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DOMESTIC VIOLENCE THE FACTS Family violence represents a significant threat to the well-being of individuals and societies world-wide. This violence is blind to age, social status, colour, culture and creed. There is no typical victim of abuse or perpetrator except by far, the Victim is usually female and perpetrator, male. Three categories are noted:
Abuse and violence may be physical, sexual or psychological in nature. Some of the cases end up in murder, suicide or incapacitation. Battering and assault are on the increase. It is estimated that 30% of all rape victims are also battered women. Physical Abuse involves aggressive behaviour towards another: pushing, pinching, spitting, kicking, biting, pulling hair, slapping, hitting, punching, choking, burning, clubbing, stabbing, limb twisting and confining. Sometimes it includes throwing objects (acid, boiling water, objects), throwing victim down, against a wall, downstairs or mutilating with knives. scissors or other dangerous objects including firearms. Psychological or emotional abuse includes harsh criticism, degrading and disparaging name-calling- It also can lead to verbal threat, rage, violent language, isolation, deprivation and violent destruction of property belonging to victim such as clothing, furniture or pets. Sexual abuse includes forced fondling, touching and verbal remarks or even frank forced actions of incest, molestation, rape, forced prostitution, oral/genital contact or fondling of genitals and breasts. An adult in a position of trust takes advantage of the vulnerability of the victim or of the trust relationship to meet his own needs or desires. Christians are not exempt from this problem-Thirty per cent of batterers come from a non-violent home. However, witnessing domestic violence as a child had been identified as one of the most common risk -factors for becoming a batterers in adulthood. It is a learned behavior. A choice made by the perpetrator. It is always inappropriate. It can be controlled and should be prevented- It is an area in which God expects His children to take action. When Men Batter Worldwide studies show a commonality in the male behaviour in domestic violence. The reasons are: Physical dominance: to maintain power and control in the relationship. Trying to force control rather than earning it Status: Deriving prestige and status from subjugating and beating to submission. Negative views of women: as inferior or objects of use; rather than the value of a person that God gives to all humanity. Females are seen as objects created for their pleasure. Cultural influences: Degrading traditional gender roles with subtle dehumanizing of women- Lack of accountability: Men rarely are held accountable for abuse as women keep abuse secret. Additional reason: Poor laws, scanty resources, silence, all as part of a male dominated society. Why Battered Women Stay and Don't Leave To avoid more violence – Leaving triggers more violence. Those who leave are at 95% greater risk of being killed by the batterers than the ones who stay. The batterers may follow to kill her, the children or family members, Shame - Pressure from society and church to keep family together "at all costs." Many are pressurized to maintain their "Christian duty" of providing a good home to the children in silence although abused. Their fear to incur God's wrath if they "leave" and hence hope this "sacrifice" is acceptable (and expected) by God. Leaving is therefore considered a "weakness" since they should be "strong enough" to persevere. • Lack of support - Often the battered women are isolated, kept away from family and friends. Besides, often they are financially dependent on the abuser for survival. • Love - Some genuinely love their mates in spite of violence- They stay hoping a magic moment will come and he will change- After all, aren't "all things possible with God?" • Fear of sinning-They assume that by leaving, they contravene scripture which says "no man put asunder" and "till death do us part." They therefore feel obligated to persevere and "turn the other cheek" even as they pray for the abuser. The Abuse Cycle The abuse cycle has 3 phases that vary in time and intensity. However, the pattern is always there: Phase One: Tension Building - The wife tries very carefully to avoid the behaviours she knows will upset her husband, but the batterer watches her, looking for reasons to blame. He will incite her with ridicule, threats, placing restrictions or other minor incidents to "pick a fight." It may last a long period (even years) and as the tension builds, he heaps on her abuses: tirades of faults, pinch, slap, verbal harangues, display of anger or simply frustrates her efforts to be nice to him. Phase Two: Acute Explosion Stage – Rage gets out of control and the batterer looks for an opportunity to "teach her a lesson. The least incident triggers an explosion and display of physical force which discharges all the tension built up in the tension building phase. Uncontrollable and serious violence occurs - choke, punch, knife, twist, bum, throw or some other violent act as above. The reign of terror can last for hours or weeks. The wife may hide after batterings so that others don't get to know what happened. Some may run away or seek help at this stage. Phase Three: Resolution Calm and Loving Stage-After the batterer's wrath is spent, the tension is released. He becomes remorseful and he may even beg for forgiveness; promising to reform. This period of kindness/contrition and loving behaviour can be very deceptive- He is tearful, regretful and makes up with gifts, tenderness and promises. He may even threaten suicide should she leave him. Most women want to believe that the husband has changed and want to give him another chance. When the resolution stage is accepted, it is only a prelude for a repeat of the tension building phase of the cycle. And it starts all over again. Counsellors are often amazed to see victims in acute explosive stage who are angry/lonely, hurt and frightened coming back in resolution calm-loving phase as a happy, smiling and confident woman. In fact, her husband has become a woman's "dream come