to beat our spouse, the one who is closest to us.  Jesus does not by His saying require you to hit your spouse at least twice, that is, on both cheeks; rather he demands you not to use violence at all.  Living together in mutual love will keep the marriage intact.

            Or look at the fruit of Spirit as described by Paul in Galatians 5:22-23.  It consists of love, joy, peace, and also kindness, gentleness and self-control.  To beat up my spouse is not compatible with these values.

            Let no one fool himself.  The Bible nowhere justifies abuse and violence towards other people.  It does not when it comes to my enemies.  It does not when it comes to those who are closest to us.  Don’t abuse the Bible that way.

            The problem of violence in the home is a tragic reality.  We need to recognise it for what it is and avoid any attempt to use the Bible to justify evil.  God wants to help anyone who is entangled in such a situation.  God does not want the love to die and marriages to crumple.  Many good Christian counsellors are educated to help couples who are victims of such a situation.  What the Bible teaches on the topic is clear and self evident.

LIFESTYLE

7 MYTHS & FACTS about Domestic Violence

“Where is the Love?”

 Myth 1                        Domestic violence doesn’t happen very often.

 Fact                             Domestic violence occurs  in one in four to five marriages or de-facto relationships and includes all Christian groups.

 Myth 2                        Domestic violence is a lower-class phenomenon.

 Fact                             Studies indicate that domestic violence is a problem that transcends boundaries of class.

 Myth 3                        Domestic violence only happens amongst particular ethnic groups.

 Fact                             Domestic  violence occurs in all groups.  In one country in the first year of its operation, 1986, the Domestic Violence Advocacy Service had calls from women from 50 different countries.

 Myth 4                        Alcohol causes domestic violence.

 Fact                             Alcohol often triggers violence, but it is seldom the cause.  In over 50% of cases reported to the police, the abuser was sober.

 Myth 5                         Women who are victims of domestic violence deserve it.  They must provoke him.

 Fact                              There is no excuse for violence and in any case, many women report being hit from behind, with no warning.

 Myth 6                         Women who are victims of domestic violence must be crazy or neurotic or they must like it otherwise they would leave.

 Facts                            Studies show that the victims are normal – some may have had to adopt disturbed behaviours to survive in intolerable situations – just as others have done when tortured.

 Myth 7                         Men who are violent towards their partners are psychopaths.

 Facts                            These men are not usually psychiatrically ill.  Indeed the prevalence of domestic violence, alone, must make us doubt this.

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