true" for she believes this loving husband has changed. She senses his "desperation" and "lonely isolation" from the rest of the world. In fact, she stays because he needs her- He can't do without her. When the batterer is sure she is securely his once more, the cycle starts from the beginning all over again. What Can We Do? For the victim Find safety for herself and kids houses as refuge for victims. Be understanding and sympathetic - Provide emotional support. Emphasize God's acceptance – God loves her in spite of her husband's actions which are not a true representation of God's attitude towards her. She is made in God's image and worthy of respect and honour. Steer her to a professional who can help - counselling is mandatory to repair damaged self esteem and stop blaming herself. Listen and validate the victim's feelings - pressure is released by talking it out- Eliminate fear about tears - both ours and the victims. Prayerful support - the prayer framework to include the following: Praise - God's qualities of love, compassion, power. Confession - admit wrongs in the current mess. Thanksgiving - find something positive to thank God for. Requests - specifics that she needs from God- Be honest to God. Help her recognize that she can not change and she is not responsible for the abuser's action no matter how she changes her actions, For the abuser – batterer If they are open to counselling, refer them to a counsellor who will help them to explore issues that trigger abusive response. Help him to admit that he is solely responsible for his actions and therefore he is the only one who can change his behaviour. Provide and learn new ways of dealing with anger and resentment. Recognize abuse as criminal and subject to discipline. Help him know that abusive behaviour is learnt and therefore can also be unlearned. If he is not open to counselling, seek a professional counsellor's advice on how to execute "tough love" and lead him to seeing his problem and therefore forcing him to accept his need of help. As a community Hold abusers accountable no matter how wealthy/educated or their status- In so doing, we are being a community of healing- Believe victims and assist them with practical aid -food, shelter, refuge. Get appropriate authorities to step in and stop the violence cycle continuing- Provide marriage enrichment to strengthen homes. The home was designed to be a refuge from the stresses of life. A haven in a chaotic world. A place where we can hide from the "madness" of our fast paced living. When domestic violence reigns, it is a terrifying place for the wife and children. Get the church to provide protocols of assisting victims. What happens in a family is not a private matter when domestic violence sets in. Studies show that twice as many victims go to their pastors as go to doctors or counsellors. Pastors should not take lightly the victims seeking help; as any down playing the seriousness of the abusive behaviour validates the perpetrator's actions- Sermons and seminars should be provided in religious gatherings to highlight the problem and provide awareness. RECOGNIZING A POTENTIAL BATTERER Although there is no stereotype of an abuser, there are 10 ways of recognizing a man prone to battering behavior. 1. He tends to avoid problems rather than face them. 2. He demonstrates feelings of insecurity or inferiority. 3. He takes great pride in his physical strength. 4. He is very possessive and unusually jealous of his partner's time, family and friends. 5- He behaves violently towards objects and animals. 6. He is very rigid in his ideas about male and female roles, 7. He loses his temper frequently. 8. His partner works unusually hard to keep him from becoming angry. 9. He swings to extremes emotionally and socially- He may appear to be extraordinarily cruel one moment and extraordinarily kind the next. 10.He was battered as a child or saw his father abuse his mother. THE CHURCH RESPONSE As a "shelter" from the "storms" of life, the church is God's vehicle to restore healing to society. The pulpits should have sermons addressing domestic violence and uphold the sanctity of life. Man is God's most precious asset in the universe. Any degrading, battering or abusive behaviour by one towards another goes contrary to God's will for mankind. Christians need to be made aware of the incompatibility of abuse and domestic violence with a biblical understanding of human relationships. The teaching role of the church is invaluable. Provide education and awareness regarding: abuse cycle, statistics locally found of violence, parenting and discipline, personality profiles, communication skills, conflict resolution and where victims can get help and perpetrators reported for justice making to take place- Vitally important is the availability of a place of shelter (a "safe house") where victims (wives, mothers, children) can be protected in an emergency. Associated with these "shelters" should be a network of helpers and friends. Most governments have a legal framework for reporting abuse and violent incidents to the authorities. The pastor or network designees should liaise with such authorities to report each case that lands in the shelter. This action enables perpetrators to understand that their act is unacceptable to the family church and legal authorities. It is a way of saying, "we care enough about you to hold you accountable for behaviour which is destructive to both you and your family" (Horton and Williamson)- The Pastor's role is invaluable as part of the treatment team. Encouragement and assurances of God's rich compassion and forgiveness are critical to healing of victim; whereas repentance (including restitution where possible) and forgiveness are crucial for he perpetrator. The Church is a healing community within society- Her response to the domestic violence victims and perpetrators is part of her divine mission to a "fallen world" with subsequent "sin-sick" society that breeds domestic violence. Her role in protecting the victims, stopping the abuse, salvaging relationships and facilitating reconciliation is part of God's ministry to this world. Dr Paul Wangai Jr. is the Health Ministries Director of the Eastern Africa Division.
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MYTHS AND FACTS ABOUT DOMESTIC VIOLENCE (Gleaned from a variety of government and NGO web sites) MYTH # 1: Domestic violence is a "loss of control"—an anger control issue FACT: Violent behavior is a choice—domestic violence has nothing to do with anger. Anger is a tool abusers use to get what they want. We know abusers are actually very much in control because they can stop when someone knows on the door or the phone rings. Thy often direct punches and kicks to parts of the body where the bruises are less likely to show and they are not abusing everyone who makes the “angry,” but wait until there are no witnesses and then abuse the one he says he loves. Domestic violence is about batterers using their control, not losing control. Their actions are very deliberate.
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Facing 'blue days' Most women know the feeling. At one time or another, we find ourselves struggling with depression. It may be mild and transitory – a flat feeling characterised by a lack of interest in day to day activities with low motivation for what we once found stimulating. Or it may be more severe, rendering us quite dysfunctional for weeks or months at a time. Some common behaviours can result in depression. It is hard for the body to maintain good health or the mind to stay positive if we are sleep deprived, lacking in good nutrition or are physically unfit. Depression can also result from adverse circumstances, from loss resulting in grief or from repressed anger. There are medications that can produce depression as a side effect and some depression is in itself a medical condition and needs treatment by a medical practitioner. Post natal depression is now a well known type of depression. One less talked about is the depression caused by domestic violence. Someone experiencing such depression must have the support of a caring individual who will take them to a doctor or recommended counsellor. This is the vital first step towards recovery. If facing up to the cause of the depression is not dealt with, it is like leaving a boil unlanced. Alongside whatever professional help may be available to the woman suffering from depression here are some ways in which she can help herself: v have a daily routine v set small goals and complete them v get out and about for a while v be involved with friends v consistently follow an exercise programme such as walking or swimming for 20 minutes on at least three days a week v practise positive thinking through making daily entries in a gratitude diary. Each day write down things for which you are thankful v make sure your diet is thoroughly adequate. If in doubt consult with a dietician or take a recognised nutrition course v enjoy a good prayer life v cultivate a sense of humour and look for the fun in life v listen to bright happy music Adapted from What to do with Blue Days by P Ludowici, first printed in Going Places, Spring 1998. For another article on depression, go to www.adventist.org.uk. Click on news, click on Messenger. Fill in the Messenger files for year 2008 and August, click search and open Volume 113, page 5.
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A New Design for Relational Power by Karen and Ron Flowers Enjoying the Ride, Until . . . When I (Ron) was a fourth grader, the old wooden see-saw on our school playground broke. I told my dad about it. One Sunday not long after, this farmer/builder father of mine motioned to me to come along as he loaded some lumber and tools on his farm truck and drove down the road to our one-room country school. There he removed the remnants of the rotted seesaw, our “teeter-totter” as we alled it, and installed a new one. When Monday came, I was first at school, proudly presenting to each student who arrived the shiny new teeter-totter, freshly painted with leftover red barn paint. Everybody wanted a turn on it. For a while things went well with friends riding on opposite ends, balancing one another, gliding up and down. Then something changed. Boys riding opposite girls started to dangle them in the air. The playground was filled with their squeals to get off while most of us fourth grade boys (sad to say now) were delighted at the sight. Then, one recess, I was riding on the seesaw when some really heavy fifth-grade boys pushed my friend off the other end and got on instead. Instantly I was jerked into the air and bounced there. It was scary. “Do you want down?” they jeered after a while. “Okay, you’re down!” And with that they hopped off. I crashed! Though bruised, I somehow avoided broken bones. I avoided the see-saw for a long time. That toy of which I was once so proud, that toy so capable of bringing much joy, had become a place of pain. Relational “seesaws.” Close relationships resemble a see-saw. Each of us brings a certain “weight” or “power” to our relationships. The way we use our weight affects our experience and our partner’s experience. Just as a teeter-totter feels most satisfying when we achieve a sense of balance and a pleasant rhythm, so everybody experiences the most satisfaction in relationships when there is goodwill, unconditional acceptance and warm regard for each other. The apostle Paul made an interesting statement that describes the attitude necessary on a relational see-saw: “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:4 NIV). In this delicately-worded verse the apostle places “your own interests” on one end of a relationship see-saw and “the interests of others” on the other. Both are to receive appropriate attention. The “but also” in the middle acts like a fulcrum that helps balance the two. Just as we are to love our neighbours as ourselves (cf. Matt. 22:39) so it is appropriate that each “should look not only to [his] own interests, but also to the interests of others.” Philippians 2:4 thus insures that the concept “consider others better than yourselves” of verse 3 does not mean the neglect of one’s own vital interests. When this gospel principle of harmony is not followed, where mutual goodwill, acceptance and respect are not present, relationships may be unsatisfying at best and, at worst, painful, perhaps even terrifying. Relationships Out of Balance Selfishness causes a relational see-saw to lose its balance. If we are self-absorbed, we are often insensitive to the needs and feelings of others. If we don’t feel very valuable or secure, we may try to build ourselves up by putting others down. We give our partner a bumpy ride. Selfishness manifests itself in a variety of ways. Dominance. Some people are dominant types and seek relationships with those who are more submissive. Pursuit of social status. Some seek to acquire the social weight that society often ascribes to those who have certain attributes. The wealthy enjoy greater status than the poor, the employed receive more respect that those who do not have jobs. Educated people are considered more valuable than the uneducated; the physically attractive are paraded above those deemed less attractive. The talented are sought after and rewarded more than the untalented. And in many parts o the world the male is more valued than is the female. Aggressiveness and abuse. Some who are thinking about their own ride on the see-saw, who are self-absorbed and insensitive to the needs and feelings of others, tend to be more aggressive toward others. Abuse is about using one’s real or perceived power to control another person. It is about choosing to get what I want at the expense of others. See-Saw Struggle Attempts to cope. Because their families are so important to people, some who are weaker will do their best to adjust, just to keep the family together, just to avoid conflict, just to achieve family stability and balance. Some will even sacrifice themselves and accept abuse, though family relationships are then a source of much unhappiness and pain. God does not require a person who is being abused in a relationship to stay in that relationship and bear that pain. But those who work with victims of abuse know that many have a very hard time escaping the ties that bind them to their abusers. While some submit to achieve balance, others resist. They may opt for unhealthy ways to exert themselves in order to right a power imbalance in their relational “see-saw,” to keep from being constantly “dangled in the air.” How not to ride a see-saw: Isaac & Rebekah. Struggle on the relationship see-saw is illustrated by the household of Isaac and Rebekah (Gen. 27). Father Isaac pulled first-born twin son Esau onto his end of the marital see-saw. Isaac favored Esau and schemed to bestow the birthright upon him, despite God’s instruction and with no consultation with his wife. Isaac rationalized that he had custom on his side and employed the excuse that he had to take action immediately because he was old and feeble, when in fact he had many more years of life in him. Mother Rebekah countered by dragging second-born twin son Jacob, her favorite, with her onto her side. Taking full advantage of her husband’s failing eyesight and her intimate knowledge of his tastes and habits, Rebekah sought to gain power for herself in the relationship and to promote the interests of Jacob, the son she loved. She determined that Jacob must receive the birthright blessing. Besides, hadn’t God foretold that the elder (Esau) would serve the younger (Jacob) (cf. Gen. 25:33)? Both Isaac and Rebekah plotted to secure the greater power on their side and deliberately involved the twin brothers in their conflict. However, as is often the case, rather than achieving balance on the relational see-saw, conflict and pain were the inevitable result. The latent marital conflict was enflamed and the fire spread to engulf the sons. As a mother, Rebekah would never again see the son she loved, for he fled to Haran to escape Esau’s wrath. She died before he returned. The two brothers were thus pitted against one another for two decades. For his part, Isaac lost a one-in-a-million opportunity to willfully bestow his blessing on the son of promise who would take his place in the covenant line that would lead to the birth of the Messiah. Horns and roses. Those who feel weaker in a relationship often spend a lot of energy trying to achieve relief from the dominating, controlling people in their families or relationships. It is as though some ancient script is being played out, reminding us that God created humankind to be equal with each other. Because of human brokenness and sin, however, we seldom are content with equality. We tend to go for “one-up” status, scheming, plotting, and working our way toward superiority over others. Doug was a dominating husband and father and ordered his family about as if he were a military commander. His wife, Matilda, had her own way of dealing with him. One day, for example, he was in a particular rush for them to go someplace in the car. He went out to the garage, started the engine, and backed the car out onto the driveway. It was his way of demanding that she hurry. When Matilda didn’t come, he blew several long blasts on the horn. She heard the horn, but instead of joining him, detoured to the backyard and leisurely inspected her rose garden, plucking a few weeds, sniffing the fragrance of a few of the emerging blossoms. She made her way to the car in her own good time. (Flowers, 1997, p. 17) The Gospel’s New Design for Relationships The good news of the gospel is that Christ has drawn us into fellowship with Himself (Eph. 2:19, 20; 1 John 1:3). He has triumphed over sin, paying its penalty (Rom. 3:25; 1 John 2:2) and breaking its power (Rom. 6:14; 8:3, 4, 9). Whereas sin causes division, discord, and a desire to assume superiority over one another, we can now relate to one another in fundamentally different ways, because through Him we are related (Matt.20:25-27; Gal. 3:28). Though Christ and the apostles did not assault society and culture directly, they presented ideas of equality and mutuality in the family of God that would work a transformation from inside the human heart outward. Think about the barriers they crossed. Every ethnic group included. The narratives of Jesus and the centurion (Matt. 8:5ff), Jesus and the Samaritan woman (John 4: 7ff), Peter and Cornelius (Acts 10:34, 35), as well as Paul’s mission to the Gentiles stand as witness: “How true it is that God does not show favoritism, but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right” (Acts 10:34, 35). Every social class included. Jesus and the disciples broke down the barriers between social classes. Living examples of this are Jesus’ contact with all classes of people, with the nobleman (John 4:46-50), with Zacchaeus (Luke 19:2ff), and with the leper (Matt. 8:2-4). In Christ, wrote Paul, there is no favouritism shown between social strata (Eph. 6:9). A dramatic example of this inclusion of all social groups is found in the shortest, but most profound letter of Paul, the letter to Philemon. A convert of Paul, Philemon was a wealthy resident of Colossae and, like many such residents, a slaveholder. One slave, Onesimus, had evidently robbed his master, escaped, and made his way to the sprawling capital city of Rome, perhaps hoping to lose himself amid the masses. There he encountered Paul. Paul preached the gospel to him and came to accept him as a son (Philemon 10). Onesimus was awakened to his responsibility to repent and make as much restitution as he could to Philemon for the wrongs he had done. As he went back to Philemon, he carried with him a note of recommendation which Paul prepared. What we have in our Bibles is that note. In it is found a radical Christian message: Receive him “no longer as a slave, but better than a slave, as a dear brother . . . in the Lord” (Philemon 16). Paul presents to Philemon a revolutionary concept of reconciliation, that of finding in Onesimus a beloved brother. Because of Jesus, believers see each other through new glasses, as it were, and love each other as members of one family. That “thing” is working here. For nearly three decades we were members of a church congregation in Washington, D.C., a truly unique fellowship of believers. When we first joined the Capital Memorial Seventh-day Adventist Church, it was in a process of change from being mostly all-Caucasian to becoming a multi-national Christian family of some 45 nations. Over the years, CMC has responded to the preaching of the good news of God’s love and has endeavored to live by 1 John 4:11: “Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” If the truth be told, the congregation didn’t especially like the same foods, nor enjoy the same music. Members wrestled hard with one another on church boards, but, with dedicated and persistent, Christ-centered pastoral leadership, this diverse group became family. A crowning moment came one Easter season, when the church came together for a Friday evening agape meal and communion service. Assembled around the table of fellowship, illumined with candlelight, members bore testimony to their love for Christ and their love for one another. One African brother, serving in the diplomatic corps from South Africa, had been a member of the church since rediscovering Adventism at a prayer breakfast held at CMC for diplomats and their Seventh-day Adventist world leader counterparts at the time of an Annual Council. In the several years since, this brother, so familiar with the policies and practices of apartheid, had often marvelled aloud that people from so many nations could worship, work, play and pray together. With a face lit with a light greater than that of the candles, Ezra stood and told a little of his story. We still remember the joyful comment he made: “That thing they speak about—that the gospel brings together red and yellow, black and white—it’s working here.” Sexual equality for men and women. Jesus restored the sexual equality and nobility of women. Writes John Stott: Without any fuss or publicity, Jesus terminated the curse of the Fall, reinvested woman with her partially lost nobility, and reclaimed for his new kingdom community the original creation blessing of sexual equality. (Stott, 1985, p. 136) Women were among Jesus’ closest disciples (Luke 8:2, 3). Paul recognized that in Christ old gender barriers have been taken away: “There is neither . . . male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Gal. 3:28). The Book of Acts shows that women believed and served in the church side by side with men. Acts revels in the newfound status of all people in Christ. It does not elevate women above men, but shows that an equal fellowship and equal use of giftedness existed in the early church. “With the women” (Acts 1:14) indicates their inclusion with a new status in the new order. Peter acknowledges that the Spirit is being poured out on Christians without regard to gender in fulfillment of the prophecy of Joel 2:28, 29 (Acts 2:16-18). Both genders are especially mentioned as becoming baptized believers (Acts 5:14; 8:12). The apostolic evangelists made special efforts to reach women (Acts 16:13; 17:4). A number of these early women converts are named as possessing qualities of faith, loyalty, and service just as did men: Tabitha (Acts 9:36-42), the Jewish mother of Timothy (Acts 16:1), Lydia (Acts 16:14, 15), Damaris (Acts 17:34), and Priscilla (Acts 18:2, 18, 26). Priscilla (actually named ahead of her husband in vs. 18—which was significant in that time and culture—; cf. 2 Tim. 4:19) seems to be singled out especially for her giftedness in biblical understanding, evangelistic fervor and persuasion alongside Aquila. Paul dwelt for some time with this couple and eventually took them with him as evangelistic companions. Priscilla and Aquila again head the list of those to be greeted for Paul by Timothy (2 Tim. 4:19). Mutuality between husbands and wives. The curse subjected the wife to the husband (Gen. 3:16). The gospel emphasizes the love and the service of husband and wife to one another (Eph. 5:21-33). Like every other one of God's good gifts entrusted to the keeping of humanity, marriage has been perverted by sin; but it is the purpose of the gospel to restore its purity and beauty (Thoughts from the Mount of Blessing, p. 64). The gospel restores marriage “to its original sanctity and elevation” (The Adventist Home, p. 99). Christians seek to recapture that original mutuality known by the first husband and wife who shared the image of God, shared the one name “adam”; shared dominion over the earth; and shared God’s procreative blessing (Gen. 1:26-28). Peter instructs each husband to bestow honor ("great value") on his wife, for the two of them are "heirs together of the grace of life" (1 Peter 3:7). A text that stresses how absolute Christ would have mutuality in marriage to be is found in 1 Cor. 7:3, 4: The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Some Protestant reformers, who taught the super-ordination of the husband and the subordination of the wife, encountered difficulty with this passage. They concluded that, in the bedroom, there could be full equality and mutuality, but that outside, the wife was to be submissive. The gospel of Christ, however, does not limit marital mutuality only to the couple’s sexual life. I hid my salary from my wife. An African pastor shared this story: “Don’t tell your wife the amount of money you have,” my father whispered to me one evening as one of his counsels to me. Traditionally, many African husbands do not tell their wives the amount of money they possess. All the money, all the wealth belongs to the husband and father as head of the family. It is his monopoly. He uses it as he wishes, he squanders as he wants, and the wife just gets a little portion for clothing, shoes, and food for her and the children. . . . The reason for not telling the wife the amount of money is just a matter of suspicion that she may constantly demand more, or that she may steal some money and pass it to her parents, relatives, and close friends. This suspicion is not well founded. It is just a selfish motive, and it must be discarded. Hiding my salary from my wife caused a lot of problems and misunderstandings. She requested some money when I really had nothing. Since she was not involved in financial arrangements or the home budget, she did not know for sure when I had no money. So she made her demands. We almost had a big fight one day. The solution came to us one day when one pastor preached at our camp meeting about the family or home budget which must be made out by the two, husband and wife. The subject was strange and new to me, but it came with deep meaning. The income must include the total of all money from me and from my wife’s small financial projects. The expenses must include the major four items: • Tithe and offerings – God’s funds • Food • All other necessary life items • Savings or fixed account for future use The pastor closes by saving: This saved my home, for we all knew what we owned and what was to be expended. We discarded the husband’s monopoly of funds. . . . Mrs. White has counseled us: “Let there be mutual love, mutual forbearance. Then marriage, instead of being the end of love, will be as it were the very beginning of love” (The Adventist Home, p. 106). This kind of mutuality ought to be extended to financial planning of the budget. It will inspire trust and confidence and happiness to family life. (Kisaka, 1992, p. 71) How the Gospel Redefines Power Jesus redefined power both by His teaching and in His relating to others. Matthew records the comments of Jesus when James and John asked their mother to secure for them the top spots in His kingdom: You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them,” He said. “But it shall not be so among you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.” (Matt. 20:25-28) Empowerment. The practical outworking of the acknowledgement of Christ as Lord for Christians is that the sinful misuse of power is replaced by empowerment. “Empowering can be defined as the attempt to establish power in another person. . . . Empowering is the process of helping the other recognize strengths and potentials within, as well as to encourage and guide the development of these qualities” (Balswick & Balswick, 1987, pp. 44, 45). Instead of exerting “power over,” we become “the wind beneath the wings” of those we love. This “power under” approach to relationships means that our weight on the see-saw is used to lift up those with whom we are in relationship, to build them up, to give them every opportunity and encouragement to become all that they can be. Note these “empowerment” verses from Paul: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ (Eph. 5:21). Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ (Gal. 6:2). Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification (Rom. 14:19). Therefore encourage one another and build each other up (1 Thess. 5:11). This Christian “empowerment” principle for relationships means that we are no longer thinking only about our ride on the see-saw, we want our partner to get a good ride also. The principle applies in the church and in the domestic relationships at home—the smallest church. Everything we learn from Christ about relationships at church must go into our homes also. Conclusion The power of God is mighty to save us and to change us. In Fulton’s Footprints in Fiji Eric B. Hare tells of the conversion of Ratu Ambrose. The cruel chief had squandered the lives of many of his faithful subjects while pursuing his aggressive goals. Scarred and broken in body, one old fisherman, Matui, had survived the torturous experience of being one of the human “logs,” men bound with ropes and used as rollers upon which Ratu Ambrose had launched his heavy war canoes. Pastor John Fulton’s evangelistic efforts brought both Ratu Ambrose and Matui into the same Seventh-day Adventist church. God’s power to transform hearts and habits powerfully demonstrated itself when the new believers celebrated their first Lord’s Supper and footwashing service. Ratu Ambrose quickly took a towel and basin and knelt down before Matui to wash his feet. The bent, elderly fisherman at first resisted. “It is not right for you to wash my feet; you are a great chief.” As Ratu Ambrose went on to bathe the feet of his former subject with tears filling his eyes and his heart, he replied, “There is only one Chief here in this room tonight, and that is Jesus.” (Flowers, 1992, pp. 85, 86) May there be one Chief in all our rooms—Jesus. May His empowering Spirit flood our lives, so that we learn what it means to love, to serve, to exercise our power and influence in our relationships in ways that demonstrate not “power over,” but “power under.” References Balswick, J., & Balswick, J. (1987, Spring). A theological basis for family relationships. Journal of Psychology and Christianity, 6 (3), 37-49. Flowers, R. (1997, April 10). Sharing power: God’s new design for personal relationships. Adventist Review 18, 16-19. Flowers, K. & R. (1992). Love aflame. Hagerstown, MD: Review & Herald Publishing Association. Kisaka, J. A. (1992). African traditional practices in family life: What to discard and what to retain. In J. Sequeira & P. Habada (Eds.), Uphold that which is good: Papers from the Pan African consultation on the family (p. 71). Department of Family Ministries, General Conference of Seventh-day Adventists, 12501 Old Columbia Pike, Silver Spring, MD 20904. Stott, J. (1985). Involvement: Social and sexual relationships in the modern world. Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell Company. White, E. G. (1952). The Adventist home. Hagerstown, MD: Review & Herald Publishing Association. White, E. G. (1955). Thoughts from the mount of blessing. Nampa, ID: Pacific Press Publishing Association.
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Growing Non-violent Children
The first place to start growing non-violent children is in your own heart. • Take time every day to experience God’s love and peace in your heart. When you know His love and peace personally, you are more able to pass them on to others. • Think how you can show God’s loving grace and compassion to everyone you meet each day, including your children and other family members. • Consider each person a child of God, a crowning glory of His creation, and be filled with wonder toward them. Handle children with care. • Always deal with your children gently, compassionately, and with a loving firmness so that they learn to deal with others this way. • Demonstrate the respect and honour you have for them in your words and actions. • Speak lovingly and respectfully to them as much as you can. • Handle issues of discipline with generous amounts of grace. • Encourage children to be gentle with people and property from an early age. • Involve them in compassionate acts of service for others. • Teach them how to treat pets and animals with care. • Help them understand the pain others feel when they are treated unkindly or physically hurt by them. • Let your children know when you do and don’t feel honoured and supported by them. Your affirmation and gentle rebuke will encourage them to honour you and others in relationships. Be a good role model for your children. • Model respect and compassion for others no matter who they are. Let your children see that you respect and care for people regardless of position, wealth, or gender. • Model good management of your own emotions, and talk about how you manage powerful emotions when you experience them. • Teach your children to identify their emotions and to find useful ways of expressing themselves. • Model an open, respectful and loving marriage so that your children can see what a good relationship looks like. Even if you are a single parent, your children can see how well you treat friends, relatives and people you meet everyday. • Model equal power sharing in the home. Talk about important issues. • Use news stories, TV shows, cartoons, music, whatever is in your children’s media, to discuss violence in relationships. Talk together about what you are hearing and seeing. • Talk about where to seek help when you are having difficulty respecting others and relating in positive ways. • Role-play how to handle difficult circumstances. • Develop good communication skills. • Listen to your children and enable them to make a significant contribution to the ideas in your family. Leadership Resource 4 – Growing Non-Violent Children
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The Other Side of Silence Women are still being beaten and killed by their husbands and partners, but they are finding ways to fight back. Nikki van der Gaag reports. Rania al Baz’s husband was angry because he came in and found her on the telephone. It was not the first time he had beaten her, but this time when she begged him not to hit her, his reply was: ‘Hit you? I’m not going to hit you, I am going to kill you.’ He then repeatedly smashed her face against the marble floor and walls of their home and tried to strangle her. He left her unconscious for a couple of hours while he showered and changed then bundled her up in a sheet and put her in the family van. Rania was not alone in suffering in this way though she was unusual in that she spoke out about her injuries. The statistics on such violence – often disparagingly called ‘domestic’, are astounding. It crosses all boundaries of race and class. In Europe, it is the major cause of ill-health for women between 16 and 44 – more common than cancer or traffic accidents. In the US, a woman is beaten every 18 minutes. n Peru, 70 per cent of all crimes reported to the police involve women beaten by their husbands.1 In Russia, one woman in five is regularly beaten by her partner.2 In India and Bangladesh, women are killed or burned with acid for not bringing enough dowry into their husband’s family when they marry. There have been major changes to laws on domestic violence over the past 10 years, prompted by activists and women like Rania who have run campaigns and lobbied international organizations and governments. In 1991, women’s groups around the world launched an annual campaign of 16 days of activism against gender violence; 25 November is now International Day Against Violence Against Women. In 1994, the Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women asserted that the law should protect women from violence in both public and private spheres. And in the same year the Organization of American States adopted the Belém do Pará Convention, which sets out actions that governments must take to eliminate violence against women. Organizations campaigning against gender-based violence are increasingly using all the tools at their disposal. In Rajasthan, India, when members of the Bal Rashmi Society – which actively opposes sexual exploitation, rape, dowry-related deaths and torture – were jailed, an internet alert led to the suspension of their trials. BaBe, a strategic lobbying group in Croatia, has used the internet to raise awareness of women’s experience of violence during war, and to bring about a new family law that includes restraining orders against men in domestic rape cases. Women Living Under Muslim Laws has mounted a web campaign around the denial of women’s rights in Islamic societies. WomenNet in South Africa used the Internet for a ‘Stop Rape’ campaign supported by international signatories. At national level, many countries have enacted specific domestic violence legislation and taken other action – the first shelters for battered women were opened in Russia in 1994, in Mongolia in 1995 and in China in 1996.3 But still only 45 countries have legislation protecting women against domestic violence and many of these laws are not regularly enforced. The scale and pattern of the violence seems to have changed very little in the past decade – and there are places where it has increased. Where political tensions lead to conflict and violence outside the home, or where men feel disempowered because they have lost their jobs and their hope for the future, they often take it out on the nearest person available – their wives, girlfriends and partners. In some countries, this violence has taken on a new edge as reactions against what is seen as the West’s sexual ‘permissiveness’ has meant that women have increasingly been viewed as the vessels in which culture is stored. They are abused and attacked if they seem to step outside cultural boundaries. One extreme example of this is the increase in what have euphemistically been called ‘honour killings’ (see Keynote p11). In 2003 in Pakistan, such killings were reported to have increased by 50 per cent.4 There have been numerous examples in Western countries as well, where conflict between older and younger generations is thrown into sharp relief and fathers kill their daughters rather than see them in a relationship with someone from another ethnic or religious group. The Muslim Women’s League notes that: ‘Confronting the problem of “honour killings” and other crimes that disproportionately affect women requires a change in attitude that pervades all levels of society where such attacks occur.’ 5 Why don’t women leave? People sometimes put the blame on the woman – why did she put up with years of abuse? Why didn’t she leave him? There are many answers to such questions, but one fact is that leaving actually increases the risk of violence. Professor Ruth Busch of Waikato University in New Zealand/Aotearoa notes: ‘The most dangerous time for women is that first 18 months after separation. In the US, for instance, 80 per cent of women who turn up in accident and emergency rooms because of physical injuries have been assaulted by estranged partners. In New Zealand, 40 per cent of women who are killed die on contact changeover times.’ 6 And by putting the blame on the woman, society legitimizes the violence. Busch again: ‘If a man gets fired and goes home and kicks his partner – what is the outcome? If he had walked into his boss’s office and done the same to his boss, would the consequence have been counselling?’ In some countries, women simply have nowhere to go. ‘If a woman is beaten by her husband and goes back to her parents for help, they are quite likely to send her back to her husband,’ says Fatou Gibba, from the Gambia. ‘And if you take your husband to the police it will tarnish the image of the whole family. It is just not done.’ Her words ring true in other countries as well: women have been taught that they have to put up with whatever their husband does to them. Surveys have shown high percentages of women who think it is acceptable for a husband to beat his wife ‘for one or more specific reasons – burning food, arguing with him, going out without telling him, neglecting the children, refusing sex’. In Uganda 77 per cent of women surveyed believed this, in Turkmenistan 52 per cent, in Haiti 40 per cent and 29 per cent in Nepal.3 Society condones silence. And often the police take the side of the husband or even abuse the woman again. Academic Yolisa Dalamba from South Africa notes: ‘It is… common knowledge that often when women report a rape to the police, they are raped again by those who are supposed to investigate. Case files go missing and women complainants are harassed and are subjected to more violence.’7 Victims of domestic violence are often afraid of retaliation, or are trying to protect their children; or they have no other means of financial support than the perpetrator, or nowhere to go. By leaving, they may lose the support of relatives and will lose their networks, their jobs and their home. Even then, they cannot be sure that the husband or boyfriend or partner who has been abusing them will be brought to justice – and they have mixed feelings about that as well. No wonder it is so difficult for women to escape. What can make a difference?
First, society as a whole must begin to view the issue not as the silent, hushed-up problem of the past but as a serious situation affecting women’s health. A study in Sweden notes that: ‘a preventative and proactive approach needs to be taken’ which involves not only the judicial system and the police but also medical and social services, who need to ‘look at victims in a holistic and comprehensive manner’.9 And all parties must ‘give these women adequate medical, psychological, and social support’. Second, women must be listened to. There has been a global burgeoning of women’s organizations campaigning against violence. For example, the Women’s Support Centre in San Cristóbal de las Casas, in the Chiapas highlands of Mexico, which provides training and support for women living in extreme poverty and uncertainty, and seeks particularly to change traditions that condone wife abuse, domestic violence and incest. Or Isis – Women’s International Cross Cultural Exchange – in Uganda, which supports survivors of sexual violence in Burundi, Rwanda, Sudan and Uganda through an exchange programme in which women share their experiences. Finally, because men are generally the perpetrators, they need to change their attitudes. ‘Educating boys and men to view women as valuable partners in life, in the development of a society and in the attainment of peace are just as important as taking legal steps to protect women’s human rights,’ says the UN.1 There are now a number of groups of men around the world that are working specifically on this issue. In Ecuador the most popular soccer teams came together to call for an end to violence against women. In Uganda the Girls’ Education Movement (GEM) has involved boys in addressing girls’ security and safety issues during the commute to and from school and at school.10 The White Ribbon campaign, where men wear a ribbon to show their opposition to violence against women, has taken off around the world. It is used by schools in Ethiopia. In 2002, 150,000 White Ribbon people marched to protest violence against women in Siberia. The Campaign has inspired the first men’s groups opposing violence against women in China.11 Many of the women who have been beaten have shown the way forward by speaking out about their abuse. Rania al Baz said she made the decision because: ‘I want to use what happened to me to draw attention to the plight of abused women in Saudi Arabia.’ Her husband is now being prosecuted. ‘Violence against women is perhaps the most shameful human rights violation,’ said UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan. ‘And it is perhaps the most pervasive. It knows no boundaries of geography, culture, or wealth. As long as it continues, we cannot claim to be making real progress towards equality, development and peace.’
1
UN Department of Public Information, February 1996;
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